Sex is easy!

I know that even in writing this and thoroughly explaining how I feel, someone will still not get it and that is fine. On one of my previous blogs This isn't going to work… Deal Breakers!, I said I would address this topic of celibacy and abstinence and my choice to wait until marriage.

I lost my virginity in high school and if I could honestly do it over again, I would have waited. As a teenager, I don't believe I was emotionally equipped to handle sex. I felt a lot of pressure from my then friends, who had been giving it up for years (no shade) and claimed it was so fun and if I wanted to be mature and or keep my man, that is what it took. I also, did not feel comfortable to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. (We still have never talked about sex!) Besides the initial pain, I didn't have this big explosive finish, I had been hearing about and to date I still have never had a vaginal orgasm. (I know you're gasping)

As I went through college and my adult life post-college, I would go months and almost a year at a time without having sex. The actual act was fun to an extent. but the anticlimatic finish was getting old. Of course my friends had a million suggestions, but nothing worked. And with each relationship and experience, I felt a little tug on my heart... I generally ignored it.

I think the general assumption for my friends is I don't have sex, because of the sexual assault I endured and it may play a factor, but it's not the reason I have decided to abstain. After going to the doctor and telling him "my vagina was broke," he stifled laughter and assured me that it wasn't... I probably just hadn't met the right guy, which confused me even more.

Part of my confusion comes from understanding love! If I am to be 100% honest, I do not think I've ever truly been in love. I have loved boyfriends and lusted guys, but there is not one instance where I can comfortably say, "I loved them from my soul and felt that reciprocated." Even, with not truly being in love, I created soul ties with some people. It took me 29 years, to understand that God will try to close the door and or steer you away because he understands what lies ahead. He'll give you indications (that tug on the heart, I spoke of earlier), but we allow our flesh to render the decision.

The things I was clear about were 1) sex was easy, the actual act of having it. 2)with each partner, a soul tie could be created. 3)casual sex and even sex in a relationship, was simply not for me. I've been told this sounds idiotic, but my heart is tied to my vagina, not literally, but in a sense that whoever I'm destined to be with has to unlock it in a metaphorical sense, must truly be in tune with me... mind, body and soul!

I have tried several times to refrain from sex, but I allowed the way I felt carnally or a past soul tie, to interfere with that decision. Each time the guilt being stronger and stronger. We're in a society that promotes sex. It is literally everywhere! On tv, in movies, in music... everywhere! It's a topic that can carry heavy consequences, but is casually approached.

For me, it's simple now! God is not conditional! I cannot say I trust the Lord, but I have to have sex with ____ to know that God got my wishlist of what I want from a man, right. I get in my car, on a plane and walk across a street without testing the road, the car, the plane and so forth. If I truly trust the Lord, why is it that I do not have faith that he will supply all of my needs where a friend, boyfriend and husband are concerned? I'm not knocking anyone who had an active sex life before marriage, to each his own, but I know this is the correct decision for me. The examples attesting to abstinence before marriage, are fewer that those that decided to have sex, but I have met couples and come across stories where they waited and their stories are amazing.

It actually makes dating a tad bit easier. Most guys are not willing to wait and that is fine, (points to the left) "There is the exit!" What I have learned is that I cannot idolize marriage, I should enjoy being single and finding ways to get closer to God. I've also learned that whomever I decide to marry, will have had to make their own decision to abstain, for themselves. It's selfish to try and make a guy, who I want him to be and agree to go along with abstaining. The decision is not one that was placed on his heart for his own personal reasons. I've been single for almost 6 years. Does it get tough, yes, but I know one day, I will be sharing an amazing love story designed by God! On top of that, I have no "oops" moments or trips to the clinic! So again, sex is easy, but choosing to wait is hard... but worth it!

It Cost Me

I think I've touched on broken relationships/friendships before in a previous blog, but the subject has reappeared... as lessons tend to do when you have not passed the test yet! Where I stand in my life right now is certainly not where I want to be, but who I am in this moment makes me happy from the inside out. I am what you call a people person. According to my dad and friend, Tiya, I must have missed the lesson on "Stranger Danger," because I will strike up a conversation with anyone. It's just my nature, but what I noticed a while back is that there's a difference between being a people person and being a people PLEASER! It's not that I was verbally saying 'Hey, feel free to walk all over me," but my actions exuded something that made people think it was okay to do so.

