Broken Glass

Let's use a clear glass from your cupboard as the example. If that glass was to accidentally fall and break you may or may not be able to salvage it. It's highly likely you won't be able to though. You can in fact glue back the bigger pieces but it will never be the same. Here are the reasons why:

1. It's humanly impossible to gather every single piece and shard and glue them back in exactly the manner the glass was before the accident. 
2. Even when glued back together you run the risk of losing the contents in the glass through a leak.
3. The glass could come apart again, creating a bigger mess if it contained a liquid.
4. You could get cut on an unforeseen sharp edge. 
5. Just looking at it, it looks totally different because of the dried glue. 
6. You have to be extra careful when washing it. 
7. It's simply not worth it and just needs to be discarded.

Now let's replace that glass with friendships and relationships. In life sometimes our bonds with people are shattered just like that glass. Sometimes we instantly go to pull out the metaphorical glue of resolve which could be acknowledgement or an apology or space. Even when "glued" back together can things ever be the same? Positively or negatively?

I find that people although they say they forgive you or you forgive them but tend to hold onto the feelings they had that either led to the breakdown or surfaced during that broken moment. Only to come back together and forever hold onto it and let it cut them like a wayward piece of glass until they feel like cutting you. Thus creating a totally different issue.

In the amount of time that you left the friendship or relationship idle you changed.... Hopefully, you did for the better! This incident now has you posing all types of questions about that person, your bond, your moments shared and the list can go on. In no way shape or form am I saying when you forgive, you should forget but you never want to be in that position again because it means you didn't learn the lesson. Outside of God, the master is sometimes also the student. You're never to wise to stop learning.

I am not a fan of metaphorical "shards" of life. The tiny pieces and slivers of glass that remain long after the glass has either been repaired or replaced. Those reminders that pierce you and catch you off guard. As blasé as I can be.... I surely have hot buttons, sensitive issues and feelings. As durable as that glass can be, it can surely can be broken. I'll definitely apologize when I know I have been wrong but I won't stand to be constantly ridiculed or made to feel less by someone else's standards or constantly reminded of something from my past.

Life and death surely lie in the tongue. What are you saying with your mouth that could be tearing someone else down? What are you repeating that could add strife to someones life? What are you subconsciously holding onto and lashing out at others about? Do you even recognize you're doing it? Are you even taking it out on the correct person?

At almost 30 I'm still learning that you can love someone with your whole heart and still hurt them or be hurt by them but when do you truly know it's time to try and stop repairing? Life is truly short.

You say he just a friend?

Science tells us that we are all uniquely composed of genetics and traits. No two people are exactly alike. This can also be said about friendships. Even if I am the common denominator between 2 separate friendships, neither relationship will be identical because what brought us together as friends will be completely different when it comes to experiences, ups/downs, memories and interactions.

 

Some of my closest friends are guys! I love them and don't play about them! God truly blessed me by allowing Andre and Ramone to be 2 huge parts of my life. I discuss EVERYTHING with them, even stuff they probably wish I'd keep to myself, lol! Time and time again, they have provided solace, laughter and advice. I appreciate my relationships with my girlfriends but NOBODY gets me like they do. Even when we are joking or they are getting on my nerves, I never have to question our friendship or their motives.

Ray

Dre & Jimmy

 

 With that being said, our friendships are platonic. We didn't come from the same womb but I love Dre, Ray, Jimmy and Jeff like brothers. Nothing more and nothing less. Are my friends handsome.... Yep! Should I be dating any of them.... Nope! Do we at times act inappropriately according to the standards of others... Yep! For some reason, people don't seem to understand that and I have to hear the following:

• Must be something wrong with you.
• Are you sure they aren't gay?
• Men and women can't truly be that close and not having or have had sex.
• Don't no man want a woman with all those guys around.
• You are forever out and partying with them. 
• You can't be friends with them once you get married. 
• I have guy friends but we never do the things y'all do. 
• Y'alls relationship seems inappropriate from the pics on fb and instagram. 

To all of the above concerns and questions, I have this to say... Maybe you can't be trusted to have male friends and would have sex with them but don't project what you would do onto me. Most of the people with something to say are married and for people who claim to not know whether to wind their butts or scratch their watches because managing a household is so hard but blissful, stop highlighting the fact that I am single. A part of me believes some wish they could trade with me and have their freedom back.

