Why are you single?

Being 29 and single with no children, I often hear "Why are you single?" Whether it be an old classmate or teacher, friends of my parents, family members or guys that I'm out on a date with. In the past my answer was always "He hasn't presented himself. So I've just been doing me." Is it truthful, yes but it is also taking responsibility off of me and putting it on whomever my future guy may be. Started doing some soul searching and asking my friends what they think.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your friends are like mirrors to a certain extent and this is why you should only have people around you who always have your best interest at heart, will always be honest with you but won't sugarcoat anything. This is what I was told:

• I will be my biggest obstacle in a relationship because I am used to being me, by myself and not worrying about anyone else's feelings, thoughts or time. 
• My mate will have to be 100% transparent or I will leave because I have a tendency to over think.
• I've been groomed for a husband, not just a "dude." I have substance. (He may be older) 
• Can't focus on what ifs, especially negative ones because he'll want what u want, God made him to compliment you and vice versa. 

First thought was how much older??? Old men give you worms, so I was told. LOL! 

Okay, all jokes aside I would have to say I agree. I have become accustomed to me, myself and I. If I don't want to be bothered I turn off my phone. If there's something I don't want to do, I stay in and chill. If I am out and people are on my nerves, I leave! (Shrug) Learning to incorporate someone in my world will be like moving a mountain. (Y'all pray for whoever he may be) 

I've been there and done that with the "Great girlfriend" routine of cooking, cleaning, making sure you're comfortable, staying sexy and yada yada. However, I have to realize I did those things for guys who did not deserve it. Playing "wifey" to a boyfriend, when my intuition told me to not to was my fault and not my future partner's issue. Giving my all to not see that in return is probably a huge reason why I have stayed single for so long. I also have an understanding that it's okay to remember the times that things did not pan out and how it made me feel. They were lessons that happened for a reason, but in no shape or form should they be baggage for the next person. I've also said before that things are usually black and white for me. Yes, I have the capability to step outside of myself and see things from other's perspectives, but when things don't feel right... I'm out. I'm sure that behavior is viewed as bad and non-communicative because it looks as if I'm running away, but God gave us intuition for a reason. I trust mine wholeheartedly but have to learn to not over think so much and be in the moment. 

The grooming part is definitely true. Some of my ways are definitely old school but in my opinion, the right way. My mom cooked breakfast every morning. We rarely had leftovers because she cooked almost everyday. Pray before every meal. I was taught to fix the men and the guest's plates before I fix my own. What happens in my bedroom, is no one else's business. Being appreciative, supportive.... I could go on and on. Don't misinterpret, my mom never specifically said "Do this, this, this and that to be a great wife." I just paid attention to their interactions over the course of my 29 years. They've been married for 38 years, so some of that must be valid! 

Hand in hand with the grooming are my expectations. I won't ever be a doormat, again for anyone. Nor will I be this amazing girlfriend and while you just want to lay up. Showing me you care and appreciate me is vital. Quality time is not just chilling on the couch. You have to do what you did to get me, to keep me! If you actually listen, I like a lot of things and want to try a lot of things. It's truly the small things that matter. As for the what ifs, it's only normal but why ponder about things that have not come to fruition. I need to allow things to happen and deal with them when the time comes. I clearly am not in charge of that aspect of my life so I can't do anything but learn to let go! 

So, I guess my answer to the afore mentioned question has definitely changed. I can now say "I, Keturah am single because I won't accept less than I'm worth. To date I haven't met anyone whom I have been greatly compatible with and or felt like I could trust myself (heart, mind, pain, faith, dreams and soul) with or anyone who has been willing to be truly transparent with me and I'm okay with that because I'd rather be truly happy than just saying I'm in a relationship but I won't lie a portion of me is scared to truly open up." 