Our generation is one that is fascinated with social media, but the problem with that is a lot of people are projecting an image of what they think will get them the most likes, retweets, comments and adoration/envy. The other issue with being so open on social media, is the entitlement people feel to judge you. Many people are not living the reality that they project on social media. Their marriages suck. They are unhappy with themselves. They are spending above their means. They are faking relationships/friendships to appear important, liked or loved. The list can certainly go on and on.

I've received much criticism about who I'm hanging with, what I do or don't do and have or don't have. I would take those "critiques" to my friends and they would listen and then give advice, but one day a friend said "Keturah, I love you, but I don't want to hear about what ____ has to say anymore. Why do you care? That person is miserable. Do what's best for you." LIGHT BULB MOMENT So I took some time to dissect my feelings and thoughts. The truth was I felt a bit vulnerable. I was surrounded by great people, but I was waiting for something to happen to show me that maybe I couldn't trust anyone or that based upon my past friendships, it wasn't possible to be understood and truly enjoy being in their company or allow myself to be seen bare.

Where friendship is concerned, I've honestly had a tough time with it. You see people say 10 years, 15 years, 20 years... My day 1's. So to in a sense, ending a lot of friendships and start over or scaling back, was crippling me from truly testing the waters and relying on my faith. People sometimes walk into your life and show you why and how past friendships were wrong for you. You have to realize that you will never be good enough in some people's eyes, but that's not your problem. You also have to get comfortable knowing when you walk away from people and or scale back, they will not take it well. Some will badmouth you and that's them being jealous or intimidated and trying to make you less appealing to others or them convincing themselves they don't care, want or need you.

What I've found in my circle of friends, that I call "my forevers" is amazing. We laugh together, joke around, cry, fight, support and most of all LOVE one another. I talk to them EVERY DAY, multiple times a day. Our parents love all of us! We come as a package deal, we'll respect your relationship, but you get all of us with the person you are dating! Just when I felt like I was going to break, God sent them to me.

So, yes... you may see my pics and post and think we spend a lot of time together or party a lot but what you don't see are the tears I cried. The times I wanted to die. The soul ties I thought I would never break. The process it took to have me firmly planted and proud now. The times I settled for less. The times I stayed, when it hurt. The things I held on to, that did not deserve to occupy space in my head and or room in my heart. It cost me a lot to get here. I had to pray a lot. I had to learn to give up old thoughts, old habits, friends turned faux and so much more. God is still creating new things in me and replenishing me where I felt depleted.

I love all of my friends, but some people have to be loved from a distance. I can't be everywhere and do everything everyone would like me to do. Your reality is not mine, because my life and decisions belong to me!

Ok... Where's Ashton? I'm being punked right?!

The topics my friends and I have chose lately have been serious, so we decided to be light and funny today. The topic at hand is "Worst Date Ever" and although I can laugh now, it was NOT funny then! (Hope he never sees this!!!) Out of respect for him, I'll refer to him as "LARRY".

So in 2012, I was working at a bank. There was a gentleman who came in from time to time, to handle the deposits of the store he managed. We both attended UK together, but had never had a conversation. I had heard things about Larry from mutual friends, but nothing too bad. He eventually added me on fb and struck up a conversation. We eventually exchanged numbers and had several text convos. During one about preferences, we bumped heads about him calling the mother of his child a bitch and my not wanting to date a guy with children or someone who excessively drinks/smokes. He apologized for the derogatory word and we continued our conversation. HE decided to meet me in a club on 4th street. Let me put this disclaimer out though: I was hosting a free party I received and he decided that would be a good time for him to come and have our first date. I thought it would be ALL women and had invited my friend to bring her books/products for an impromptu fantasy party.

He arrives first, got me a drink and we're having lite conversation. After a while, my friends trickle in and we move to the back table. The two of us order and receive our food first. He declines to eat until all of the ladies receive their food (kudos) and then sh*t started going down the drain. He then asked about cock rings. Y'all I just about chocked on my food. Noticing my horror, he explains that his doctor suggested he get one. In college he could go all night and now he's got about 2 minutes in him. My friend proceeds to show him products and talk about them, but I have mentally checked out. My friend, Dre text me and ask if it's okay to come by and I tell him "YES," while silently thanking 8 pound baby Jesus, swaddled in a manager.