 

It's amazes me that when it comes to my life everyone is an expert. I tell people all the time, you being married or having children doesn't make you an expert. Maybe in your life it does because they're your husband/wife and they are your children but I'm good over here.

 

Today, I was venting to Ray and Dre and they told me "When it comes to love, sometimes you have to sacrifice friends. Not saying no longer be friends, but the amount of time spent and availability will change. Real friends aren't threatened or critical of that if they want to see u happy. When u find THE ONE, we'll gain a brother, WE aint goin no where!!!" <---- Gotta love them!! And anytime I tell my parents that I met someone, they ask "Have Dre and the rest met him?"

 

 

Some of my cousins

 

I come from a huge family and although their were plenty of females, I was usually with my brother, our male cousins and their friends. So the dynamic of being around guys or being close to them isn't one that perplexes me. In fact, women who I have let in and become close with have been some of the most destructive people in my life but that's a different blog. 

 

Jeff

The main reason I can't wait to meet the one is so everyone can SHUT UP.... put their top lip to their bottom lip, zip it, close their mouths.... GEESH! When I know, I'll let everyone else know. Until then I'm going to follow Ray's advice "Party your ass off. Travel your ass off. Take chances. Do it all. Enjoy it." Tomorrow isn't promised and I intend to live a full life and not have regrets about things I should have done! 

 

So the next time you're about to criticize my friendships think about all of the things people judge you about and how much it gets on your nerves! I'm sure people have opinions on your style, hair, children, parenting skills, marriage and the list can go on! 

 

Seeing me NAKED

Being almost 30 and single I hear this question a lot, "So, why are you single?" and if I could take a sock and fill it with nickels..... I would smack the person asking the question but I would probably be facing quite a few assault charges. To say the least, I loathe that question. I'm not saying it's not a valid question but it's how some people ask that bothers me. I get the feeling that they really want to say "girl, what have you been doing to mess up and end up lonely! You're not getting any younger."

I tell my friends over and over and over and over and over.... I will know when I know. My gut, heart and mind will let me know when I've met someone that has great potential or is my "HIM" but I have to be totally honest that question about being single is a very valid one, so I will express why I think I am single.

If you've read other entries in my blog or know me personally you would know that I have endured a sexual assault. I don't use that as a shield to shut men out but as time has gone on it has posed some questions about sexuality and dating for me and made me think. We live in a society where sex sells, hell, sex is everywhere! It's apart of scandals in religion, movies, television, radio, school and anywhere else you can think of. The thing I don't get is if I decide to embrace everything that makes me a woman and exude confidence or sexiness I am being too flirty/mouthy/liberated, a slut or lacking virtue but if I dress like a nun and am as quiet as a church mouse, I am a prude. Don't be misconstrued by my example I am talking about more than just dressing and the body.

In my opinion, I won't always have this body. I'm not built like a Victoria Secret runway model. I could definitely do some toning but I can still put on a 2-piece and hold my own. So what's wrong with embracing fashion trends and wanting to dress in a manner that makes me feel sexy? Sexiness is not limited to just the body. As cliche as it sounds I am not my hair, shoes or clothes. And one day gravity will surely set in!

I believe I am single because guys approach me and say they think I'm beautiful/cute, I'm "rocking that dress" or they heard me joking with so-n-so and thought I was funny annnnnddddd..... that's fine but then what? We automatically should start sexting? Talking about sex? Having sex? And if I'm not automatically going there or letting you know that it's coming soon, you lose interest? (BLANK STARE)

What I have learned about myself is if I am not stimulated mentally, I'm turned off! PERIOD! Talking about your penis, does nothing for me. You were born with a Y chromosome, so you should have a penis. And, while you believe you should be known as the 8th wonder of the world, I've already checked out mentally and started thinking of better things to do. Being confident is great but I'm not a fan of cockiness. I just wonder where all of the true gentlemen are? Why can't people our age hold genuine conversations on the phone and in person? Why can't people truly go out and try to get to know one another? Why do you think it's appropriate to call at all hours of the night or want to invite yourself over?

