Facebook Ended My Relationship!

You hear people say that a great percentage of divorces these days and failed relationships are due to social media. I get that social media can be addicting, but you control the power button, mouse and the activity conducted while you're on there. If anything, these social media outlets just broadcasted how idiotic, lustful and simple you can be. Your mate probably already knew, but is just now embarrassed on a larger scale.

Watching scandals hit the news over and over again involving celebrities I often want to yell at the tv "Are you stupid?" The question is purely rhetorical because if I'm watching you give a press conference to discuss your infidelity... You are! I don't condone cheating, but we live in an imperfect world and some of you just can't get it together. And for those of you who cannot control yourselves, here are some things to think about. (I'm talking to my fellas, mainly!)

• Going for the cheap thrill chick may cost you so much more than you bargained for... This person has heard so much about you. Either you brag too much or someone else has bragged too much. (Money, cars, career, sex and so forth) They've studied you. He/she provides you with pleasures your partner doesn't... but he/she looks at you as the come up! They have NOTHING TO LOSE!!! So the minute you don't give them what they want or you want to stop seeing them, they will BLAST you to anyone who will listen. FB, Instagram, Twitter, Vine, GroupMe, Church Bulletin, your sister's best friend's ex-husband's cousin... They will gain some notoriety for the moment maybe even some sympathy, but now you are willing to give them anything they want to shut them up! Problem is you will more than likely still be outed…. and broke! 
• An office romance seems like a good idea. You can kick it on the clock. Get booty at home (wife/girlfriend) and at work (fling). Your excuses for overtime and going in early seem valid, but eventually the bottom will fall out. A third party could expose you at work for their own purposes. That third party person could either want your job or a promotion (granted, you have that type of authority). And let's hope nothing seriously develops, such as feelings, STD's, a pregnancy or you can say goodbye job and hello sexual harassment case or any other issues. 
• This one I like to call the jackpot. You think you've struck gold! This person knows you have someone, but agrees to be discreet. They seem to have all of the same interest, but little do you know this person is CRAZY! I mean stalk you, sneak in your house and smell your clothes, go to the playground and talk to your kids, playing ball with your hubby, putting on disguises and shopping with your wife.... CRAZY! In their mind, you are perfect together and once they rid you of your significant other or your entire family, y'all can live happily ever after. You will end up on an episode of snapped, CSI, SVU and numerous other shows because they really have mental issues and will harm/kill anyone they deem necessary. You're also probably too stupid to go ahead and tell your wife/girlfriend the truth at this point, because you swear you are protecting her! SMH! 
• I just want a baby chick.... She is dying to be a mother! Doesn't really need you to be a part of the child's life and on the contrary plenty of chicks think having said child will make you chose them and be a family. They almost fall into the "Have Nothing to Lose" category, but in addition to sex, time and money they want a baby... YOURS!!

There are tons of other examples, but these seem to be the most prevalent. Not saying women don't cheat, but it seems that men do it more often or at least caught more than women. (I know that is debatable) The whole "women cheat better because we can lie better" is stupid. Women are too emotional, but that's another blog in itself. I asked some of my friends and have seen these responses of why cheating occurs on social networking sites:

1. I can't stop responding to the inboxes and then things get carried away. (There's a block feature)
2. I just wasn't thinking. We had been arguing and they provided comfort. (Blank stare!)
3. That person is lying. (Are they?)
4. IDK why they are saying those things. You are my world. (SMH!)
5. I had a weak moment and if you take me back I will never do it again. (smh)
6. That person is jealous. They want what you have. (Oh really?)
7. Men are not designed to be monogamous. It's just not our nature! (LMAO!!! Clown)
8. They photoshopped that! <---- MY ALL TIME FAVORITE!!!

To all of the above mentioned excuses and more.... "ARE YOU STUPID?" If you have to cover your tracks…  don't do it!!! Weigh the pros and cons. Pray about it. DON'T do it! If you can't stay committed, be single. Easier said than done, I hear you, but that just means you are selfish! Not wanting to let go of that person, so they can receive all the love, care and genuineness you can't or won't provide and knowing you'll never have anyone else better than them, but will not stop cheating is SELFISH!!! No matter how you try and slice it. Also if you have a daughter/niece/sister could you stomach her heartache at the hands of a guy who is doing what you are doing? Or a son who no longer looks at you like superman because you made his mom cry?

In the end, everything done in the dark comes to the light. We are in a day and age where if the person you are sneaking around with has at least a cellphone. You can and will lose everything. There are such things as time stamps, messages and pictures. All of which are incriminating. On top of that word of mouth will never get old.

And fellas remember, if she is asking you about something... she probably already has the proof, she just wants to see if you will continue to lie! How she got it, is a different issue!

Also…. a shared Facebook page is dumb! (shrug) If a person wants to creep they will! You making them post a million pics of you and every other status about you to prove a point or "show that hoe" is simply dumb and insecure! You had an understanding or vows with that man, not her! Check him first and leave everyone out of your business. (Talking to the ladies!!)

Who Raised You Broads??

Recently I spoke to a friend and hugged him in passing, as did my parents. The young lady with him, that I will presume is his boo/girlfriend or whatever averted her eyes from me and tried to physically push him along in an effort to end our cordial "hi" followed by a hug. Her push resulted in sort of an awkward moment. I stared at her and stood there for a moment and waited for her to look up at me and she never did. A part of me wanted to slap fire out of her, but I had to chuckle because if she knew better, she would have behaved better. Her insecurity surrounding us speaking has nothing to do with me. He looked embarrassed and then slightly annoyed.

When looking at television, Instagram, Facebook and simply being out in public, I often think "who raised you broads?" Women fighting on television over men who have no interest in claiming them, courting them, marrying them or even respecting them. Insecure women who react first instead of thinking or knowing all of the facts. Women who put their needs before their children. Women who find it funny for their children to cuss, pop their lips, twerk and dress like mini whores instead of children, but that's a whole other subject. *audibly sighs*

Growing up my father told me "if you are dating someone and you are out in public and he starts a conversation with someone, he should introduce you out of respect. It's not your place to jump in the conversation and insert yourself. If he's not proud to be with you, why would you want to be with him?" Of course there are exceptions to this, if he was to see a friend or family member and it's been ages since they have talked, they may instantly get carried away. BUT...He should still acknowledge or introduce me.

I am guilty of fulfilling girlfriend/wifely duties when it's just the two of us and then having to pretend that we are just friends in public. I've heard every excuse from "I'm really private and don't like people in my business," to "My ex is crazy and I'm just protecting you," and my personal favorite "It's just not the right time." It boils down to not understanding what you're worth, insecurity or simply knowing and accepting he is a liar or cheater. Again, the scenarios vary and if it makes you feel comfortable to use said excuses, go right ahead.

For me, you have one time to have me waiting in the background while you catch up. I'm outspoken, so I'll bring it to your attention. (Note: I won't be rude or make a scene, but it is definitely a conversation that the two of us will have privately.) The next time clearly tells me where I stand and how to react appropriately. Make no mistake about it, but it takes time and self-actualization to understand that walking away or declaring that we can only be cordial is not giving up... It's knowing you want and deserve more.