Broken Glass

Let's use a clear glass from your cupboard as the example. If that glass was to accidentally fall and break you may or may not be able to salvage it. It's highly likely you won't be able to though. You can in fact glue back the bigger pieces but it will never be the same. Here are the reasons why:

1. It's humanly impossible to gather every single piece and shard and glue them back in exactly the manner the glass was before the accident. 
2. Even when glued back together you run the risk of losing the contents in the glass through a leak.
3. The glass could come apart again, creating a bigger mess if it contained a liquid.
4. You could get cut on an unforeseen sharp edge. 
5. Just looking at it, it looks totally different because of the dried glue. 
6. You have to be extra careful when washing it. 
7. It's simply not worth it and just needs to be discarded.

Now let's replace that glass with friendships and relationships. In life sometimes our bonds with people are shattered just like that glass. Sometimes we instantly go to pull out the metaphorical glue of resolve which could be acknowledgement or an apology or space. Even when "glued" back together can things ever be the same? Positively or negatively?

I find that people although they say they forgive you or you forgive them but tend to hold onto the feelings they had that either led to the breakdown or surfaced during that broken moment. Only to come back together and forever hold onto it and let it cut them like a wayward piece of glass until they feel like cutting you. Thus creating a totally different issue.

In the amount of time that you left the friendship or relationship idle you changed.... Hopefully, you did for the better! This incident now has you posing all types of questions about that person, your bond, your moments shared and the list can go on. In no way shape or form am I saying when you forgive, you should forget but you never want to be in that position again because it means you didn't learn the lesson. Outside of God, the master is sometimes also the student. You're never to wise to stop learning.

I am not a fan of metaphorical "shards" of life. The tiny pieces and slivers of glass that remain long after the glass has either been repaired or replaced. Those reminders that pierce you and catch you off guard. As blasé as I can be.... I surely have hot buttons, sensitive issues and feelings. As durable as that glass can be, it can surely can be broken. I'll definitely apologize when I know I have been wrong but I won't stand to be constantly ridiculed or made to feel less by someone else's standards or constantly reminded of something from my past.

Life and death surely lie in the tongue. What are you saying with your mouth that could be tearing someone else down? What are you repeating that could add strife to someones life? What are you subconsciously holding onto and lashing out at others about? Do you even recognize you're doing it? Are you even taking it out on the correct person?

At almost 30 I'm still learning that you can love someone with your whole heart and still hurt them or be hurt by them but when do you truly know it's time to try and stop repairing? Life is truly short.

You say he just a friend?

Science tells us that we are all uniquely composed of genetics and traits. No two people are exactly alike. This can also be said about friendships. Even if I am the common denominator between 2 separate friendships, neither relationship will be identical because what brought us together as friends will be completely different when it comes to experiences, ups/downs, memories and interactions.

 

Some of my closest friends are guys! I love them and don't play about them! God truly blessed me by allowing Andre and Ramone to be 2 huge parts of my life. I discuss EVERYTHING with them, even stuff they probably wish I'd keep to myself, lol! Time and time again, they have provided solace, laughter and advice. I appreciate my relationships with my girlfriends but NOBODY gets me like they do. Even when we are joking or they are getting on my nerves, I never have to question our friendship or their motives.

Ray

Dre & Jimmy

 

 With that being said, our friendships are platonic. We didn't come from the same womb but I love Dre, Ray, Jimmy and Jeff like brothers. Nothing more and nothing less. Are my friends handsome.... Yep! Should I be dating any of them.... Nope! Do we at times act inappropriately according to the standards of others... Yep! For some reason, people don't seem to understand that and I have to hear the following:

• Must be something wrong with you.
• Are you sure they aren't gay?
• Men and women can't truly be that close and not having or have had sex.
• Don't no man want a woman with all those guys around.
• You are forever out and partying with them. 
• You can't be friends with them once you get married. 
• I have guy friends but we never do the things y'all do. 
• Y'alls relationship seems inappropriate from the pics on fb and instagram. 