I want someone who knows I have flaws, insecurities, I'm skeptical about so many things, I don't easily trust, I don't like bugs, I occasionally burp (hehehe), I love food, some days I don't feel like talking or being bothered, I can be moody (especially when I'm hungry), I'm über goofy, I love hard, I can be loud (who gone check me?) and a lot of other things but KNOW that I am worth it! I want someone that taps into my mind/soul and connects with me.

I can't put this solely on the opposite sex, I hear quite often and have blogged previously about my body language and how I understand that it could come off as a huge "F___ OFF! DON'T TALK TO ME!" and I am working on that. Contrary to popular belief, I am not holding my breath for some fairy tale to happen. I understand that as imperfect beings, I will never find someone that will give me 100% of everything I could want and desire from a mate and vice versa.

Soooo.... the moral to this blog is shut up! Stop asking about my ring finger and vagina/uterus! It's not your business. Concern is great but most express it dripping with judgement and pity! You can keep that! All things happen in their due time! Might be tomorrow and could be years from now and I am okay with that!

Valentine's Day

I'm always amazed at how quickly all things Valentine related hit the shelf. We're barely done singing Christmas Carols and watching the ball drop for New Years. I'm even more amazed at the stuff I read on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

You've got women demanding gifts or threatening to withhold sex and or break up with their man. You've got men who like and or dating women seriously, taking a hiatus, to avoid Valentine's Day all together. Now, I have not been in a committed relationship in years but even then, I did not get the overwhelming hoopla about the day. *shrug* I've had roses, candy, dinner and promises of a special night (yawns) before. So, maybe I'm a tad bit jaded, but we JUST had Christmas!! I'm not judging, but you want a couple of hundred dollars worth of stuff to prove he loves you? And let's be completely honest here, Valentine's Day is not a man's holiday. Might be some extra "loving" that day, depending on what he gets her, but it was never designed with guys getting gifts in mind.

Talking to my guy friends, they don't like Valentine's Day for a couple of reasons. One, if you're dating and it's new, how do you determine how much is too much to get for her? You get something too thoughtful and expensive and she's ready to text all her friends about marriage! Two, if you are indeed dating, 9 times out of 10, you are already footing the bill for your dates because "hopefully" you're being chivalrous and courting her like a true gentlemen. (LET'S BE CLEAR, IN NO SHAPE OR FORM DID I SAY "HE" HAS TO ALWAYS PAY. A LOT OF Y'ALL CLAIM TO BE INDEPENDENT, SO FOOT THE BILL SOMETIMES. LET HIM KNOW HE'S APPRECIATED) Any hoo, another complaint is women seem ungrateful. So busy competing trying to "flex on instagram" and compete with the Joneses, she minimizes the gift(s). Isn't it the thought that counts? (Hopefully, he did put thought into it)

On the flip side, some women have never been romanced or given valuable tools about love, adoration and appreciation from their father's and other significant male influences while growing up or while dating. So, they're taking past hopes and disappointments and placing them all on their mates shoulders, metaphorically and are not communicating with their mate. If in fact, Valentine's Day is über important to you and you have certain expectations... relay that to him. I'm not saying be tacky and tape ads of what you want to his wallet, but be clear and honest. Isn't half the romance in seeing how well he knows you?

Now let me backtrack for a moment, if you are indeed one of those guys that tries not to give a gift because you're cheap or emotionally retarded... GROW UP! Or have a seat and move out of the way for a man who is willing to care for that woman, the way she deserves... granted she deserves it. And with that said what are you getting your guy? SEX? <--- I personally find that ridiculous, most men find it hard to stay focused on one vagina as it is, but then you ration it a month or two before so it will be special on Valentine's Day? Maybe you're taking it a step further and... Well, that's between y'all. I'm just saying is it fair to expect such lavish gifts and you get him some edible panties to please you? Yeah that's a selfless gift (SARCASM)! Or remind him that you birth his kids and clean his house? He doesn't remind you when he's mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, washing the cars, paying the bills and dealing with your split personality 5-7 days out of a month.

As for me, I'll probably make some treats for my parents and nieces. Still single, so I'm not pressed about the holiday. Jewelry, shoes, candy and all of that is nice but I'd rather spend it with someone special. So until then I will probably get some Olive Garden to go and an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. Hell, I might eat the whole thing, judge me... I don't care! That cookie crunch in between that ice cream has to be what manna was like to the Israelites when they were in the wilderness the first couple of days!