Let's also take this a step further. As I stated earlier, if you don't know the person he is interacting with, you could be setting yourself up for failure. What if the person he's speaking to is his sister, mother, cousin or aunt. Maybe it's just a lifelong friend he hasn't seen in a while and here you are showing your behind in public. In this instance it will be an epic fail for you, because I am that family member that will check you and then tell everyone else, so if he ever brings you around everyone else will check you too!

Sex is easy!

I know that even in writing this and thoroughly explaining how I feel, someone will still not get it and that is fine. On one of my previous blogs This isn't going to work… Deal Breakers!, I said I would address this topic of celibacy and abstinence and my choice to wait until marriage.

I lost my virginity in high school and if I could honestly do it over again, I would have waited. As a teenager, I don't believe I was emotionally equipped to handle sex. I felt a lot of pressure from my then friends, who had been giving it up for years (no shade) and claimed it was so fun and if I wanted to be mature and or keep my man, that is what it took. I also, did not feel comfortable to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. (We still have never talked about sex!) Besides the initial pain, I didn't have this big explosive finish, I had been hearing about and to date I still have never had a vaginal orgasm. (I know you're gasping)

As I went through college and my adult life post-college, I would go months and almost a year at a time without having sex. The actual act was fun to an extent. but the anticlimatic finish was getting old. Of course my friends had a million suggestions, but nothing worked. And with each relationship and experience, I felt a little tug on my heart... I generally ignored it.

I think the general assumption for my friends is I don't have sex, because of the sexual assault I endured and it may play a factor, but it's not the reason I have decided to abstain. After going to the doctor and telling him "my vagina was broke," he stifled laughter and assured me that it wasn't... I probably just hadn't met the right guy, which confused me even more.

Part of my confusion comes from understanding love! If I am to be 100% honest, I do not think I've ever truly been in love. I have loved boyfriends and lusted guys, but there is not one instance where I can comfortably say, "I loved them from my soul and felt that reciprocated." Even, with not truly being in love, I created soul ties with some people. It took me 29 years, to understand that God will try to close the door and or steer you away because he understands what lies ahead. He'll give you indications (that tug on the heart, I spoke of earlier), but we allow our flesh to render the decision.

The things I was clear about were 1) sex was easy, the actual act of having it. 2)with each partner, a soul tie could be created. 3)casual sex and even sex in a relationship, was simply not for me. I've been told this sounds idiotic, but my heart is tied to my vagina, not literally, but in a sense that whoever I'm destined to be with has to unlock it in a metaphorical sense, must truly be in tune with me... mind, body and soul!

I have tried several times to refrain from sex, but I allowed the way I felt carnally or a past soul tie, to interfere with that decision. Each time the guilt being stronger and stronger. We're in a society that promotes sex. It is literally everywhere! On tv, in movies, in music... everywhere! It's a topic that can carry heavy consequences, but is casually approached.

For me, it's simple now! God is not conditional! I cannot say I trust the Lord, but I have to have sex with ____ to know that God got my wishlist of what I want from a man, right. I get in my car, on a plane and walk across a street without testing the road, the car, the plane and so forth. If I truly trust the Lord, why is it that I do not have faith that he will supply all of my needs where a friend, boyfriend and husband are concerned? I'm not knocking anyone who had an active sex life before marriage, to each his own, but I know this is the correct decision for me. The examples attesting to abstinence before marriage, are fewer that those that decided to have sex, but I have met couples and come across stories where they waited and their stories are amazing.

It actually makes dating a tad bit easier. Most guys are not willing to wait and that is fine, (points to the left) "There is the exit!" What I have learned is that I cannot idolize marriage, I should enjoy being single and finding ways to get closer to God. I've also learned that whomever I decide to marry, will have had to make their own decision to abstain, for themselves. It's selfish to try and make a guy, who I want him to be and agree to go along with abstaining. The decision is not one that was placed on his heart for his own personal reasons. I've been single for almost 6 years. Does it get tough, yes, but I know one day, I will be sharing an amazing love story designed by God! On top of that, I have no "oops" moments or trips to the clinic! So again, sex is easy, but choosing to wait is hard... but worth it!

It Cost Me

I think I've touched on broken relationships/friendships before in a previous blog, but the subject has reappeared... as lessons tend to do when you have not passed the test yet! Where I stand in my life right now is certainly not where I want to be, but who I am in this moment makes me happy from the inside out. I am what you call a people person. According to my dad and friend, Tiya, I must have missed the lesson on "Stranger Danger," because I will strike up a conversation with anyone. It's just my nature, but what I noticed a while back is that there's a difference between being a people person and being a people PLEASER! It's not that I was verbally saying 'Hey, feel free to walk all over me," but my actions exuded something that made people think it was okay to do so.

Our generation is one that is fascinated with social media, but the problem with that is a lot of people are projecting an image of what they think will get them the most likes, retweets, comments and adoration/envy. The other issue with being so open on social media, is the entitlement people feel to judge you. Many people are not living the reality that they project on social media. Their marriages suck. They are unhappy with themselves. They are spending above their means. They are faking relationships/friendships to appear important, liked or loved. The list can certainly go on and on.

I've received much criticism about who I'm hanging with, what I do or don't do and have or don't have. I would take those "critiques" to my friends and they would listen and then give advice, but one day a friend said "Keturah, I love you, but I don't want to hear about what ____ has to say anymore. Why do you care? That person is miserable. Do what's best for you." LIGHT BULB MOMENT So I took some time to dissect my feelings and thoughts. The truth was I felt a bit vulnerable. I was surrounded by great people, but I was waiting for something to happen to show me that maybe I couldn't trust anyone or that based upon my past friendships, it wasn't possible to be understood and truly enjoy being in their company or allow myself to be seen bare.

Where friendship is concerned, I've honestly had a tough time with it. You see people say 10 years, 15 years, 20 years... My day 1's. So to in a sense, ending a lot of friendships and start over or scaling back, was crippling me from truly testing the waters and relying on my faith. People sometimes walk into your life and show you why and how past friendships were wrong for you. You have to realize that you will never be good enough in some people's eyes, but that's not your problem. You also have to get comfortable knowing when you walk away from people and or scale back, they will not take it well. Some will badmouth you and that's them being jealous or intimidated and trying to make you less appealing to others or them convincing themselves they don't care, want or need you.

What I've found in my circle of friends, that I call "my forevers" is amazing. We laugh together, joke around, cry, fight, support and most of all LOVE one another. I talk to them EVERY DAY, multiple times a day. Our parents love all of us! We come as a package deal, we'll respect your relationship, but you get all of us with the person you are dating! Just when I felt like I was going to break, God sent them to me.

So, yes... you may see my pics and post and think we spend a lot of time together or party a lot but what you don't see are the tears I cried. The times I wanted to die. The soul ties I thought I would never break. The process it took to have me firmly planted and proud now. The times I settled for less. The times I stayed, when it hurt. The things I held on to, that did not deserve to occupy space in my head and or room in my heart. It cost me a lot to get here. I had to pray a lot. I had to learn to give up old thoughts, old habits, friends turned faux and so much more. God is still creating new things in me and replenishing me where I felt depleted.

I love all of my friends, but some people have to be loved from a distance. I can't be everywhere and do everything everyone would like me to do. Your reality is not mine, because my life and decisions belong to me!

Ok... Where's Ashton? I'm being punked right?!

