Negativity

Saturday was my birthday and to say I had a blast would be an understatement. Got a couple of bruises, broke nails, scraped knees and pictures that speak a thousand words but even in the midst of such great times negativity reared it's head.

My cake from my friend, lol!

“Negativity is totally unnatural. It is a psychic pollutant, and there is a deep link between the poisoning and destruction of nature and the vast negativity that has accumulated in the collective human psyche. No other life-form on the planet knows negativity, only humans, just as no other life-form violates and poisons the Earth that sustains it. Have you ever seen an unhappy flower or a stressed oak tree? Have you some across a depressed dolphin, a frog that has a problem with self-esteem, a cat that cannot relax, or a bird that carries hatred and resentment? The only animals that may occasionally experience something akin to negativity or show signs of neurotic behavior are those that live in close contact with humans and so link into the humans mind and its insanity.” 

― Eckhart Tolle

While out to lunch yesterday, someone I look up to like a big Sister said "the true testament to a friendship, especially where females are concerned, is how you react when you two grow apart or take different paths in life or experience a rift. If you find it easy to rain on my parade when you do talk to me or tell anyone who will listen negative things/secrets about me, we were never friends." Sad to have to find out that way but there's a lot of truth in what she said. 

You have to use your discernment. It will never fail you! Initially When things for me started to change I felt sad but then I learned of secret feelings, private thoughts shared and plans to bring pain and harm to me, whether it be emotionally, mentally or physically I became disturbed! For me it was a sincere moment of clarity. I had been feeling like a tornado came into my life and tossed everything about me and my world in the air. The more I grasped for what I thought belonged to me and added normalcy,  the more things seemed to stay in the air swirling around my head, metaphorically speaking. 

As life would have it all pieces held captured by that tornado are and have been falling into place. Some of those items and people went away with the storm and I am thankful! I'm in a great space right now and the insane thing about is, I could've done away with those things and people a long time ago had I listened to my gut instinct. Not really sure why I thought I could go against the inevitable or that I could make things better "If I _______." <Fill in the blank with countless verbs! 

It takes too much energy to be and stay mad at someone. Grudges aren't healthy! Life truly is short! When I say "I love you," I mean it! Doesn't matter if we're friends, family or intimately friends and to a certain extent/fault, maybe I love too hard.

"Misery loves company" is one of the truest statements ever said. The problem with miserable people is that they can't seem to grasp the concept that the problem lies within them. It's not anyone else fault that you are unhappy but your own! You lying on someone, tearing other people down and doing devious acts will not soothe whatever is festering inside of you. You can only wrong people or be negative for so long before you find yourself alone. 

I love my support system. Aside from keeping me doubled over laughing, they are honest when need be, challenge and pray with/for me! No relationship is ever perfect but I am thankful for them. Can't worry about those people who are no longer a part of my life. I wish no harm on them but understand their seasons in my life are over and they cannot move forward with me in my life's journey. Nor will there be room for them somewhere down the road. 

Tricks or Truth?

There are countless movies where a person listens to their friends coerce them into playing jedi mind tricks to get the girl/guy of their dreams. How to manipulate the scenario in your favor and how to react when things don't go according to plan. Why do we lie to ourselves and our friends?

Here's a thought, if God wanted you to know how the opposite sex works, wouldn't he have made you a man instead of a woman and vice versa? And if you have so much advice to give, why are you single or unhappily in a relationship? Why are you so bored that you are taking up so much of your time to thrust me into a relationship? Hear me out though, if you genuinely want to see me happy and know that I'll be a great compliment to someone's life... I appreciate it but I am not a charity case, my time simply has not come.

To watch these type of scenarios play out in a movie are hilarious but when people try out these ideas in real life, shit truly gets real!!! Don't keep watching these movies like Two Can Play This Game or Sex In The City and believe that you can trick someone into falling in love with you and or have your "happily ever after" following you causing a person to block your number, go the other way when they see you or pushing them so far you push them into someone else's grasp!

Something that seems to be lacking these days is the TRUTH. If you don't like something speak up! If you don't feel a connection, go with your gut feeling and for the love of everything breathing, STOP using people for what they have to compensate for them not being THE ideal person or for YOUR previous history with someone else that has you walking around like Bitter Betty/Moody Marvin.