Preferences

While chatting one day, my friend started joking about loathing the kind of guy he thinks I like and some other friends chimed in. I was laughing at first but was then offended. I feel like the spectrum of guys I have dated, looks wise, has not been limited to this one specific "prototype." They however begged to differ. So I asked my mom to weigh in and she agreed to an extent. I couldn't tell you where my attraction to guys that are light, bright and damn near white comes from buuuutttt hey, we all have preferences. I at least know that what I need may not come packaged the way I want and looks aren't everything.

Plus, some of you are judging right now but allow Idris Elba, Megan Good, Tatum Channing, Halle Berry, Laz Alonso, Lance Gross and countless others to flash across your television screen and your eyes glaze over with LUST!!!! So don't do me, honey!!

I said all of that to say this, dating is not limited to physical appearance. There's so much more to it and although my friends would love to see me happy and in love, I'm starting to think it may not be in the cards for me at all or within the next couple of years at least. I love that they want to help and encourage but nobody knows or understands me and my desires like I do. I trust them but I trust my intuition more and no, I'm not waiting on a certain type of guy to sweep me off my feet.

When it comes to relationships or friendships turning into them, I'm pretty black and white about it. There just simply is no gray area for me. I won't straddle a fence to appease you and I certainly am not in the business of playing games to keep and or make someone "fall" for me. In my head, dating and  things of the nature are simple but we enter them holding onto bitterness, pain, resentment, motives and countless other issues. Thus complicating the scenario of truly opening up and getting to know one another. You either "click" or you don't.

I think one of my biggest flaws is seeing things black and white. Consistency means the world to me. So when things change and I either don't understand or things simply don't feel right, I tend to back away from the situation, evaluate (which could be interpreted as over analyzing) and I shut down. It's also quite possible that I completely shut you out. Memories and emotional scars of things from the past have taught me to simply stop when it doesn't feel right! Don't get the wrong idea... I am in no way saying "Hey, you are going to pay for what so-n-so did," but I believe it would be foolish of me to not take into consideration prior mistakes made and lessons learned.

Looks are great but if your personality is whack and your heart is ugly, looks won't make up for what you are lacking. If you text messaged and called all the time in the beginning, you can't flip the script and no longer communicate. If you start to get to know someone and they're not what you're looking for, say that, honesty goes a long way. It may hurt their feelings but allowing someone to be on a different page than you may hurt even worse. If you're dating several people, say that. You can't assume someone feels the way you do or can read your mind.

We're all humans. We all make mistakes. We all misjudge people and situations from time to time but that's life. What doesn't kill me, will indeed make me stronger. I might shed some tears, feel like punching someone, pray incessantly or give up sometimes but I always pull through with a lesson of some sort.

So, stop lashing out at people because they have preferences. Life has a way of making you change your mind or giving you a new perspective to adjust your way of thinking and preferences! Our taste are different, not better or wrong... DIFFERENT!

Negativity

Saturday was my birthday and to say I had a blast would be an understatement. Got a couple of bruises, broke nails, scraped knees and pictures that speak a thousand words but even in the midst of such great times negativity reared it's head.

My cake from my friend, lol!

“Negativity is totally unnatural. It is a psychic pollutant, and there is a deep link between the poisoning and destruction of nature and the vast negativity that has accumulated in the collective human psyche. No other life-form on the planet knows negativity, only humans, just as no other life-form violates and poisons the Earth that sustains it. Have you ever seen an unhappy flower or a stressed oak tree? Have you some across a depressed dolphin, a frog that has a problem with self-esteem, a cat that cannot relax, or a bird that carries hatred and resentment? The only animals that may occasionally experience something akin to negativity or show signs of neurotic behavior are those that live in close contact with humans and so link into the humans mind and its insanity.” 

― Eckhart Tolle

While out to lunch yesterday, someone I look up to like a big Sister said "the true testament to a friendship, especially where females are concerned, is how you react when you two grow apart or take different paths in life or experience a rift. If you find it easy to rain on my parade when you do talk to me or tell anyone who will listen negative things/secrets about me, we were never friends." Sad to have to find out that way but there's a lot of truth in what she said. 