Dre then shows up and speaks to everyone. I introduce him to "my date" and Larry's disposition immediately changes! We're all laughing, joking and sharing food. About 10 minutes had gone by and I realized Larry had been gone to get his 5th drink way too long. I got to go to the bathroom and when I came out he was standing in a corner behind a door looking like a runaway refugee. He grabs me and hugs me really, really tight and proceeds to tell me he got up because Dre is light skin and he doesn't get along with light skin guys. I removed myself from his embrace and balked at his words. I started to walk away, but turned around. I don't remember the specific words, but I let him know Dre was one of my best friends and he wasn't going away. Deal with it or leave me alone. (Secretly I was hoping for the latter and looking for Ashton Kutcher at this point)

Dinner ended and we decided to move the party to Prime. After the exchange of words in the corridor and him paying his bill before leaving, I was certain that was the last I would hear from him... NOPE!!

He shows up at Prime and offers to buy me a drink. I decline and frown at the fact that he is still drinking and will later drive!! He notices my displeased look and announces that he has to PISS! (Ashton, you can come out now). I proceed to the front  of the club and start having a convo with the party promoter, Danny and my friend Jamise. Larry returns from the bathroom with ANOTHER drink, SMH! He speaks to Jamise (they went to high school together) and then turns his attention to me and begins the following tirade...

"You know what your problem is? You not use to a real n*gga. Yeah. (chuckles and nods while spilling the contents of his drink) Real n*ggas got kids! Real n*ggas drink! Real n*ggas smoke! Real n*ggas get loud. Real n*ggas can do what the f__k they want. Like tonight, Imma stay out til about 5 o'clock in the morning and then get up and go to work. You know why? Cause I'm a real n*gga."

 

With each word he got increasingly louder and animated. Jamise got up to intervene but Danny put his hand on her shoulder to make her sit down. Security moved in between us looking at him, but asking if I was okay. I nodded and Danny scooted me closer towards him and Jamise. I wasn't scared or mad, just shocked. He backed up a few steps, while trying to explain that I was stuck up and needed to be schooled but security instructed him to refrain from talking to me. He finally walked away. One of the guards watched me get in my car and I went home. I called my homegirl to relay the story, we laughed but I was in disbelief still.

 

The next day, he asked me to go out. I almost threw my phone. WHAT?! Are you insane? I politely declined and informed him that his behavior was unacceptable. If I saw him out I would speak but further communication was pointless. He said OK, but 9 hours later he sent me a barrage of text messages about him being a "G" and he couldn't believe I had turned him down. (Blank Stare) I didn't respond.



Looking back, I should have diswayed him from coming to 4th street at all, but in a sense, I am glad it happened in front of other people. It took a whole year before I went on another date.

My guys!

Today's subject is about "best friends," if you've read some of my blogs, you've heard me talk about Ray and Dre. If not refer to my previous post You Say He's Just a Friend. I don't throw the term "Best Friend" around loosely. To me, that term is reserved for my husband, wherever he may be... but these 2 are the closest friends out of all of my friends. I'm not downplaying my relationship with any of my other friends but these two are truly special to me.





Honorable mention to Jimmy--> and Jeff! (smooches) <--- My brothers!!!!

The Mestie

I met Ray when I was 17 at O'malley's hanging out with mutual friends. I wouldn't say we dated but we hung out a couple of times and then lost contact. I would see him over the years and we would say "hi" and keep it moving. Fast forward to September of 2009, there was a discussion of hanging out that night on somebody's status on fb. So a group of us went out to eat and the sexual assault I endured was brought up. I relayed the story and we all discussed and then went to the pie kitchen for dessert. Afterwards, we went to our friend's house to watch movies. She tapped out and we were up until 3 or 4 in the morning catching up, joking and laughing. The thing about Ray was I felt 100% comfortable to be around him and talk to him, not in a dating sense but in a I truly want to know you type of way.

Ray and I at Dre's 30th Birthday Party!