The topics my friends and I have chose lately have been serious, so we decided to be light and funny today. The topic at hand is "Worst Date Ever" and although I can laugh now, it was NOT funny then! (Hope he never sees this!!!) Out of respect for him, I'll refer to him as "LARRY".

So in 2012, I was working at a bank. There was a gentleman who came in from time to time, to handle the deposits of the store he managed. We both attended UK together, but had never had a conversation. I had heard things about Larry from mutual friends, but nothing too bad. He eventually added me on fb and struck up a conversation. We eventually exchanged numbers and had several text convos. During one about preferences, we bumped heads about him calling the mother of his child a bitch and my not wanting to date a guy with children or someone who excessively drinks/smokes. He apologized for the derogatory word and we continued our conversation. HE decided to meet me in a club on 4th street. Let me put this disclaimer out though: I was hosting a free party I received and he decided that would be a good time for him to come and have our first date. I thought it would be ALL women and had invited my friend to bring her books/products for an impromptu fantasy party.

He arrives first, got me a drink and we're having lite conversation. After a while, my friends trickle in and we move to the back table. The two of us order and receive our food first. He declines to eat until all of the ladies receive their food (kudos) and then sh*t started going down the drain. He then asked about cock rings. Y'all I just about chocked on my food. Noticing my horror, he explains that his doctor suggested he get one. In college he could go all night and now he's got about 2 minutes in him. My friend proceeds to show him products and talk about them, but I have mentally checked out. My friend, Dre text me and ask if it's okay to come by and I tell him "YES," while silently thanking 8 pound baby Jesus, swaddled in a manager.

Dre then shows up and speaks to everyone. I introduce him to "my date" and Larry's disposition immediately changes! We're all laughing, joking and sharing food. About 10 minutes had gone by and I realized Larry had been gone to get his 5th drink way too long. I got to go to the bathroom and when I came out he was standing in a corner behind a door looking like a runaway refugee. He grabs me and hugs me really, really tight and proceeds to tell me he got up because Dre is light skin and he doesn't get along with light skin guys. I removed myself from his embrace and balked at his words. I started to walk away, but turned around. I don't remember the specific words, but I let him know Dre was one of my best friends and he wasn't going away. Deal with it or leave me alone. (Secretly I was hoping for the latter and looking for Ashton Kutcher at this point)

Dinner ended and we decided to move the party to Prime. After the exchange of words in the corridor and him paying his bill before leaving, I was certain that was the last I would hear from him... NOPE!!

He shows up at Prime and offers to buy me a drink. I decline and frown at the fact that he is still drinking and will later drive!! He notices my displeased look and announces that he has to PISS! (Ashton, you can come out now). I proceed to the front  of the club and start having a convo with the party promoter, Danny and my friend Jamise. Larry returns from the bathroom with ANOTHER drink, SMH! He speaks to Jamise (they went to high school together) and then turns his attention to me and begins the following tirade...

"You know what your problem is? You not use to a real n*gga. Yeah. (chuckles and nods while spilling the contents of his drink) Real n*ggas got kids! Real n*ggas drink! Real n*ggas smoke! Real n*ggas get loud. Real n*ggas can do what the f__k they want. Like tonight, Imma stay out til about 5 o'clock in the morning and then get up and go to work. You know why? Cause I'm a real n*gga."

 

With each word he got increasingly louder and animated. Jamise got up to intervene but Danny put his hand on her shoulder to make her sit down. Security moved in between us looking at him, but asking if I was okay. I nodded and Danny scooted me closer towards him and Jamise. I wasn't scared or mad, just shocked. He backed up a few steps, while trying to explain that I was stuck up and needed to be schooled but security instructed him to refrain from talking to me. He finally walked away. One of the guards watched me get in my car and I went home. I called my homegirl to relay the story, we laughed but I was in disbelief still.

 

The next day, he asked me to go out. I almost threw my phone. WHAT?! Are you insane? I politely declined and informed him that his behavior was unacceptable. If I saw him out I would speak but further communication was pointless. He said OK, but 9 hours later he sent me a barrage of text messages about him being a "G" and he couldn't believe I had turned him down. (Blank Stare) I didn't respond.



Looking back, I should have diswayed him from coming to 4th street at all, but in a sense, I am glad it happened in front of other people. It took a whole year before I went on another date.

My guys!

Today's subject is about "best friends," if you've read some of my blogs, you've heard me talk about Ray and Dre. If not refer to my previous post You Say He's Just a Friend. I don't throw the term "Best Friend" around loosely. To me, that term is reserved for my husband, wherever he may be... but these 2 are the closest friends out of all of my friends. I'm not downplaying my relationship with any of my other friends but these two are truly special to me.





Honorable mention to Jimmy--> and Jeff! (smooches) <--- My brothers!!!!

The Mestie

I met Ray when I was 17 at O'malley's hanging out with mutual friends. I wouldn't say we dated but we hung out a couple of times and then lost contact. I would see him over the years and we would say "hi" and keep it moving. Fast forward to September of 2009, there was a discussion of hanging out that night on somebody's status on fb. So a group of us went out to eat and the sexual assault I endured was brought up. I relayed the story and we all discussed and then went to the pie kitchen for dessert. Afterwards, we went to our friend's house to watch movies. She tapped out and we were up until 3 or 4 in the morning catching up, joking and laughing. The thing about Ray was I felt 100% comfortable to be around him and talk to him, not in a dating sense but in a I truly want to know you type of way.

Ray and I at Dre's 30th Birthday Party!

During this time I barely slept. I didn't speak on the subject much as my feelings were concerned but I was crushed and honestly depressed. For about 2 weeks I did nothing but cry. Ray on 2 occasions sat on the phone with me until 6-7am just listening or trying to make me laugh. My trust level for people was at an all-time low. Somewhere in there, I became a bit clingy. Again, it wasn't because I wanted him but because I didn't want to open up to anyone else. He was firm in telling me that he couldn't always be my crutch and I had to find a way to be "Keturah" again. Ray was consistent and funny, I truly believe his timing in re-entering my life was perfect. Ray, may not say much but he always pays attention. I love Ray's relationship with his son and respect him as a father! I'm not sure I ever told him, but just being himself, he helped to restore my trust, thoughts on friendship and stirred me away from having a bitter mentality and I love him for that. Ray, my Mestie (Male Bestie, he hates the term)!

Ray and his son, Keno.

Dre Day

Dre and I met on fb through a status of someone, neither of us associate with anymore. I tend to boss people around and Dre was no exception! In the beginning, I think he went with my bossiness so that he could gauge me. He pound for pound gets me! I'm never misunderstood when it comes to him. He's not afraid to tell me NO. Is a protector and will call out the dude I'm dating if the guys acts anything less than a gentleman. When my world was upside down, he knew right away, by just looking at me. At that moment, he didn't push the issue and ask questions. He hugged me and gave me space. I honestly was so fragile in that moment that I would have probably lost it and broke down. When I was ready to talk, he listened and offered up words straight from his heart and prayed for and with me. 

Dre and at the winery!

With him and (Ray) it's simple! They allow me to be ME! When Dre is sad, I feel his pain. When I get too bossy, he counters me. When I make up a song or sing the wrong words, he's goes right along with me and or produces the beat. When I wanted to put paws on some chicks, he held my stuff! ~* God is not through with me yet!!!! *~ He's the Thomas J to my Vada. The Rob to my Khloe and the Bam Bam to my pebbles! My parents love him like he is their own and I love his family. I can't wait to see him interact with my future husband and I with his wife. 