To all of the above concerns and questions, I have this to say... Maybe you can't be trusted to have male friends and would have sex with them but don't project what you would do onto me. Most of the people with something to say are married and for people who claim to not know whether to wind their butts or scratch their watches because managing a household is so hard but blissful, stop highlighting the fact that I am single. A part of me believes some wish they could trade with me and have their freedom back.

 

It's amazes me that when it comes to my life everyone is an expert. I tell people all the time, you being married or having children doesn't make you an expert. Maybe in your life it does because they're your husband/wife and they are your children but I'm good over here.

 

Today, I was venting to Ray and Dre and they told me "When it comes to love, sometimes you have to sacrifice friends. Not saying no longer be friends, but the amount of time spent and availability will change. Real friends aren't threatened or critical of that if they want to see u happy. When u find THE ONE, we'll gain a brother, WE aint goin no where!!!" <---- Gotta love them!! And anytime I tell my parents that I met someone, they ask "Have Dre and the rest met him?"

 

 

Some of my cousins

 

I come from a huge family and although their were plenty of females, I was usually with my brother, our male cousins and their friends. So the dynamic of being around guys or being close to them isn't one that perplexes me. In fact, women who I have let in and become close with have been some of the most destructive people in my life but that's a different blog. 

 

Jeff

The main reason I can't wait to meet the one is so everyone can SHUT UP.... put their top lip to their bottom lip, zip it, close their mouths.... GEESH! When I know, I'll let everyone else know. Until then I'm going to follow Ray's advice "Party your ass off. Travel your ass off. Take chances. Do it all. Enjoy it." Tomorrow isn't promised and I intend to live a full life and not have regrets about things I should have done! 

 

So the next time you're about to criticize my friendships think about all of the things people judge you about and how much it gets on your nerves! I'm sure people have opinions on your style, hair, children, parenting skills, marriage and the list can go on! 

 

Seeing me NAKED

Being almost 30 and single I hear this question a lot, "So, why are you single?" and if I could take a sock and fill it with nickels..... I would smack the person asking the question but I would probably be facing quite a few assault charges. To say the least, I loathe that question. I'm not saying it's not a valid question but it's how some people ask that bothers me. I get the feeling that they really want to say "girl, what have you been doing to mess up and end up lonely! You're not getting any younger."

I tell my friends over and over and over and over and over.... I will know when I know. My gut, heart and mind will let me know when I've met someone that has great potential or is my "HIM" but I have to be totally honest that question about being single is a very valid one, so I will express why I think I am single.

If you've read other entries in my blog or know me personally you would know that I have endured a sexual assault. I don't use that as a shield to shut men out but as time has gone on it has posed some questions about sexuality and dating for me and made me think. We live in a society where sex sells, hell, sex is everywhere! It's apart of scandals in religion, movies, television, radio, school and anywhere else you can think of. The thing I don't get is if I decide to embrace everything that makes me a woman and exude confidence or sexiness I am being too flirty/mouthy/liberated, a slut or lacking virtue but if I dress like a nun and am as quiet as a church mouse, I am a prude. Don't be misconstrued by my example I am talking about more than just dressing and the body.

In my opinion, I won't always have this body. I'm not built like a Victoria Secret runway model. I could definitely do some toning but I can still put on a 2-piece and hold my own. So what's wrong with embracing fashion trends and wanting to dress in a manner that makes me feel sexy? Sexiness is not limited to just the body. As cliche as it sounds I am not my hair, shoes or clothes. And one day gravity will surely set in!

I believe I am single because guys approach me and say they think I'm beautiful/cute, I'm "rocking that dress" or they heard me joking with so-n-so and thought I was funny annnnnddddd..... that's fine but then what? We automatically should start sexting? Talking about sex? Having sex? And if I'm not automatically going there or letting you know that it's coming soon, you lose interest? (BLANK STARE)

What I have learned about myself is if I am not stimulated mentally, I'm turned off! PERIOD! Talking about your penis, does nothing for me. You were born with a Y chromosome, so you should have a penis. And, while you believe you should be known as the 8th wonder of the world, I've already checked out mentally and started thinking of better things to do. Being confident is great but I'm not a fan of cockiness. I just wonder where all of the true gentlemen are? Why can't people our age hold genuine conversations on the phone and in person? Why can't people truly go out and try to get to know one another? Why do you think it's appropriate to call at all hours of the night or want to invite yourself over?