During this time I barely slept. I didn't speak on the subject much as my feelings were concerned but I was crushed and honestly depressed. For about 2 weeks I did nothing but cry. Ray on 2 occasions sat on the phone with me until 6-7am just listening or trying to make me laugh. My trust level for people was at an all-time low. Somewhere in there, I became a bit clingy. Again, it wasn't because I wanted him but because I didn't want to open up to anyone else. He was firm in telling me that he couldn't always be my crutch and I had to find a way to be "Keturah" again. Ray was consistent and funny, I truly believe his timing in re-entering my life was perfect. Ray, may not say much but he always pays attention. I love Ray's relationship with his son and respect him as a father! I'm not sure I ever told him, but just being himself, he helped to restore my trust, thoughts on friendship and stirred me away from having a bitter mentality and I love him for that. Ray, my Mestie (Male Bestie, he hates the term)!

Ray and his son, Keno.

Dre Day

Dre and I met on fb through a status of someone, neither of us associate with anymore. I tend to boss people around and Dre was no exception! In the beginning, I think he went with my bossiness so that he could gauge me. He pound for pound gets me! I'm never misunderstood when it comes to him. He's not afraid to tell me NO. Is a protector and will call out the dude I'm dating if the guys acts anything less than a gentleman. When my world was upside down, he knew right away, by just looking at me. At that moment, he didn't push the issue and ask questions. He hugged me and gave me space. I honestly was so fragile in that moment that I would have probably lost it and broke down. When I was ready to talk, he listened and offered up words straight from his heart and prayed for and with me. 

Dre and at the winery!

With him and (Ray) it's simple! They allow me to be ME! When Dre is sad, I feel his pain. When I get too bossy, he counters me. When I make up a song or sing the wrong words, he's goes right along with me and or produces the beat. When I wanted to put paws on some chicks, he held my stuff! ~* God is not through with me yet!!!! *~ He's the Thomas J to my Vada. The Rob to my Khloe and the Bam Bam to my pebbles! My parents love him like he is their own and I love his family. I can't wait to see him interact with my future husband and I with his wife. 

Dre and I at my 30th Birthday Party! 

Dre & Ray

They are the people I tell everything to. I have showed them all sides of me. The good, bad and ugly and they are still around. They are the people who will tell me when I'm wrong and why. They get all of my jokes! When I am unsure of something, I run it by them. They allow me to annoy the mess out of them and still love me. They have NEVER questioned our relationships/motives and I have never felt a reason to do the same with them. They are surrogate kids to my parents. They challenge me to be better. They'll be in my wedding, if it's stateside and at my wedding if I do a destination wedding (No objections, Ramone). They will be my kid's Uncles and I could go on and on about them. I 89% trust them with my life, lol! We have had some GREAT times over the past couple of years, butted heads in some areas but I wouldn't trade them for anything! I would seriously battle for and over them!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

Being that we are 3 dimensional beings, it's amazing that people try to put you in a box according to what they think of you or have heard. I'm guilty as well, there are people that make me inwardly groan with disgust when I see or hear about them. We've been taught catch phrases and we sing songs about people, their thoughts and what they can do with them, but all of us would be lying to ourselves if we said the opinions of others don't matter.

The most frustrating thing in the world is being misunderstood! It boils my buns! A lot of times I hear the opinions of other (repeatedly sometimes) and I may smile or laugh at the moment, but inside my head I have imagined you getting hit by a bus or me kicking you in the face…. hard! Jet Li style!

So you're thinking, "what have people said about you"....

I'm stuck up...
I'm loud...
I'm ghetto...
I'm spoiled...
I'm a bitch...
I'm hood...
I'm fake…
I have too many friends...
I'm judgemental...
I'll never get married...
I'm broke...
I'm cute but (insert a shady back-handed compliment)...
I'm shady...
I know too much about others...
I'm rude...
My jokes are too crass...
Attention Seeking...
AND ON & ON

(Insert loud audible sigh and a chuckle) I quite possibly am some of those things but why do YOU feel the need to point them out? What is it about me, that makes you feel the need to belittle me or express your negativity.... are you bored or insecure? Quite possibly mad? (oooh... The shade is real! Lol!)

Listen, I am passionate and I do tend to go hard, revert back to 23rd & Chestnut and can get loud when I'm excited, lied on or mistreated! (Yes, I do have a horrible habit of popping my mouth.) Not saying it's right but, I am making a conscious effort to pause before I react! I'm only once removed from the projects!

I'm spoiled… yes, this is true but what you usually judge me on are tangible things with monetary value. The memories and joy I have from my parents, family and childhood supersede "THINGS" anyway. If it all went away tomorrow, I would still have my family/friends, my memories and be loved.