Lack of truth is why we have thousands of men wearing sagging magnums and injuring women during foreplay because the women prior didn't honestly tell you that your performance was horrible (with tact) but it could also be your ego (that's a different blog). Lack of truth and pride in one's self has both sexes out here lying about who they are and what they have. Lack of truth is causing women to walk outside dressed like a video model and she's built like a queen size mattress. (direct yourself to youtube and watch ICES BROWN)

Not all advice is bad though. I think it is important to have friends or family members of the opposite sex around you to help you decipher when someone is not genuine. We as women pick up on things you men don't see and know and vice versa. I am not saying their vote trumps your feelings and thoughts about that person but at least listen and digest what those who love you are saying.

Some things aren't gray they are truly black and white. As much as friends and family can help, they can do harm as well. Your relationship should not be an open topic each and every time something is going on. Brag too much and you'll find someone drifting into your life with that green eyed monster known as jealousy. Complain too much and you'll find your friends and family sick of y'all and acting really funky towards your significant other.

I think everyone deserves to find true happiness and that definition of happiness is not confined to a relationship. However, I think it's important to always be honest. No one guy can speak for EVERY guy and the same applies to women. Just remember, all things done in the dark come to the light!

I'll take life for 300, Alex!!

I'm open to trying new things.. scuba diving, skydiving, snorkeling, parasailing, streaking (well, that's not exactly new just haven't done it in a while). However, I just cannot fathom internet dating. To me the options are like choosing life or death.

I know you're reading this and laughing like, "Keturah, you are so dramatic," and I hear you but listen do y'all remember the Craiglist Killer??? I do. Clearly people who have been dating, friends with, married to and so forth for years are being blatantly lied to everyday. So what do you think some creep behind a computer is concocting? 

People who have been in long-term relationships are being emotionally and physically ripped to shred EVERYDAY. Just so we are clear EVERYDAY includes MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY and SATURDAY!!!! People announcing that they are gay after 20 years of marriage and 5 kids. People deciding they want something new and exciting, faking their death and those that are sick of "YOU" and chop you up into pieces and dispose of the body, or put arsenic in your food or set the house on fire with you in it.... As you can see, I could go on for days!!!!

Again, you are sarcastically reading this swearing that I am letting my imagination go wild but refer to Snapped, I survived, Law & Order (ALL OF THE VARIOUS SPIN-OFFS), CSI and all of the news specials that come on E True Hollywood, 20/20, dateline and so forth. Are you still laughing and thinking I'm being over the top? Where do you think they got these stories from? Nobody's imagination is that great... they are based on true stories. 

I said all of that to say this, I can't sit behind a computer and try to find love like it's a full-time job. Trying to manage a profile, sifting through images, likes and whatever else you have to do. Nor am I about to have my mother yelling and crying in the graveyard like Mylin when Sheby died because I got intertwined with the modern day Jack the Ripper, donkey punched in the back of the head and drug to my end. Nope!

 

On top of that some of these sites want you to pay. (Blink Blink) TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLARS a year to find love? Do you know what I can do with $250? I'll tell you!

• Get a pedicure
• Throw an old school style party
• Tithe
• Buy shoes
• Get more shoes
• Did I say shoes?
• Clothes
• Accessories
• Do a project off of Pinterest
• Take my brother's and friend's kids somewhere
• Take a small getaway
• Food and LOTS of it

But $250 for dating... NAW! In fact HELL TO THE NAW!

 

To each his own, y'all can have that! In my best Jeopardy contestant voice, "I'll take LIFE for $300, Alex."

Mean Girl Syndrome

As some of you know, I attended and graduated from the University of Kentucky and this weekend was HOMECOMING!!!!! To say I had fun was an understatement but enlightening as well, which is hard to fathom with copious amounts of liquor paired with the absolute minimal amounts of sleep that were incorporated but I learned quite a bit.

I often hear people say "smile" when they see me. I consciously am not trying to scowl, frown or look indifferent but just have so much on my mind. At any given moment I could be thinking about make up, my nieces and nephews, shoes, religion, family, nail polish, traveling, birth, funny moments from the past, my future and so much more. I promise I don't mean to come off as a "bitch" and intimidate anyone, truly not my intentions at all.