Dre and I at my 30th Birthday Party! 

Dre & Ray

They are the people I tell everything to. I have showed them all sides of me. The good, bad and ugly and they are still around. They are the people who will tell me when I'm wrong and why. They get all of my jokes! When I am unsure of something, I run it by them. They allow me to annoy the mess out of them and still love me. They have NEVER questioned our relationships/motives and I have never felt a reason to do the same with them. They are surrogate kids to my parents. They challenge me to be better. They'll be in my wedding, if it's stateside and at my wedding if I do a destination wedding (No objections, Ramone). They will be my kid's Uncles and I could go on and on about them. I 89% trust them with my life, lol! We have had some GREAT times over the past couple of years, butted heads in some areas but I wouldn't trade them for anything! I would seriously battle for and over them!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

Being that we are 3 dimensional beings, it's amazing that people try to put you in a box according to what they think of you or have heard. I'm guilty as well, there are people that make me inwardly groan with disgust when I see or hear about them. We've been taught catch phrases and we sing songs about people, their thoughts and what they can do with them, but all of us would be lying to ourselves if we said the opinions of others don't matter.

The most frustrating thing in the world is being misunderstood! It boils my buns! A lot of times I hear the opinions of other (repeatedly sometimes) and I may smile or laugh at the moment, but inside my head I have imagined you getting hit by a bus or me kicking you in the face…. hard! Jet Li style!

So you're thinking, "what have people said about you"....

I'm stuck up...
I'm loud...
I'm ghetto...
I'm spoiled...
I'm a bitch...
I'm hood...
I'm fake…
I have too many friends...
I'm judgemental...
I'll never get married...
I'm broke...
I'm cute but (insert a shady back-handed compliment)...
I'm shady...
I know too much about others...
I'm rude...
My jokes are too crass...
Attention Seeking...
AND ON & ON

(Insert loud audible sigh and a chuckle) I quite possibly am some of those things but why do YOU feel the need to point them out? What is it about me, that makes you feel the need to belittle me or express your negativity.... are you bored or insecure? Quite possibly mad? (oooh... The shade is real! Lol!)

Listen, I am passionate and I do tend to go hard, revert back to 23rd & Chestnut and can get loud when I'm excited, lied on or mistreated! (Yes, I do have a horrible habit of popping my mouth.) Not saying it's right but, I am making a conscious effort to pause before I react! I'm only once removed from the projects!

I'm spoiled… yes, this is true but what you usually judge me on are tangible things with monetary value. The memories and joy I have from my parents, family and childhood supersede "THINGS" anyway. If it all went away tomorrow, I would still have my family/friends, my memories and be loved.

Laughter is good for the soul! With everything in life, make sure you can take in what you dish out. Also, don't be such a prude. Laughter, joking and pranks were apart of my upbringing and are still a major part of my life!

I never get dressed with the mentality of "Girl, you gon' kill 'em today Honey! Okkkkkayy!" I do put in an effort to look my best and I have a sparkling personality, (some times) but I won't tone down who I am to make you feel better!

I've made many connections with various people throughout my life. Who I chose to hang with is really none of your business. I have a core group of friends that mean the world to me, but occasionally I hang out with fellow alumni, past co-workers, childhood friends and so forth. If that makes me fake, so be it. It's shallow to think I should only talk to and spend time with a certain group of friends, ONLY! I don't belong to anyone on this earth but Bev and Sherm... to an extent and Jesus!

At the end of the day, I AM loving, sensitive, caring, fabulous, blessed (Thank you JESUS), protecting and can enunciate when need be. When you pigeon hole me, I simply lose respect for you. Not sure about something, ask me! If I'm not your cup of tea, please exit stage LEFT!!! EVERYONE IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY!

This isn't going to work… Deal Breakers!

When I talk about relationships/marriage and expectations, I think people believe I live in some fantasy land or my expectations are too high. In my opinion, maybe they are a bit jaded, too affected by societal views or have settled…. misery loves company, yanno?!

Any Hoo, here are my 5 deal breakers, I believe will cause me to believe "we" won't work out!

1. FAITH- I am a Christian. I believe that as a Christian, I can learn ways and be challenged by people who have different beliefs but at the end of the day if we don't share the same basic ideals about our faith then I don't believe we will work out. It extends further than us and involves our future household and children. Should our child be Muslim Monday through Friday and then shoveling pork down their gut on Sunday at the Church Anniversary picnic? Jewish on Saturday? Are you going to be on the couch on Sunday, while I'm in the house of the Lord? Along with faith comes your own commitment to the Lord, I can't make you have a relationship. You shouldn't fake one to get a chick in bed. I want to be able to pray with you and for you, knowing you do the same.

2. HONESTY- As I said in a previous Blog Why Are You Single, I need a man to be transparent. When you stammer, withhold or change your story… I'm probably already thinking of ways to tell you "This isn't going to work." The time you take to eventually tell me the truth and some malarkey about you trying to protect me or not knowing how to tell is wasted time. Telling the truth is not always easy, I get it but a lie always seems to take on a life of it's own and lies lead to trust issues.

3. FAMILY/FRIENDS- This person will have to have thick skin. PERIOD. My family members will test you but if you're the man that God designed for me, I don't think you'll have a problem. (bites lip) Same goes for my friends. I've learned instead of trying to interfere, I should allow them to grill you because they are going to do it anyways and only want the best for me. Along with this category comes understanding and acceptance. We as a family get together quite often and the same goes for my friends. We're loud! Our jokes are crude! A little bit of cussing! A lot of food and even more laughter! Also, I have a couple of guy friends I am extremely close to, you either gain four brothers in Ray, Dre, Jimmy and Jeff or this won't work. Also, if you try to keep me away from them or discourage us spending time together (family/friends), Byyyyyyeeee!!!!

4. SEX- My decision to not have sex until marriage is not a popular one but it's mine. I hadn't had sex since December 2011 and foolishly and briefly allowed someone from my past in, this past September. 19 months of abstinence down the drain, but a lesson learned. One is, God was preventing him from being in my life for a reason but I nudged that door open and allowed him to reappear. It's a great thing that God is, a God of second chances... so I'm back to the abstinence. 25 months total, even with that blunder! In my reading the bible and devotions, I have learned that "he" will have to have made his own promise/vow to God. I can't make him stop having sex on my account and put all of this pressure of expectation on him.

We'll visit this topic (sex/abstinence) again in depth…..

5. SMOKING- I can't handle it! No blacks! No cigarettes! No Marijuana! Nothing else. Oddly, I don't mind the occasional cigar but not around me! Smokers snore and have some unsettling funk lodged in their throat! Yuck

I think that's all!! There are some smaller things I want, but aren't deal breakers. Clean shaved! Smells amazing! Athletic! Driven! Educated! Willing to try new things! Can manage money! Versatile wardrobe…. but suits! (Yes Lord)

Why are you single?