I want someone who knows I have flaws, insecurities, I'm skeptical about so many things, I don't easily trust, I don't like bugs, I occasionally burp (hehehe), I love food, some days I don't feel like talking or being bothered, I can be moody (especially when I'm hungry), I'm über goofy, I love hard, I can be loud (who gone check me?) and a lot of other things but KNOW that I am worth it! I want someone that taps into my mind/soul and connects with me.

I can't put this solely on the opposite sex, I hear quite often and have blogged previously about my body language and how I understand that it could come off as a huge "F___ OFF! DON'T TALK TO ME!" and I am working on that. Contrary to popular belief, I am not holding my breath for some fairy tale to happen. I understand that as imperfect beings, I will never find someone that will give me 100% of everything I could want and desire from a mate and vice versa.

Soooo.... the moral to this blog is shut up! Stop asking about my ring finger and vagina/uterus! It's not your business. Concern is great but most express it dripping with judgement and pity! You can keep that! All things happen in their due time! Might be tomorrow and could be years from now and I am okay with that!

Valentine's Day

I'm always amazed at how quickly all things Valentine related hit the shelf. We're barely done singing Christmas Carols and watching the ball drop for New Years. I'm even more amazed at the stuff I read on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

You've got women demanding gifts or threatening to withhold sex and or break up with their man. You've got men who like and or dating women seriously, taking a hiatus, to avoid Valentine's Day all together. Now, I have not been in a committed relationship in years but even then, I did not get the overwhelming hoopla about the day. *shrug* I've had roses, candy, dinner and promises of a special night (yawns) before. So, maybe I'm a tad bit jaded, but we JUST had Christmas!! I'm not judging, but you want a couple of hundred dollars worth of stuff to prove he loves you? And let's be completely honest here, Valentine's Day is not a man's holiday. Might be some extra "loving" that day, depending on what he gets her, but it was never designed with guys getting gifts in mind.

Talking to my guy friends, they don't like Valentine's Day for a couple of reasons. One, if you're dating and it's new, how do you determine how much is too much to get for her? You get something too thoughtful and expensive and she's ready to text all her friends about marriage! Two, if you are indeed dating, 9 times out of 10, you are already footing the bill for your dates because "hopefully" you're being chivalrous and courting her like a true gentlemen. (LET'S BE CLEAR, IN NO SHAPE OR FORM DID I SAY "HE" HAS TO ALWAYS PAY. A LOT OF Y'ALL CLAIM TO BE INDEPENDENT, SO FOOT THE BILL SOMETIMES. LET HIM KNOW HE'S APPRECIATED) Any hoo, another complaint is women seem ungrateful. So busy competing trying to "flex on instagram" and compete with the Joneses, she minimizes the gift(s). Isn't it the thought that counts? (Hopefully, he did put thought into it)

On the flip side, some women have never been romanced or given valuable tools about love, adoration and appreciation from their father's and other significant male influences while growing up or while dating. So, they're taking past hopes and disappointments and placing them all on their mates shoulders, metaphorically and are not communicating with their mate. If in fact, Valentine's Day is über important to you and you have certain expectations... relay that to him. I'm not saying be tacky and tape ads of what you want to his wallet, but be clear and honest. Isn't half the romance in seeing how well he knows you?