You have to use your discernment. It will never fail you! Initially When things for me started to change I felt sad but then I learned of secret feelings, private thoughts shared and plans to bring pain and harm to me, whether it be emotionally, mentally or physically I became disturbed! For me it was a sincere moment of clarity. I had been feeling like a tornado came into my life and tossed everything about me and my world in the air. The more I grasped for what I thought belonged to me and added normalcy,  the more things seemed to stay in the air swirling around my head, metaphorically speaking. 

As life would have it all pieces held captured by that tornado are and have been falling into place. Some of those items and people went away with the storm and I am thankful! I'm in a great space right now and the insane thing about is, I could've done away with those things and people a long time ago had I listened to my gut instinct. Not really sure why I thought I could go against the inevitable or that I could make things better "If I _______." <Fill in the blank with countless verbs! 

It takes too much energy to be and stay mad at someone. Grudges aren't healthy! Life truly is short! When I say "I love you," I mean it! Doesn't matter if we're friends, family or intimately friends and to a certain extent/fault, maybe I love too hard.

"Misery loves company" is one of the truest statements ever said. The problem with miserable people is that they can't seem to grasp the concept that the problem lies within them. It's not anyone else fault that you are unhappy but your own! You lying on someone, tearing other people down and doing devious acts will not soothe whatever is festering inside of you. You can only wrong people or be negative for so long before you find yourself alone. 

I love my support system. Aside from keeping me doubled over laughing, they are honest when need be, challenge and pray with/for me! No relationship is ever perfect but I am thankful for them. Can't worry about those people who are no longer a part of my life. I wish no harm on them but understand their seasons in my life are over and they cannot move forward with me in my life's journey. Nor will there be room for them somewhere down the road. 

Tricks or Truth?

There are countless movies where a person listens to their friends coerce them into playing jedi mind tricks to get the girl/guy of their dreams. How to manipulate the scenario in your favor and how to react when things don't go according to plan. Why do we lie to ourselves and our friends?

Here's a thought, if God wanted you to know how the opposite sex works, wouldn't he have made you a man instead of a woman and vice versa? And if you have so much advice to give, why are you single or unhappily in a relationship? Why are you so bored that you are taking up so much of your time to thrust me into a relationship? Hear me out though, if you genuinely want to see me happy and know that I'll be a great compliment to someone's life... I appreciate it but I am not a charity case, my time simply has not come.

To watch these type of scenarios play out in a movie are hilarious but when people try out these ideas in real life, shit truly gets real!!! Don't keep watching these movies like Two Can Play This Game or Sex In The City and believe that you can trick someone into falling in love with you and or have your "happily ever after" following you causing a person to block your number, go the other way when they see you or pushing them so far you push them into someone else's grasp!

Something that seems to be lacking these days is the TRUTH. If you don't like something speak up! If you don't feel a connection, go with your gut feeling and for the love of everything breathing, STOP using people for what they have to compensate for them not being THE ideal person or for YOUR previous history with someone else that has you walking around like Bitter Betty/Moody Marvin.

Lack of truth is why we have thousands of men wearing sagging magnums and injuring women during foreplay because the women prior didn't honestly tell you that your performance was horrible (with tact) but it could also be your ego (that's a different blog). Lack of truth and pride in one's self has both sexes out here lying about who they are and what they have. Lack of truth is causing women to walk outside dressed like a video model and she's built like a queen size mattress. (direct yourself to youtube and watch ICES BROWN)

Not all advice is bad though. I think it is important to have friends or family members of the opposite sex around you to help you decipher when someone is not genuine. We as women pick up on things you men don't see and know and vice versa. I am not saying their vote trumps your feelings and thoughts about that person but at least listen and digest what those who love you are saying.

Some things aren't gray they are truly black and white. As much as friends and family can help, they can do harm as well. Your relationship should not be an open topic each and every time something is going on. Brag too much and you'll find someone drifting into your life with that green eyed monster known as jealousy. Complain too much and you'll find your friends and family sick of y'all and acting really funky towards your significant other.

I think everyone deserves to find true happiness and that definition of happiness is not confined to a relationship. However, I think it's important to always be honest. No one guy can speak for EVERY guy and the same applies to women. Just remember, all things done in the dark come to the light!