Being 29 and single with no children, I often hear "Why are you single?" Whether it be an old classmate or teacher, friends of my parents, family members or guys that I'm out on a date with. In the past my answer was always "He hasn't presented himself. So I've just been doing me." Is it truthful, yes but it is also taking responsibility off of me and putting it on whomever my future guy may be. Started doing some soul searching and asking my friends what they think.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your friends are like mirrors to a certain extent and this is why you should only have people around you who always have your best interest at heart, will always be honest with you but won't sugarcoat anything. This is what I was told:

• I will be my biggest obstacle in a relationship because I am used to being me, by myself and not worrying about anyone else's feelings, thoughts or time. 
• My mate will have to be 100% transparent or I will leave because I have a tendency to over think.
• I've been groomed for a husband, not just a "dude." I have substance. (He may be older) 
• Can't focus on what ifs, especially negative ones because he'll want what u want, God made him to compliment you and vice versa. 

First thought was how much older??? Old men give you worms, so I was told. LOL! 

Okay, all jokes aside I would have to say I agree. I have become accustomed to me, myself and I. If I don't want to be bothered I turn off my phone. If there's something I don't want to do, I stay in and chill. If I am out and people are on my nerves, I leave! (Shrug) Learning to incorporate someone in my world will be like moving a mountain. (Y'all pray for whoever he may be) 

I've been there and done that with the "Great girlfriend" routine of cooking, cleaning, making sure you're comfortable, staying sexy and yada yada. However, I have to realize I did those things for guys who did not deserve it. Playing "wifey" to a boyfriend, when my intuition told me to not to was my fault and not my future partner's issue. Giving my all to not see that in return is probably a huge reason why I have stayed single for so long. I also have an understanding that it's okay to remember the times that things did not pan out and how it made me feel. They were lessons that happened for a reason, but in no shape or form should they be baggage for the next person. I've also said before that things are usually black and white for me. Yes, I have the capability to step outside of myself and see things from other's perspectives, but when things don't feel right... I'm out. I'm sure that behavior is viewed as bad and non-communicative because it looks as if I'm running away, but God gave us intuition for a reason. I trust mine wholeheartedly but have to learn to not over think so much and be in the moment. 

The grooming part is definitely true. Some of my ways are definitely old school but in my opinion, the right way. My mom cooked breakfast every morning. We rarely had leftovers because she cooked almost everyday. Pray before every meal. I was taught to fix the men and the guest's plates before I fix my own. What happens in my bedroom, is no one else's business. Being appreciative, supportive.... I could go on and on. Don't misinterpret, my mom never specifically said "Do this, this, this and that to be a great wife." I just paid attention to their interactions over the course of my 29 years. They've been married for 38 years, so some of that must be valid! 

Hand in hand with the grooming are my expectations. I won't ever be a doormat, again for anyone. Nor will I be this amazing girlfriend and while you just want to lay up. Showing me you care and appreciate me is vital. Quality time is not just chilling on the couch. You have to do what you did to get me, to keep me! If you actually listen, I like a lot of things and want to try a lot of things. It's truly the small things that matter. As for the what ifs, it's only normal but why ponder about things that have not come to fruition. I need to allow things to happen and deal with them when the time comes. I clearly am not in charge of that aspect of my life so I can't do anything but learn to let go! 

So, I guess my answer to the afore mentioned question has definitely changed. I can now say "I, Keturah am single because I won't accept less than I'm worth. To date I haven't met anyone whom I have been greatly compatible with and or felt like I could trust myself (heart, mind, pain, faith, dreams and soul) with or anyone who has been willing to be truly transparent with me and I'm okay with that because I'd rather be truly happy than just saying I'm in a relationship but I won't lie a portion of me is scared to truly open up." 

Broken Glass

Let's use a clear glass from your cupboard as the example. If that glass was to accidentally fall and break you may or may not be able to salvage it. It's highly likely you won't be able to though. You can in fact glue back the bigger pieces but it will never be the same. Here are the reasons why:

1. It's humanly impossible to gather every single piece and shard and glue them back in exactly the manner the glass was before the accident. 
2. Even when glued back together you run the risk of losing the contents in the glass through a leak.
3. The glass could come apart again, creating a bigger mess if it contained a liquid.
4. You could get cut on an unforeseen sharp edge. 
5. Just looking at it, it looks totally different because of the dried glue. 
6. You have to be extra careful when washing it. 
7. It's simply not worth it and just needs to be discarded.

Now let's replace that glass with friendships and relationships. In life sometimes our bonds with people are shattered just like that glass. Sometimes we instantly go to pull out the metaphorical glue of resolve which could be acknowledgement or an apology or space. Even when "glued" back together can things ever be the same? Positively or negatively?

I find that people although they say they forgive you or you forgive them but tend to hold onto the feelings they had that either led to the breakdown or surfaced during that broken moment. Only to come back together and forever hold onto it and let it cut them like a wayward piece of glass until they feel like cutting you. Thus creating a totally different issue.

In the amount of time that you left the friendship or relationship idle you changed.... Hopefully, you did for the better! This incident now has you posing all types of questions about that person, your bond, your moments shared and the list can go on. In no way shape or form am I saying when you forgive, you should forget but you never want to be in that position again because it means you didn't learn the lesson. Outside of God, the master is sometimes also the student. You're never to wise to stop learning.

I am not a fan of metaphorical "shards" of life. The tiny pieces and slivers of glass that remain long after the glass has either been repaired or replaced. Those reminders that pierce you and catch you off guard. As blasé as I can be.... I surely have hot buttons, sensitive issues and feelings. As durable as that glass can be, it can surely can be broken. I'll definitely apologize when I know I have been wrong but I won't stand to be constantly ridiculed or made to feel less by someone else's standards or constantly reminded of something from my past.

Life and death surely lie in the tongue. What are you saying with your mouth that could be tearing someone else down? What are you repeating that could add strife to someones life? What are you subconsciously holding onto and lashing out at others about? Do you even recognize you're doing it? Are you even taking it out on the correct person?

At almost 30 I'm still learning that you can love someone with your whole heart and still hurt them or be hurt by them but when do you truly know it's time to try and stop repairing? Life is truly short.

You say he just a friend?

Science tells us that we are all uniquely composed of genetics and traits. No two people are exactly alike. This can also be said about friendships. Even if I am the common denominator between 2 separate friendships, neither relationship will be identical because what brought us together as friends will be completely different when it comes to experiences, ups/downs, memories and interactions.

 

Some of my closest friends are guys! I love them and don't play about them! God truly blessed me by allowing Andre and Ramone to be 2 huge parts of my life. I discuss EVERYTHING with them, even stuff they probably wish I'd keep to myself, lol! Time and time again, they have provided solace, laughter and advice. I appreciate my relationships with my girlfriends but NOBODY gets me like they do. Even when we are joking or they are getting on my nerves, I never have to question our friendship or their motives.

Ray

Dre & Jimmy

 

 With that being said, our friendships are platonic. We didn't come from the same womb but I love Dre, Ray, Jimmy and Jeff like brothers. Nothing more and nothing less. Are my friends handsome.... Yep! Should I be dating any of them.... Nope! Do we at times act inappropriately according to the standards of others... Yep! For some reason, people don't seem to understand that and I have to hear the following:

• Must be something wrong with you.
• Are you sure they aren't gay?
• Men and women can't truly be that close and not having or have had sex.
• Don't no man want a woman with all those guys around.
• You are forever out and partying with them. 
• You can't be friends with them once you get married. 
• I have guy friends but we never do the things y'all do. 
• Y'alls relationship seems inappropriate from the pics on fb and instagram. 

