My guys!

Today's subject is about "best friends," if you've read some of my blogs, you've heard me talk about Ray and Dre. If not refer to my previous post You Say He's Just a Friend. I don't throw the term "Best Friend" around loosely. To me, that term is reserved for my husband, wherever he may be... but these 2 are the closest friends out of all of my friends. I'm not downplaying my relationship with any of my other friends but these two are truly special to me.





Honorable mention to Jimmy--> and Jeff! (smooches) <--- My brothers!!!!

The Mestie

I met Ray when I was 17 at O'malley's hanging out with mutual friends. I wouldn't say we dated but we hung out a couple of times and then lost contact. I would see him over the years and we would say "hi" and keep it moving. Fast forward to September of 2009, there was a discussion of hanging out that night on somebody's status on fb. So a group of us went out to eat and the sexual assault I endured was brought up. I relayed the story and we all discussed and then went to the pie kitchen for dessert. Afterwards, we went to our friend's house to watch movies. She tapped out and we were up until 3 or 4 in the morning catching up, joking and laughing. The thing about Ray was I felt 100% comfortable to be around him and talk to him, not in a dating sense but in a I truly want to know you type of way.

Ray and I at Dre's 30th Birthday Party!

During this time I barely slept. I didn't speak on the subject much as my feelings were concerned but I was crushed and honestly depressed. For about 2 weeks I did nothing but cry. Ray on 2 occasions sat on the phone with me until 6-7am just listening or trying to make me laugh. My trust level for people was at an all-time low. Somewhere in there, I became a bit clingy. Again, it wasn't because I wanted him but because I didn't want to open up to anyone else. He was firm in telling me that he couldn't always be my crutch and I had to find a way to be "Keturah" again. Ray was consistent and funny, I truly believe his timing in re-entering my life was perfect. Ray, may not say much but he always pays attention. I love Ray's relationship with his son and respect him as a father! I'm not sure I ever told him, but just being himself, he helped to restore my trust, thoughts on friendship and stirred me away from having a bitter mentality and I love him for that. Ray, my Mestie (Male Bestie, he hates the term)!

Ray and his son, Keno.

Dre Day

Dre and I met on fb through a status of someone, neither of us associate with anymore. I tend to boss people around and Dre was no exception! In the beginning, I think he went with my bossiness so that he could gauge me. He pound for pound gets me! I'm never misunderstood when it comes to him. He's not afraid to tell me NO. Is a protector and will call out the dude I'm dating if the guys acts anything less than a gentleman. When my world was upside down, he knew right away, by just looking at me. At that moment, he didn't push the issue and ask questions. He hugged me and gave me space. I honestly was so fragile in that moment that I would have probably lost it and broke down. When I was ready to talk, he listened and offered up words straight from his heart and prayed for and with me. 

Dre and at the winery!

With him and (Ray) it's simple! They allow me to be ME! When Dre is sad, I feel his pain. When I get too bossy, he counters me. When I make up a song or sing the wrong words, he's goes right along with me and or produces the beat. When I wanted to put paws on some chicks, he held my stuff! ~* God is not through with me yet!!!! *~ He's the Thomas J to my Vada. The Rob to my Khloe and the Bam Bam to my pebbles! My parents love him like he is their own and I love his family. I can't wait to see him interact with my future husband and I with his wife. 

Dre and I at my 30th Birthday Party! 

Dre & Ray

They are the people I tell everything to. I have showed them all sides of me. The good, bad and ugly and they are still around. They are the people who will tell me when I'm wrong and why. They get all of my jokes! When I am unsure of something, I run it by them. They allow me to annoy the mess out of them and still love me. They have NEVER questioned our relationships/motives and I have never felt a reason to do the same with them. They are surrogate kids to my parents. They challenge me to be better. They'll be in my wedding, if it's stateside and at my wedding if I do a destination wedding (No objections, Ramone). They will be my kid's Uncles and I could go on and on about them. I 89% trust them with my life, lol! We have had some GREAT times over the past couple of years, butted heads in some areas but I wouldn't trade them for anything! I would seriously battle for and over them!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

Being that we are 3 dimensional beings, it's amazing that people try to put you in a box according to what they think of you or have heard. I'm guilty as well, there are people that make me inwardly groan with disgust when I see or hear about them. We've been taught catch phrases and we sing songs about people, their thoughts and what they can do with them, but all of us would be lying to ourselves if we said the opinions of others don't matter.