<most see this 

                   instead of this >

To know me is to know for the most part I am goofy, outlandish, very skeptical and outspoken but if you don't get past the initial "Hi, I'm Keturah. People call me Tu. Nice to meet you. Yada, yada, yada," you wouldn't exactly know that. A friend suggested that I have a great demeanor and personality but my body language suggest that I don't want to be bothered, don't speak to me or stay away. <--- ouch, no one has ever put it that way.

Fast Forward a couple of hours later and I show up for my cousin's birthday party. Upon arriving I know everyone but 2 people. Those 2 people remain quiet, while I address everyone else and immediately begin joking with everyone. As we sit down for dinner, I tell my friends about the body language and they immediately all agree. <--- ouch again but sometimes the truth hurts. The guy across from me tells me he was a little nervous to speak to me. My attitude when I walked in read "I'm the shit and I know it, don't bother me." <--- Geesh, salt in the wound!

I can't pinpoint when exactly I started to give off that type of attitude. I do know that around people I do not know and walking into situations that feel unknown, I become shy. I have relayed that to people and they all crack up laughing like I said something funny. (BLANK STARE) I think somewhere along the lines, my being confident crossed the lines of coming off as a mean girl. I won't sit here and bs y'all though, I certainly do have a mean streak. It takes A LOT to take me there and verbally slice you to shreds but I'm not always exhibiting that part of me (well at least I didn't think I was).

Contrary to popular beliefs, I do get shy people and sometimes I feel like being quiet. I'm not always on 10 and I'm not your personal entertainment. If I could punch people every time they said "do blah blah blah. Impersonate so-n-so. Do that dance" I would.

Never too old to grow and learn.....

So, I guess I will try to live more in the present instead of allowing my thoughts to catapult me into the future what ifs and be more friendly and open. Don't misinterpret, SHE (yes, the third person) is still fabulous, smart aleck, animated and hilarious but if I'm not open and cordial upon first meeting people how will they know.

Complacency

The sermon from Wednesday is still on my mind and this is what I took from it. ---------------->

Sometimes no action yields the biggest reaction. When you move past your complacency it threatens the roles/positions of others who have tried to hold you down or have become used to looking down on you! Be careful how you treat people, you never know how God will turn their situation around. You may just need them one day!

Before that I had only thought of complacency as a personal problem. Not how it affects others around you. I also only thought of it as the person being lazy. Turns out some are stuck where they are because they won't deal with the problems plaguing them out of fear and some are discouraged. While, some don't have enough faith in themselves or God to move them past where they feel stranded or won't move because they want to know the exact process or dictate it. 

I find it amazing how we stay in jobs, friendships, relationships and anything else you can name that stifles us or no longer feels right/fitting because we're scared. It use to baffle me that people would become irritated or vengeful when you decide to change, better yourself or try something new but now I now understand that the fear you have to do better doesn't scare you but others as well. 

Here are some examples:

When you don't agree with them, they tell you don't know what you're talking about or are inexperienced to have an opinion. 

They are never wrong.

When you decide to make amends with people/situations where you were wrong or wronged others they tell you you're living in the past and or being a "punk."

When you decide to try something new, you are not good enough or strong enough. 

No matter how others may react to you, the choice to change lies with you. They will either remain in your life and maybe even take your cue to do better or will walk out of your life. As T.D. Jakes says, "Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left." (Video is posted on the bottom).

Recently, I've been making changes for me and have seen how the demeanor in regards to me, has changed. Some positive and encouraging, while others have been attitudinal and negative. I can't worry or allow that to downtrodden me. I can only pray for them and keep it moving. Sometimes you have to know how to love people from a distance. What is meant to be, will be. As I have come to realize, no matter how deep the rift or how long the amount of time has passed since the disagreement has happened, if someone is meant to be in your life... they will be eventually!

It's never too late to try and change  certain things in your life but some of us are too old to endure some of the same vicious cycles we engulf ourselves in but you have to be willing to admit that a change needs to take place. 

What has been nagging you in the back of your mind? Why have you chosen to remain complacent? 

Stunting Growth

After I took a nap today, I was flicking through the television and came across Tyler Perry's The family that preys. To me it is one of his best movies, contains the less amount of coonery and predictable story lines. Although, I LOATHE that wig he has on!!!! One of my favorite scenes is when Chris finds out about his wife's affair and slaps her (not condoning the domestic violence but she was WRONG). In the aftermath of their argument, her mother (played by Alfre Woodard) tells her "You can't make yourself happy by bringing misery to other people."