To all of the above concerns and questions, I have this to say... Maybe you can't be trusted to have male friends and would have sex with them but don't project what you would do onto me. Most of the people with something to say are married and for people who claim to not know whether to wind their butts or scratch their watches because managing a household is so hard but blissful, stop highlighting the fact that I am single. A part of me believes some wish they could trade with me and have their freedom back.

 

It's amazes me that when it comes to my life everyone is an expert. I tell people all the time, you being married or having children doesn't make you an expert. Maybe in your life it does because they're your husband/wife and they are your children but I'm good over here.

 

Today, I was venting to Ray and Dre and they told me "When it comes to love, sometimes you have to sacrifice friends. Not saying no longer be friends, but the amount of time spent and availability will change. Real friends aren't threatened or critical of that if they want to see u happy. When u find THE ONE, we'll gain a brother, WE aint goin no where!!!" <---- Gotta love them!! And anytime I tell my parents that I met someone, they ask "Have Dre and the rest met him?"

 

 

Some of my cousins

 

I come from a huge family and although their were plenty of females, I was usually with my brother, our male cousins and their friends. So the dynamic of being around guys or being close to them isn't one that perplexes me. In fact, women who I have let in and become close with have been some of the most destructive people in my life but that's a different blog. 

 

Jeff

The main reason I can't wait to meet the one is so everyone can SHUT UP.... put their top lip to their bottom lip, zip it, close their mouths.... GEESH! When I know, I'll let everyone else know. Until then I'm going to follow Ray's advice "Party your ass off. Travel your ass off. Take chances. Do it all. Enjoy it." Tomorrow isn't promised and I intend to live a full life and not have regrets about things I should have done! 

 

So the next time you're about to criticize my friendships think about all of the things people judge you about and how much it gets on your nerves! I'm sure people have opinions on your style, hair, children, parenting skills, marriage and the list can go on! 

 

Seeing me NAKED

Being almost 30 and single I hear this question a lot, "So, why are you single?" and if I could take a sock and fill it with nickels..... I would smack the person asking the question but I would probably be facing quite a few assault charges. To say the least, I loathe that question. I'm not saying it's not a valid question but it's how some people ask that bothers me. I get the feeling that they really want to say "girl, what have you been doing to mess up and end up lonely! You're not getting any younger."

I tell my friends over and over and over and over and over.... I will know when I know. My gut, heart and mind will let me know when I've met someone that has great potential or is my "HIM" but I have to be totally honest that question about being single is a very valid one, so I will express why I think I am single.

If you've read other entries in my blog or know me personally you would know that I have endured a sexual assault. I don't use that as a shield to shut men out but as time has gone on it has posed some questions about sexuality and dating for me and made me think. We live in a society where sex sells, hell, sex is everywhere! It's apart of scandals in religion, movies, television, radio, school and anywhere else you can think of. The thing I don't get is if I decide to embrace everything that makes me a woman and exude confidence or sexiness I am being too flirty/mouthy/liberated, a slut or lacking virtue but if I dress like a nun and am as quiet as a church mouse, I am a prude. Don't be misconstrued by my example I am talking about more than just dressing and the body.

In my opinion, I won't always have this body. I'm not built like a Victoria Secret runway model. I could definitely do some toning but I can still put on a 2-piece and hold my own. So what's wrong with embracing fashion trends and wanting to dress in a manner that makes me feel sexy? Sexiness is not limited to just the body. As cliche as it sounds I am not my hair, shoes or clothes. And one day gravity will surely set in!

I believe I am single because guys approach me and say they think I'm beautiful/cute, I'm "rocking that dress" or they heard me joking with so-n-so and thought I was funny annnnnddddd..... that's fine but then what? We automatically should start sexting? Talking about sex? Having sex? And if I'm not automatically going there or letting you know that it's coming soon, you lose interest? (BLANK STARE)

What I have learned about myself is if I am not stimulated mentally, I'm turned off! PERIOD! Talking about your penis, does nothing for me. You were born with a Y chromosome, so you should have a penis. And, while you believe you should be known as the 8th wonder of the world, I've already checked out mentally and started thinking of better things to do. Being confident is great but I'm not a fan of cockiness. I just wonder where all of the true gentlemen are? Why can't people our age hold genuine conversations on the phone and in person? Why can't people truly go out and try to get to know one another? Why do you think it's appropriate to call at all hours of the night or want to invite yourself over?

I want someone who knows I have flaws, insecurities, I'm skeptical about so many things, I don't easily trust, I don't like bugs, I occasionally burp (hehehe), I love food, some days I don't feel like talking or being bothered, I can be moody (especially when I'm hungry), I'm über goofy, I love hard, I can be loud (who gone check me?) and a lot of other things but KNOW that I am worth it! I want someone that taps into my mind/soul and connects with me.

I can't put this solely on the opposite sex, I hear quite often and have blogged previously about my body language and how I understand that it could come off as a huge "F___ OFF! DON'T TALK TO ME!" and I am working on that. Contrary to popular belief, I am not holding my breath for some fairy tale to happen. I understand that as imperfect beings, I will never find someone that will give me 100% of everything I could want and desire from a mate and vice versa.

Soooo.... the moral to this blog is shut up! Stop asking about my ring finger and vagina/uterus! It's not your business. Concern is great but most express it dripping with judgement and pity! You can keep that! All things happen in their due time! Might be tomorrow and could be years from now and I am okay with that!

Valentine's Day

I'm always amazed at how quickly all things Valentine related hit the shelf. We're barely done singing Christmas Carols and watching the ball drop for New Years. I'm even more amazed at the stuff I read on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

You've got women demanding gifts or threatening to withhold sex and or break up with their man. You've got men who like and or dating women seriously, taking a hiatus, to avoid Valentine's Day all together. Now, I have not been in a committed relationship in years but even then, I did not get the overwhelming hoopla about the day. *shrug* I've had roses, candy, dinner and promises of a special night (yawns) before. So, maybe I'm a tad bit jaded, but we JUST had Christmas!! I'm not judging, but you want a couple of hundred dollars worth of stuff to prove he loves you? And let's be completely honest here, Valentine's Day is not a man's holiday. Might be some extra "loving" that day, depending on what he gets her, but it was never designed with guys getting gifts in mind.

Talking to my guy friends, they don't like Valentine's Day for a couple of reasons. One, if you're dating and it's new, how do you determine how much is too much to get for her? You get something too thoughtful and expensive and she's ready to text all her friends about marriage! Two, if you are indeed dating, 9 times out of 10, you are already footing the bill for your dates because "hopefully" you're being chivalrous and courting her like a true gentlemen. (LET'S BE CLEAR, IN NO SHAPE OR FORM DID I SAY "HE" HAS TO ALWAYS PAY. A LOT OF Y'ALL CLAIM TO BE INDEPENDENT, SO FOOT THE BILL SOMETIMES. LET HIM KNOW HE'S APPRECIATED) Any hoo, another complaint is women seem ungrateful. So busy competing trying to "flex on instagram" and compete with the Joneses, she minimizes the gift(s). Isn't it the thought that counts? (Hopefully, he did put thought into it)

On the flip side, some women have never been romanced or given valuable tools about love, adoration and appreciation from their father's and other significant male influences while growing up or while dating. So, they're taking past hopes and disappointments and placing them all on their mates shoulders, metaphorically and are not communicating with their mate. If in fact, Valentine's Day is über important to you and you have certain expectations... relay that to him. I'm not saying be tacky and tape ads of what you want to his wallet, but be clear and honest. Isn't half the romance in seeing how well he knows you?