Laughter is good for the soul! With everything in life, make sure you can take in what you dish out. Also, don't be such a prude. Laughter, joking and pranks were apart of my upbringing and are still a major part of my life!

I never get dressed with the mentality of "Girl, you gon' kill 'em today Honey! Okkkkkayy!" I do put in an effort to look my best and I have a sparkling personality, (some times) but I won't tone down who I am to make you feel better!

I've made many connections with various people throughout my life. Who I chose to hang with is really none of your business. I have a core group of friends that mean the world to me, but occasionally I hang out with fellow alumni, past co-workers, childhood friends and so forth. If that makes me fake, so be it. It's shallow to think I should only talk to and spend time with a certain group of friends, ONLY! I don't belong to anyone on this earth but Bev and Sherm... to an extent and Jesus!

At the end of the day, I AM loving, sensitive, caring, fabulous, blessed (Thank you JESUS), protecting and can enunciate when need be. When you pigeon hole me, I simply lose respect for you. Not sure about something, ask me! If I'm not your cup of tea, please exit stage LEFT!!! EVERYONE IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY!

This isn't going to work… Deal Breakers!

When I talk about relationships/marriage and expectations, I think people believe I live in some fantasy land or my expectations are too high. In my opinion, maybe they are a bit jaded, too affected by societal views or have settled…. misery loves company, yanno?!

Any Hoo, here are my 5 deal breakers, I believe will cause me to believe "we" won't work out!

1. FAITH- I am a Christian. I believe that as a Christian, I can learn ways and be challenged by people who have different beliefs but at the end of the day if we don't share the same basic ideals about our faith then I don't believe we will work out. It extends further than us and involves our future household and children. Should our child be Muslim Monday through Friday and then shoveling pork down their gut on Sunday at the Church Anniversary picnic? Jewish on Saturday? Are you going to be on the couch on Sunday, while I'm in the house of the Lord? Along with faith comes your own commitment to the Lord, I can't make you have a relationship. You shouldn't fake one to get a chick in bed. I want to be able to pray with you and for you, knowing you do the same.

2. HONESTY- As I said in a previous Blog Why Are You Single, I need a man to be transparent. When you stammer, withhold or change your story… I'm probably already thinking of ways to tell you "This isn't going to work." The time you take to eventually tell me the truth and some malarkey about you trying to protect me or not knowing how to tell is wasted time. Telling the truth is not always easy, I get it but a lie always seems to take on a life of it's own and lies lead to trust issues.

3. FAMILY/FRIENDS- This person will have to have thick skin. PERIOD. My family members will test you but if you're the man that God designed for me, I don't think you'll have a problem. (bites lip) Same goes for my friends. I've learned instead of trying to interfere, I should allow them to grill you because they are going to do it anyways and only want the best for me. Along with this category comes understanding and acceptance. We as a family get together quite often and the same goes for my friends. We're loud! Our jokes are crude! A little bit of cussing! A lot of food and even more laughter! Also, I have a couple of guy friends I am extremely close to, you either gain four brothers in Ray, Dre, Jimmy and Jeff or this won't work. Also, if you try to keep me away from them or discourage us spending time together (family/friends), Byyyyyyeeee!!!!

4. SEX- My decision to not have sex until marriage is not a popular one but it's mine. I hadn't had sex since December 2011 and foolishly and briefly allowed someone from my past in, this past September. 19 months of abstinence down the drain, but a lesson learned. One is, God was preventing him from being in my life for a reason but I nudged that door open and allowed him to reappear. It's a great thing that God is, a God of second chances... so I'm back to the abstinence. 25 months total, even with that blunder! In my reading the bible and devotions, I have learned that "he" will have to have made his own promise/vow to God. I can't make him stop having sex on my account and put all of this pressure of expectation on him.

We'll visit this topic (sex/abstinence) again in depth…..

5. SMOKING- I can't handle it! No blacks! No cigarettes! No Marijuana! Nothing else. Oddly, I don't mind the occasional cigar but not around me! Smokers snore and have some unsettling funk lodged in their throat! Yuck

I think that's all!! There are some smaller things I want, but aren't deal breakers. Clean shaved! Smells amazing! Athletic! Driven! Educated! Willing to try new things! Can manage money! Versatile wardrobe…. but suits! (Yes Lord)