The backstory to that is that she was mad about her Dad leaving and blamed her mom, so she was all about self and trying to live a grand lifestyle at anyone's expense. One thing I also noticed about her was that she felt invincible. Sad that she would hold onto her parents divorce for 30 years but not notice what she was doing to everyone else that was in her life and was trying to love her.

Why is it in life, some people are hellbent on bringing misery to others? Why can't we grasp the concept that vengeance belongs to the Lord? Why do we harbor such resentment when people don't act the way we want them to or threaten to tell secrets/lies and whatever else to whoever will listen when the noble thing to do is just part ways. Why can't we let people go? I myself have been guilty of it.

I am a firm believer that every person that enters our life comes for a purpose and they are only meant to stay for season or a lifetime. Simply put REASON, SEASON or LIFETIME!!! Some of these people will exit at some point and return but how will the reception be on their end if you've been out trying to bring them down in their absence. 

Nothing is more true that God having a sense of humor!! "Wanna make God laugh tell him your plans." <---- Something I hear older people say and it's the truth. Nobody has a perfect family or perfect friends. Most of the things we have learned have come form accidents and mistakes. With so much beauty in the world why focus on the bad times and the pain?

For some, I think they are scared to move past misery because they have let it define them.

Some don't know their worth and or don't know who they are.

Others believe the nonsense they tell themselves and others.

Some think they know it all and how they feel and think is law or a fact. 

Some can only focus on how they feel. 

Change is inevitable! Sometimes it comes because you force people out of your life and some opportunities vanish. Sometimes you just outgrow the situation or relationship. No matter how it happens we have to learn to let go and move forward. Advice my dad gave me is "when you hold onto someone who isn't thinking about you or something that isn't for you, you block allowing better people and things to come into your life. As your parents we can pray for you but if your fist is closed, how can God put something else in your grasp?"

What are you holding on or trying to make work that should be let go? And, why are you trying so hard not to embrace change?

Day 30 of 30: Who am I?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE 30 DAYS!!! Excited that I stuck with it and appreciative that it forced me to think about and in some ways deal with some subjects, explore some thoughts and ponder relationships in my life.

Back to the question...

I could easily say I am:

• a child of God
• a daughter
• a sister
• a niece
• an aunt
• a friend
• a goofball
• a creative person
• lover of food and fashion

but...... I don't think any one of those things gives an accurate description of me because I am all of those things! More than anything, I am evolving, growing and changing everyday. Some days I am a ball of positivity and other days I am feisty and mean and some days I am downright confused but above all of these things I am happy with the woman I am becoming!

I have decided that I will keep blogging, won't be everyday but I will shoot for 2-3 times a week. I appreciate the support and love I have received while doing this. It means a lot! Buckle your seatbelt though, without a format... who knows what I will blog about!!! Lol!

Day 29 of 30: Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)

This is going to take a huge table!!! There will probably be so many conversations going on at one, it will be crazy!!! Here's my list:

Me... duh!!
My parents
My Godparents
My paternal grandmother
Jesus
Tupac (rapper)
Aaliyah (singer)
Dame Dash (I know you're judging but I think his life fell apart when Aaliyah died)
Martin (comedian)
50 Cent (rapper)
Oprah and Gail
Steve Harvey (comedian)
Prince (falls out screaming, I love him)
Bernie Mac (comedian)
My Aunt Dena
My Uncle Henry
Hell, all of my aunts and uncles
My cousin Mike Richardson, he has the best commentary
Laz Alonzo (actor)
Lil Duval (comedian)
Richard Pryor (comedian)
Rev. Cosby (my pastor)
Iyanla Vanzant
Queen Latifah (rapper/actress)
Julia Roberts (actress)
Ashton Kutcher
Rev Run & Justine
Nia Long
Wood Harris
Mr. X (my Black History teacher from high school)
Martin Luther King and Malcolm X (going to show them youtube so they can catch up)
Derek (cousin, I just want to hear him sing one more time)
Aunt Marsha
Damon (cousin)
Kunta (Big Bro)
Vinny & Pauly from the Jersey Shore (I can feel you judging again)
Marvin Gaye (Singer)
Kevin Hart (comedian)
Terrance J (actor and I feel you judging again. He's corny but I like it)
Will Demps (Football player, main reason is he likes the movie Glitter)
Will Smith

I'm sure I could add more people but I actually want to have some stimulating conversations and debates, not just gawk at some of the fineness I invited or have people just acting a complete fool.