The most frustrating thing in the world is being misunderstood! It boils my buns! A lot of times I hear the opinions of other (repeatedly sometimes) and I may smile or laugh at the moment, but inside my head I have imagined you getting hit by a bus or me kicking you in the face…. hard! Jet Li style!

So you're thinking, "what have people said about you"....

I'm stuck up...
I'm loud...
I'm ghetto...
I'm spoiled...
I'm a bitch...
I'm hood...
I'm fake…
I have too many friends...
I'm judgemental...
I'll never get married...
I'm broke...
I'm cute but (insert a shady back-handed compliment)...
I'm shady...
I know too much about others...
I'm rude...
My jokes are too crass...
Attention Seeking...
AND ON & ON

(Insert loud audible sigh and a chuckle) I quite possibly am some of those things but why do YOU feel the need to point them out? What is it about me, that makes you feel the need to belittle me or express your negativity.... are you bored or insecure? Quite possibly mad? (oooh... The shade is real! Lol!)

Listen, I am passionate and I do tend to go hard, revert back to 23rd & Chestnut and can get loud when I'm excited, lied on or mistreated! (Yes, I do have a horrible habit of popping my mouth.) Not saying it's right but, I am making a conscious effort to pause before I react! I'm only once removed from the projects!

I'm spoiled… yes, this is true but what you usually judge me on are tangible things with monetary value. The memories and joy I have from my parents, family and childhood supersede "THINGS" anyway. If it all went away tomorrow, I would still have my family/friends, my memories and be loved.

Laughter is good for the soul! With everything in life, make sure you can take in what you dish out. Also, don't be such a prude. Laughter, joking and pranks were apart of my upbringing and are still a major part of my life!

I never get dressed with the mentality of "Girl, you gon' kill 'em today Honey! Okkkkkayy!" I do put in an effort to look my best and I have a sparkling personality, (some times) but I won't tone down who I am to make you feel better!

I've made many connections with various people throughout my life. Who I chose to hang with is really none of your business. I have a core group of friends that mean the world to me, but occasionally I hang out with fellow alumni, past co-workers, childhood friends and so forth. If that makes me fake, so be it. It's shallow to think I should only talk to and spend time with a certain group of friends, ONLY! I don't belong to anyone on this earth but Bev and Sherm... to an extent and Jesus!

At the end of the day, I AM loving, sensitive, caring, fabulous, blessed (Thank you JESUS), protecting and can enunciate when need be. When you pigeon hole me, I simply lose respect for you. Not sure about something, ask me! If I'm not your cup of tea, please exit stage LEFT!!! EVERYONE IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY!

This isn't going to work… Deal Breakers!

When I talk about relationships/marriage and expectations, I think people believe I live in some fantasy land or my expectations are too high. In my opinion, maybe they are a bit jaded, too affected by societal views or have settled…. misery loves company, yanno?!

Any Hoo, here are my 5 deal breakers, I believe will cause me to believe "we" won't work out!

1. FAITH- I am a Christian. I believe that as a Christian, I can learn ways and be challenged by people who have different beliefs but at the end of the day if we don't share the same basic ideals about our faith then I don't believe we will work out. It extends further than us and involves our future household and children. Should our child be Muslim Monday through Friday and then shoveling pork down their gut on Sunday at the Church Anniversary picnic? Jewish on Saturday? Are you going to be on the couch on Sunday, while I'm in the house of the Lord? Along with faith comes your own commitment to the Lord, I can't make you have a relationship. You shouldn't fake one to get a chick in bed. I want to be able to pray with you and for you, knowing you do the same.