Now let me backtrack for a moment, if you are indeed one of those guys that tries not to give a gift because you're cheap or emotionally retarded... GROW UP! Or have a seat and move out of the way for a man who is willing to care for that woman, the way she deserves... granted she deserves it. And with that said what are you getting your guy? SEX? <--- I personally find that ridiculous, most men find it hard to stay focused on one vagina as it is, but then you ration it a month or two before so it will be special on Valentine's Day? Maybe you're taking it a step further and... Well, that's between y'all. I'm just saying is it fair to expect such lavish gifts and you get him some edible panties to please you? Yeah that's a selfless gift (SARCASM)! Or remind him that you birth his kids and clean his house? He doesn't remind you when he's mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, washing the cars, paying the bills and dealing with your split personality 5-7 days out of a month.

As for me, I'll probably make some treats for my parents and nieces. Still single, so I'm not pressed about the holiday. Jewelry, shoes, candy and all of that is nice but I'd rather spend it with someone special. So until then I will probably get some Olive Garden to go and an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. Hell, I might eat the whole thing, judge me... I don't care! That cookie crunch in between that ice cream has to be what manna was like to the Israelites when they were in the wilderness the first couple of days!

Preferences

While chatting one day, my friend started joking about loathing the kind of guy he thinks I like and some other friends chimed in. I was laughing at first but was then offended. I feel like the spectrum of guys I have dated, looks wise, has not been limited to this one specific "prototype." They however begged to differ. So I asked my mom to weigh in and she agreed to an extent. I couldn't tell you where my attraction to guys that are light, bright and damn near white comes from buuuutttt hey, we all have preferences. I at least know that what I need may not come packaged the way I want and looks aren't everything.

Plus, some of you are judging right now but allow Idris Elba, Megan Good, Tatum Channing, Halle Berry, Laz Alonso, Lance Gross and countless others to flash across your television screen and your eyes glaze over with LUST!!!! So don't do me, honey!!

I said all of that to say this, dating is not limited to physical appearance. There's so much more to it and although my friends would love to see me happy and in love, I'm starting to think it may not be in the cards for me at all or within the next couple of years at least. I love that they want to help and encourage but nobody knows or understands me and my desires like I do. I trust them but I trust my intuition more and no, I'm not waiting on a certain type of guy to sweep me off my feet.

When it comes to relationships or friendships turning into them, I'm pretty black and white about it. There just simply is no gray area for me. I won't straddle a fence to appease you and I certainly am not in the business of playing games to keep and or make someone "fall" for me. In my head, dating and  things of the nature are simple but we enter them holding onto bitterness, pain, resentment, motives and countless other issues. Thus complicating the scenario of truly opening up and getting to know one another. You either "click" or you don't.

I think one of my biggest flaws is seeing things black and white. Consistency means the world to me. So when things change and I either don't understand or things simply don't feel right, I tend to back away from the situation, evaluate (which could be interpreted as over analyzing) and I shut down. It's also quite possible that I completely shut you out. Memories and emotional scars of things from the past have taught me to simply stop when it doesn't feel right! Don't get the wrong idea... I am in no way saying "Hey, you are going to pay for what so-n-so did," but I believe it would be foolish of me to not take into consideration prior mistakes made and lessons learned.

Looks are great but if your personality is whack and your heart is ugly, looks won't make up for what you are lacking. If you text messaged and called all the time in the beginning, you can't flip the script and no longer communicate. If you start to get to know someone and they're not what you're looking for, say that, honesty goes a long way. It may hurt their feelings but allowing someone to be on a different page than you may hurt even worse. If you're dating several people, say that. You can't assume someone feels the way you do or can read your mind.

We're all humans. We all make mistakes. We all misjudge people and situations from time to time but that's life. What doesn't kill me, will indeed make me stronger. I might shed some tears, feel like punching someone, pray incessantly or give up sometimes but I always pull through with a lesson of some sort.

So, stop lashing out at people because they have preferences. Life has a way of making you change your mind or giving you a new perspective to adjust your way of thinking and preferences! Our taste are different, not better or wrong... DIFFERENT!

Negativity

Saturday was my birthday and to say I had a blast would be an understatement. Got a couple of bruises, broke nails, scraped knees and pictures that speak a thousand words but even in the midst of such great times negativity reared it's head.

My cake from my friend, lol!

“Negativity is totally unnatural. It is a psychic pollutant, and there is a deep link between the poisoning and destruction of nature and the vast negativity that has accumulated in the collective human psyche. No other life-form on the planet knows negativity, only humans, just as no other life-form violates and poisons the Earth that sustains it. Have you ever seen an unhappy flower or a stressed oak tree? Have you some across a depressed dolphin, a frog that has a problem with self-esteem, a cat that cannot relax, or a bird that carries hatred and resentment? The only animals that may occasionally experience something akin to negativity or show signs of neurotic behavior are those that live in close contact with humans and so link into the humans mind and its insanity.” 

― Eckhart Tolle

While out to lunch yesterday, someone I look up to like a big Sister said "the true testament to a friendship, especially where females are concerned, is how you react when you two grow apart or take different paths in life or experience a rift. If you find it easy to rain on my parade when you do talk to me or tell anyone who will listen negative things/secrets about me, we were never friends." Sad to have to find out that way but there's a lot of truth in what she said. 

You have to use your discernment. It will never fail you! Initially When things for me started to change I felt sad but then I learned of secret feelings, private thoughts shared and plans to bring pain and harm to me, whether it be emotionally, mentally or physically I became disturbed! For me it was a sincere moment of clarity. I had been feeling like a tornado came into my life and tossed everything about me and my world in the air. The more I grasped for what I thought belonged to me and added normalcy,  the more things seemed to stay in the air swirling around my head, metaphorically speaking. 

As life would have it all pieces held captured by that tornado are and have been falling into place. Some of those items and people went away with the storm and I am thankful! I'm in a great space right now and the insane thing about is, I could've done away with those things and people a long time ago had I listened to my gut instinct. Not really sure why I thought I could go against the inevitable or that I could make things better "If I _______." <Fill in the blank with countless verbs! 

It takes too much energy to be and stay mad at someone. Grudges aren't healthy! Life truly is short! When I say "I love you," I mean it! Doesn't matter if we're friends, family or intimately friends and to a certain extent/fault, maybe I love too hard.

"Misery loves company" is one of the truest statements ever said. The problem with miserable people is that they can't seem to grasp the concept that the problem lies within them. It's not anyone else fault that you are unhappy but your own! You lying on someone, tearing other people down and doing devious acts will not soothe whatever is festering inside of you. You can only wrong people or be negative for so long before you find yourself alone. 

I love my support system. Aside from keeping me doubled over laughing, they are honest when need be, challenge and pray with/for me! No relationship is ever perfect but I am thankful for them. Can't worry about those people who are no longer a part of my life. I wish no harm on them but understand their seasons in my life are over and they cannot move forward with me in my life's journey. Nor will there be room for them somewhere down the road. 

Tricks or Truth?