Now let me backtrack for a moment, if you are indeed one of those guys that tries not to give a gift because you're cheap or emotionally retarded... GROW UP! Or have a seat and move out of the way for a man who is willing to care for that woman, the way she deserves... granted she deserves it. And with that said what are you getting your guy? SEX? <--- I personally find that ridiculous, most men find it hard to stay focused on one vagina as it is, but then you ration it a month or two before so it will be special on Valentine's Day? Maybe you're taking it a step further and... Well, that's between y'all. I'm just saying is it fair to expect such lavish gifts and you get him some edible panties to please you? Yeah that's a selfless gift (SARCASM)! Or remind him that you birth his kids and clean his house? He doesn't remind you when he's mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, washing the cars, paying the bills and dealing with your split personality 5-7 days out of a month.

As for me, I'll probably make some treats for my parents and nieces. Still single, so I'm not pressed about the holiday. Jewelry, shoes, candy and all of that is nice but I'd rather spend it with someone special. So until then I will probably get some Olive Garden to go and an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. Hell, I might eat the whole thing, judge me... I don't care! That cookie crunch in between that ice cream has to be what manna was like to the Israelites when they were in the wilderness the first couple of days!

Preferences

While chatting one day, my friend started joking about loathing the kind of guy he thinks I like and some other friends chimed in. I was laughing at first but was then offended. I feel like the spectrum of guys I have dated, looks wise, has not been limited to this one specific "prototype." They however begged to differ. So I asked my mom to weigh in and she agreed to an extent. I couldn't tell you where my attraction to guys that are light, bright and damn near white comes from buuuutttt hey, we all have preferences. I at least know that what I need may not come packaged the way I want and looks aren't everything.

Plus, some of you are judging right now but allow Idris Elba, Megan Good, Tatum Channing, Halle Berry, Laz Alonso, Lance Gross and countless others to flash across your television screen and your eyes glaze over with LUST!!!! So don't do me, honey!!

I said all of that to say this, dating is not limited to physical appearance. There's so much more to it and although my friends would love to see me happy and in love, I'm starting to think it may not be in the cards for me at all or within the next couple of years at least. I love that they want to help and encourage but nobody knows or understands me and my desires like I do. I trust them but I trust my intuition more and no, I'm not waiting on a certain type of guy to sweep me off my feet.

When it comes to relationships or friendships turning into them, I'm pretty black and white about it. There just simply is no gray area for me. I won't straddle a fence to appease you and I certainly am not in the business of playing games to keep and or make someone "fall" for me. In my head, dating and  things of the nature are simple but we enter them holding onto bitterness, pain, resentment, motives and countless other issues. Thus complicating the scenario of truly opening up and getting to know one another. You either "click" or you don't.

I think one of my biggest flaws is seeing things black and white. Consistency means the world to me. So when things change and I either don't understand or things simply don't feel right, I tend to back away from the situation, evaluate (which could be interpreted as over analyzing) and I shut down. It's also quite possible that I completely shut you out. Memories and emotional scars of things from the past have taught me to simply stop when it doesn't feel right! Don't get the wrong idea... I am in no way saying "Hey, you are going to pay for what so-n-so did," but I believe it would be foolish of me to not take into consideration prior mistakes made and lessons learned.

Looks are great but if your personality is whack and your heart is ugly, looks won't make up for what you are lacking. If you text messaged and called all the time in the beginning, you can't flip the script and no longer communicate. If you start to get to know someone and they're not what you're looking for, say that, honesty goes a long way. It may hurt their feelings but allowing someone to be on a different page than you may hurt even worse. If you're dating several people, say that. You can't assume someone feels the way you do or can read your mind.

We're all humans. We all make mistakes. We all misjudge people and situations from time to time but that's life. What doesn't kill me, will indeed make me stronger. I might shed some tears, feel like punching someone, pray incessantly or give up sometimes but I always pull through with a lesson of some sort.

So, stop lashing out at people because they have preferences. Life has a way of making you change your mind or giving you a new perspective to adjust your way of thinking and preferences! Our taste are different, not better or wrong... DIFFERENT!