2. HONESTY- As I said in a previous Blog Why Are You Single, I need a man to be transparent. When you stammer, withhold or change your story… I'm probably already thinking of ways to tell you "This isn't going to work." The time you take to eventually tell me the truth and some malarkey about you trying to protect me or not knowing how to tell is wasted time. Telling the truth is not always easy, I get it but a lie always seems to take on a life of it's own and lies lead to trust issues.

3. FAMILY/FRIENDS- This person will have to have thick skin. PERIOD. My family members will test you but if you're the man that God designed for me, I don't think you'll have a problem. (bites lip) Same goes for my friends. I've learned instead of trying to interfere, I should allow them to grill you because they are going to do it anyways and only want the best for me. Along with this category comes understanding and acceptance. We as a family get together quite often and the same goes for my friends. We're loud! Our jokes are crude! A little bit of cussing! A lot of food and even more laughter! Also, I have a couple of guy friends I am extremely close to, you either gain four brothers in Ray, Dre, Jimmy and Jeff or this won't work. Also, if you try to keep me away from them or discourage us spending time together (family/friends), Byyyyyyeeee!!!!

4. SEX- My decision to not have sex until marriage is not a popular one but it's mine. I hadn't had sex since December 2011 and foolishly and briefly allowed someone from my past in, this past September. 19 months of abstinence down the drain, but a lesson learned. One is, God was preventing him from being in my life for a reason but I nudged that door open and allowed him to reappear. It's a great thing that God is, a God of second chances... so I'm back to the abstinence. 25 months total, even with that blunder! In my reading the bible and devotions, I have learned that "he" will have to have made his own promise/vow to God. I can't make him stop having sex on my account and put all of this pressure of expectation on him.

We'll visit this topic (sex/abstinence) again in depth…..

5. SMOKING- I can't handle it! No blacks! No cigarettes! No Marijuana! Nothing else. Oddly, I don't mind the occasional cigar but not around me! Smokers snore and have some unsettling funk lodged in their throat! Yuck

I think that's all!! There are some smaller things I want, but aren't deal breakers. Clean shaved! Smells amazing! Athletic! Driven! Educated! Willing to try new things! Can manage money! Versatile wardrobe…. but suits! (Yes Lord)

Why are you single?

Being 29 and single with no children, I often hear "Why are you single?" Whether it be an old classmate or teacher, friends of my parents, family members or guys that I'm out on a date with. In the past my answer was always "He hasn't presented himself. So I've just been doing me." Is it truthful, yes but it is also taking responsibility off of me and putting it on whomever my future guy may be. Started doing some soul searching and asking my friends what they think.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your friends are like mirrors to a certain extent and this is why you should only have people around you who always have your best interest at heart, will always be honest with you but won't sugarcoat anything. This is what I was told:

• I will be my biggest obstacle in a relationship because I am used to being me, by myself and not worrying about anyone else's feelings, thoughts or time. 
• My mate will have to be 100% transparent or I will leave because I have a tendency to over think.
• I've been groomed for a husband, not just a "dude." I have substance. (He may be older) 
• Can't focus on what ifs, especially negative ones because he'll want what u want, God made him to compliment you and vice versa. 

First thought was how much older??? Old men give you worms, so I was told. LOL! 