There are countless movies where a person listens to their friends coerce them into playing jedi mind tricks to get the girl/guy of their dreams. How to manipulate the scenario in your favor and how to react when things don't go according to plan. Why do we lie to ourselves and our friends?

Here's a thought, if God wanted you to know how the opposite sex works, wouldn't he have made you a man instead of a woman and vice versa? And if you have so much advice to give, why are you single or unhappily in a relationship? Why are you so bored that you are taking up so much of your time to thrust me into a relationship? Hear me out though, if you genuinely want to see me happy and know that I'll be a great compliment to someone's life... I appreciate it but I am not a charity case, my time simply has not come.

To watch these type of scenarios play out in a movie are hilarious but when people try out these ideas in real life, shit truly gets real!!! Don't keep watching these movies like Two Can Play This Game or Sex In The City and believe that you can trick someone into falling in love with you and or have your "happily ever after" following you causing a person to block your number, go the other way when they see you or pushing them so far you push them into someone else's grasp!

Something that seems to be lacking these days is the TRUTH. If you don't like something speak up! If you don't feel a connection, go with your gut feeling and for the love of everything breathing, STOP using people for what they have to compensate for them not being THE ideal person or for YOUR previous history with someone else that has you walking around like Bitter Betty/Moody Marvin.

Lack of truth is why we have thousands of men wearing sagging magnums and injuring women during foreplay because the women prior didn't honestly tell you that your performance was horrible (with tact) but it could also be your ego (that's a different blog). Lack of truth and pride in one's self has both sexes out here lying about who they are and what they have. Lack of truth is causing women to walk outside dressed like a video model and she's built like a queen size mattress. (direct yourself to youtube and watch ICES BROWN)

Not all advice is bad though. I think it is important to have friends or family members of the opposite sex around you to help you decipher when someone is not genuine. We as women pick up on things you men don't see and know and vice versa. I am not saying their vote trumps your feelings and thoughts about that person but at least listen and digest what those who love you are saying.

Some things aren't gray they are truly black and white. As much as friends and family can help, they can do harm as well. Your relationship should not be an open topic each and every time something is going on. Brag too much and you'll find someone drifting into your life with that green eyed monster known as jealousy. Complain too much and you'll find your friends and family sick of y'all and acting really funky towards your significant other.

I think everyone deserves to find true happiness and that definition of happiness is not confined to a relationship. However, I think it's important to always be honest. No one guy can speak for EVERY guy and the same applies to women. Just remember, all things done in the dark come to the light!

I'll take life for 300, Alex!!

I'm open to trying new things.. scuba diving, skydiving, snorkeling, parasailing, streaking (well, that's not exactly new just haven't done it in a while). However, I just cannot fathom internet dating. To me the options are like choosing life or death.

I know you're reading this and laughing like, "Keturah, you are so dramatic," and I hear you but listen do y'all remember the Craiglist Killer??? I do. Clearly people who have been dating, friends with, married to and so forth for years are being blatantly lied to everyday. So what do you think some creep behind a computer is concocting? 

People who have been in long-term relationships are being emotionally and physically ripped to shred EVERYDAY. Just so we are clear EVERYDAY includes MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY and SATURDAY!!!! People announcing that they are gay after 20 years of marriage and 5 kids. People deciding they want something new and exciting, faking their death and those that are sick of "YOU" and chop you up into pieces and dispose of the body, or put arsenic in your food or set the house on fire with you in it.... As you can see, I could go on for days!!!!

Again, you are sarcastically reading this swearing that I am letting my imagination go wild but refer to Snapped, I survived, Law & Order (ALL OF THE VARIOUS SPIN-OFFS), CSI and all of the news specials that come on E True Hollywood, 20/20, dateline and so forth. Are you still laughing and thinking I'm being over the top? Where do you think they got these stories from? Nobody's imagination is that great... they are based on true stories. 

I said all of that to say this, I can't sit behind a computer and try to find love like it's a full-time job. Trying to manage a profile, sifting through images, likes and whatever else you have to do. Nor am I about to have my mother yelling and crying in the graveyard like Mylin when Sheby died because I got intertwined with the modern day Jack the Ripper, donkey punched in the back of the head and drug to my end. Nope!

 

On top of that some of these sites want you to pay. (Blink Blink) TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLARS a year to find love? Do you know what I can do with $250? I'll tell you!

• Get a pedicure
• Throw an old school style party
• Tithe
• Buy shoes
• Get more shoes
• Did I say shoes?
• Clothes
• Accessories
• Do a project off of Pinterest
• Take my brother's and friend's kids somewhere
• Take a small getaway
• Food and LOTS of it

But $250 for dating... NAW! In fact HELL TO THE NAW!

 

To each his own, y'all can have that! In my best Jeopardy contestant voice, "I'll take LIFE for $300, Alex."

Mean Girl Syndrome

As some of you know, I attended and graduated from the University of Kentucky and this weekend was HOMECOMING!!!!! To say I had fun was an understatement but enlightening as well, which is hard to fathom with copious amounts of liquor paired with the absolute minimal amounts of sleep that were incorporated but I learned quite a bit.

I often hear people say "smile" when they see me. I consciously am not trying to scowl, frown or look indifferent but just have so much on my mind. At any given moment I could be thinking about make up, my nieces and nephews, shoes, religion, family, nail polish, traveling, birth, funny moments from the past, my future and so much more. I promise I don't mean to come off as a "bitch" and intimidate anyone, truly not my intentions at all.

<most see this 

                   instead of this >

To know me is to know for the most part I am goofy, outlandish, very skeptical and outspoken but if you don't get past the initial "Hi, I'm Keturah. People call me Tu. Nice to meet you. Yada, yada, yada," you wouldn't exactly know that. A friend suggested that I have a great demeanor and personality but my body language suggest that I don't want to be bothered, don't speak to me or stay away. <--- ouch, no one has ever put it that way.

Fast Forward a couple of hours later and I show up for my cousin's birthday party. Upon arriving I know everyone but 2 people. Those 2 people remain quiet, while I address everyone else and immediately begin joking with everyone. As we sit down for dinner, I tell my friends about the body language and they immediately all agree. <--- ouch again but sometimes the truth hurts. The guy across from me tells me he was a little nervous to speak to me. My attitude when I walked in read "I'm the shit and I know it, don't bother me." <--- Geesh, salt in the wound!

I can't pinpoint when exactly I started to give off that type of attitude. I do know that around people I do not know and walking into situations that feel unknown, I become shy. I have relayed that to people and they all crack up laughing like I said something funny. (BLANK STARE) I think somewhere along the lines, my being confident crossed the lines of coming off as a mean girl. I won't sit here and bs y'all though, I certainly do have a mean streak. It takes A LOT to take me there and verbally slice you to shreds but I'm not always exhibiting that part of me (well at least I didn't think I was).

Contrary to popular beliefs, I do get shy people and sometimes I feel like being quiet. I'm not always on 10 and I'm not your personal entertainment. If I could punch people every time they said "do blah blah blah. Impersonate so-n-so. Do that dance" I would.

Never too old to grow and learn.....

So, I guess I will try to live more in the present instead of allowing my thoughts to catapult me into the future what ifs and be more friendly and open. Don't misinterpret, SHE (yes, the third person) is still fabulous, smart aleck, animated and hilarious but if I'm not open and cordial upon first meeting people how will they know.