Okay, all jokes aside I would have to say I agree. I have become accustomed to me, myself and I. If I don't want to be bothered I turn off my phone. If there's something I don't want to do, I stay in and chill. If I am out and people are on my nerves, I leave! (Shrug) Learning to incorporate someone in my world will be like moving a mountain. (Y'all pray for whoever he may be) 

I've been there and done that with the "Great girlfriend" routine of cooking, cleaning, making sure you're comfortable, staying sexy and yada yada. However, I have to realize I did those things for guys who did not deserve it. Playing "wifey" to a boyfriend, when my intuition told me to not to was my fault and not my future partner's issue. Giving my all to not see that in return is probably a huge reason why I have stayed single for so long. I also have an understanding that it's okay to remember the times that things did not pan out and how it made me feel. They were lessons that happened for a reason, but in no shape or form should they be baggage for the next person. I've also said before that things are usually black and white for me. Yes, I have the capability to step outside of myself and see things from other's perspectives, but when things don't feel right... I'm out. I'm sure that behavior is viewed as bad and non-communicative because it looks as if I'm running away, but God gave us intuition for a reason. I trust mine wholeheartedly but have to learn to not over think so much and be in the moment. 

The grooming part is definitely true. Some of my ways are definitely old school but in my opinion, the right way. My mom cooked breakfast every morning. We rarely had leftovers because she cooked almost everyday. Pray before every meal. I was taught to fix the men and the guest's plates before I fix my own. What happens in my bedroom, is no one else's business. Being appreciative, supportive.... I could go on and on. Don't misinterpret, my mom never specifically said "Do this, this, this and that to be a great wife." I just paid attention to their interactions over the course of my 29 years. They've been married for 38 years, so some of that must be valid! 

Hand in hand with the grooming are my expectations. I won't ever be a doormat, again for anyone. Nor will I be this amazing girlfriend and while you just want to lay up. Showing me you care and appreciate me is vital. Quality time is not just chilling on the couch. You have to do what you did to get me, to keep me! If you actually listen, I like a lot of things and want to try a lot of things. It's truly the small things that matter. As for the what ifs, it's only normal but why ponder about things that have not come to fruition. I need to allow things to happen and deal with them when the time comes. I clearly am not in charge of that aspect of my life so I can't do anything but learn to let go! 

So, I guess my answer to the afore mentioned question has definitely changed. I can now say "I, Keturah am single because I won't accept less than I'm worth. To date I haven't met anyone whom I have been greatly compatible with and or felt like I could trust myself (heart, mind, pain, faith, dreams and soul) with or anyone who has been willing to be truly transparent with me and I'm okay with that because I'd rather be truly happy than just saying I'm in a relationship but I won't lie a portion of me is scared to truly open up." 

Broken Glass

Let's use a clear glass from your cupboard as the example. If that glass was to accidentally fall and break you may or may not be able to salvage it. It's highly likely you won't be able to though. You can in fact glue back the bigger pieces but it will never be the same. Here are the reasons why:

1. It's humanly impossible to gather every single piece and shard and glue them back in exactly the manner the glass was before the accident. 
2. Even when glued back together you run the risk of losing the contents in the glass through a leak.
3. The glass could come apart again, creating a bigger mess if it contained a liquid.
4. You could get cut on an unforeseen sharp edge. 
5. Just looking at it, it looks totally different because of the dried glue. 
6. You have to be extra careful when washing it. 
7. It's simply not worth it and just needs to be discarded.

Now let's replace that glass with friendships and relationships. In life sometimes our bonds with people are shattered just like that glass. Sometimes we instantly go to pull out the metaphorical glue of resolve which could be acknowledgement or an apology or space. Even when "glued" back together can things ever be the same? Positively or negatively?

I find that people although they say they forgive you or you forgive them but tend to hold onto the feelings they had that either led to the breakdown or surfaced during that broken moment. Only to come back together and forever hold onto it and let it cut them like a wayward piece of glass until they feel like cutting you. Thus creating a totally different issue.

In the amount of time that you left the friendship or relationship idle you changed.... Hopefully, you did for the better! This incident now has you posing all types of questions about that person, your bond, your moments shared and the list can go on. In no way shape or form am I saying when you forgive, you should forget but you never want to be in that position again because it means you didn't learn the lesson. Outside of God, the master is sometimes also the student. You're never to wise to stop learning.

I am not a fan of metaphorical "shards" of life. The tiny pieces and slivers of glass that remain long after the glass has either been repaired or replaced. Those reminders that pierce you and catch you off guard. As blasé as I can be.... I surely have hot buttons, sensitive issues and feelings. As durable as that glass can be, it can surely can be broken. I'll definitely apologize when I know I have been wrong but I won't stand to be constantly ridiculed or made to feel less by someone else's standards or constantly reminded of something from my past.

Life and death surely lie in the tongue. What are you saying with your mouth that could be tearing someone else down? What are you repeating that could add strife to someones life? What are you subconsciously holding onto and lashing out at others about? Do you even recognize you're doing it? Are you even taking it out on the correct person?

At almost 30 I'm still learning that you can love someone with your whole heart and still hurt them or be hurt by them but when do you truly know it's time to try and stop repairing? Life is truly short.

You say he just a friend?

Science tells us that we are all uniquely composed of genetics and traits. No two people are exactly alike. This can also be said about friendships. Even if I am the common denominator between 2 separate friendships, neither relationship will be identical because what brought us together as friends will be completely different when it comes to experiences, ups/downs, memories and interactions.

 

Some of my closest friends are guys! I love them and don't play about them! God truly blessed me by allowing Andre and Ramone to be 2 huge parts of my life. I discuss EVERYTHING with them, even stuff they probably wish I'd keep to myself, lol! Time and time again, they have provided solace, laughter and advice. I appreciate my relationships with my girlfriends but NOBODY gets me like they do. Even when we are joking or they are getting on my nerves, I never have to question our friendship or their motives.

Ray

Dre & Jimmy

 

 With that being said, our friendships are platonic. We didn't come from the same womb but I love Dre, Ray, Jimmy and Jeff like brothers. Nothing more and nothing less. Are my friends handsome.... Yep! Should I be dating any of them.... Nope! Do we at times act inappropriately according to the standards of others... Yep! For some reason, people don't seem to understand that and I have to hear the following:

• Must be something wrong with you.
• Are you sure they aren't gay?
• Men and women can't truly be that close and not having or have had sex.
• Don't no man want a woman with all those guys around.
• You are forever out and partying with them. 
• You can't be friends with them once you get married. 
• I have guy friends but we never do the things y'all do. 
• Y'alls relationship seems inappropriate from the pics on fb and instagram. 

To all of the above concerns and questions, I have this to say... Maybe you can't be trusted to have male friends and would have sex with them but don't project what you would do onto me. Most of the people with something to say are married and for people who claim to not know whether to wind their butts or scratch their watches because managing a household is so hard but blissful, stop highlighting the fact that I am single. A part of me believes some wish they could trade with me and have their freedom back.

 

It's amazes me that when it comes to my life everyone is an expert. I tell people all the time, you being married or having children doesn't make you an expert. Maybe in your life it does because they're your husband/wife and they are your children but I'm good over here.

 

Today, I was venting to Ray and Dre and they told me "When it comes to love, sometimes you have to sacrifice friends. Not saying no longer be friends, but the amount of time spent and availability will change. Real friends aren't threatened or critical of that if they want to see u happy. When u find THE ONE, we'll gain a brother, WE aint goin no where!!!" <---- Gotta love them!! And anytime I tell my parents that I met someone, they ask "Have Dre and the rest met him?"

 

 

Some of my cousins

 

I come from a huge family and although their were plenty of females, I was usually with my brother, our male cousins and their friends. So the dynamic of being around guys or being close to them isn't one that perplexes me. In fact, women who I have let in and become close with have been some of the most destructive people in my life but that's a different blog. 

 

Jeff

The main reason I can't wait to meet the one is so everyone can SHUT UP.... put their top lip to their bottom lip, zip it, close their mouths.... GEESH! When I know, I'll let everyone else know. Until then I'm going to follow Ray's advice "Party your ass off. Travel your ass off. Take chances. Do it all. Enjoy it." Tomorrow isn't promised and I intend to live a full life and not have regrets about things I should have done! 

 

So the next time you're about to criticize my friendships think about all of the things people judge you about and how much it gets on your nerves! I'm sure people have opinions on your style, hair, children, parenting skills, marriage and the list can go on! 

 

Seeing me NAKED

Being almost 30 and single I hear this question a lot, "So, why are you single?" and if I could take a sock and fill it with nickels..... I would smack the person asking the question but I would probably be facing quite a few assault charges. To say the least, I loathe that question. I'm not saying it's not a valid question but it's how some people ask that bothers me. I get the feeling that they really want to say "girl, what have you been doing to mess up and end up lonely! You're not getting any younger."

I tell my friends over and over and over and over and over.... I will know when I know. My gut, heart and mind will let me know when I've met someone that has great potential or is my "HIM" but I have to be totally honest that question about being single is a very valid one, so I will express why I think I am single.

If you've read other entries in my blog or know me personally you would know that I have endured a sexual assault. I don't use that as a shield to shut men out but as time has gone on it has posed some questions about sexuality and dating for me and made me think. We live in a society where sex sells, hell, sex is everywhere! It's apart of scandals in religion, movies, television, radio, school and anywhere else you can think of. The thing I don't get is if I decide to embrace everything that makes me a woman and exude confidence or sexiness I am being too flirty/mouthy/liberated, a slut or lacking virtue but if I dress like a nun and am as quiet as a church mouse, I am a prude. Don't be misconstrued by my example I am talking about more than just dressing and the body.

In my opinion, I won't always have this body. I'm not built like a Victoria Secret runway model. I could definitely do some toning but I can still put on a 2-piece and hold my own. So what's wrong with embracing fashion trends and wanting to dress in a manner that makes me feel sexy? Sexiness is not limited to just the body. As cliche as it sounds I am not my hair, shoes or clothes. And one day gravity will surely set in!

I believe I am single because guys approach me and say they think I'm beautiful/cute, I'm "rocking that dress" or they heard me joking with so-n-so and thought I was funny annnnnddddd..... that's fine but then what? We automatically should start sexting? Talking about sex? Having sex? And if I'm not automatically going there or letting you know that it's coming soon, you lose interest? (BLANK STARE)

What I have learned about myself is if I am not stimulated mentally, I'm turned off! PERIOD! Talking about your penis, does nothing for me. You were born with a Y chromosome, so you should have a penis. And, while you believe you should be known as the 8th wonder of the world, I've already checked out mentally and started thinking of better things to do. Being confident is great but I'm not a fan of cockiness. I just wonder where all of the true gentlemen are? Why can't people our age hold genuine conversations on the phone and in person? Why can't people truly go out and try to get to know one another? Why do you think it's appropriate to call at all hours of the night or want to invite yourself over?

I want someone who knows I have flaws, insecurities, I'm skeptical about so many things, I don't easily trust, I don't like bugs, I occasionally burp (hehehe), I love food, some days I don't feel like talking or being bothered, I can be moody (especially when I'm hungry), I'm über goofy, I love hard, I can be loud (who gone check me?) and a lot of other things but KNOW that I am worth it! I want someone that taps into my mind/soul and connects with me.

I can't put this solely on the opposite sex, I hear quite often and have blogged previously about my body language and how I understand that it could come off as a huge "F___ OFF! DON'T TALK TO ME!" and I am working on that. Contrary to popular belief, I am not holding my breath for some fairy tale to happen. I understand that as imperfect beings, I will never find someone that will give me 100% of everything I could want and desire from a mate and vice versa.

Soooo.... the moral to this blog is shut up! Stop asking about my ring finger and vagina/uterus! It's not your business. Concern is great but most express it dripping with judgement and pity! You can keep that! All things happen in their due time! Might be tomorrow and could be years from now and I am okay with that!