Day 28: If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?

That's easy.... Becoming a wife and mother! God made me a woman for a reason. Not to say that every woman that is born and has lived should have been a mother or wife. Some people just aren't cut out for that task, just like going to college.

To a certain extent, our society spoon feeds this notion about a whirlwind romance and a fairytale wedding and perfect little baby or two, in a house with a picket fence. So, yes, that plays a part but more so than anything my biological clock is ticking... loudly! Could I go have a baby and just hope Mr. Right would come along and sweep me and the kid off of our feet like "Maid in Manhattan," sure, but the reality is, if the person I decide to lay down with, is not worthy to spend my forever with, why have a baby?

As much as what you see on tv refutes traditional values and will have you believing that you are crazy for having standards, praying and waiting to do it the right way (so people say), I just can't do it any other way. I'd be fooling myself to think I am really going to get artificially inseminated, like I said in a previous blog. I wanna meet a man and become great friends. Fall in and truly grow in love. To be overjoyed and overwhelmed to know we created something greater than both of us.

Only way I can explain it is, I could have 5 degrees, a closet full of clothes and shoes, a beautiful house decked out in ideas by (you guessed it) Pinterest, a nice car, banging hair and body but if I was to leave this earth and get to the pearly gates knowing I never became a wife or mother... I WILL HAVE A FULL BREAKDOWN. I'm talking crying, snotting, incoherent babbling, needing a sedative and someone to pick me up from the floor type of breakdown.

It probably sound selfish to some, who will offer that I mentor some youth (not the same). Adopt (could see myself consider that). 30 is the new 40 (Jay Z should be slapped for this foolery!!! I don't want to be 40+ pushing out no baby, mannnnnnn) Stop thinking about it and it will come (blank stare) and maybe it's just not in the cards for you (debates throwing that breakdown now).

I wanna know what it's like to experience my body changing to develop another life, that I helped create. I wanna know what it's like to feel the baby kick, have hiccups and just move around in general. I want to know what it's like to be overcome with love and joy at first sight. I want to know what labor and delivery are like (I might regret this one).

~sigh~ Patience... again, God is teaching me patience!

Day 27 of 30: If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?

Okay, I have totally thought about this before!! My flair for dramatics has me feeling like no one can play me but I saw Fantasia's movie and Natalie King Cole's and I think they should have stuck to singing.

I think I'm going to let everyone play themselves. A good way to put a little change in everyone's pocket but if you get to acting a fool and making outlandish demands, you will be on the quickest greyhound going back to wherever you came from.

The problem I see with this is people trying to rewrite the script and OVER acting, like on Good Times (I strongly dislike that show).

Idk.... Only actor I can decide on is Ice Cube for my brother!

Day 26 of 30: When were the happiest days in your life?

In no particular order:

• My nieces births
• High School graduation
• College Graduation
• Friends'/family member's weddings
• Joining my current church
• As always, family reunions... 3 days of love, laughter, food and foolishness!
• Birth of my Goddaughter 
• Christmas time (I just love this time of the year!)
• Moving into my current apartment... I love this space and decorating it! 
• Take your daughter to work day (You'll see everything possible in a police precinct (Dad) and being as cute as I was, my mothers co-workers stuffed me full of food and candy)

Day 25 of 30: What are the 10 most significant events in your life?

I feel like this is going to turn into a novel...

1. When I was in kindergarten, I was in a classroom that had 2 combined classrooms and 2 teachers, one black female (Ms. Beasley, loved her) and Ms. Griffith (Vomit noise). During the spring of that year, Ms. Beasly was out sick one day. We had been talking about the different make ups of families. So after a short video we were to draw our family. Ms. G passed out boxes of crayons, filled with black and peach ones. Baffled I raised my hand and asked how I was supposed to draw my family, She got in my face and asked what I was, with pride my 6-year-old self said "You say you're White, but you passed out peach crayons. I need a brown one." Pissed, you threatened to snatch my treat and told me to be quiet and draw. Knowing that I wasn't crazy and not giving a damn about ONE stanking ass pretzel, I asked again for a brown crayon. She told me I was disruptive and made me sit by myself. When my mom came she gave this whole embellished story. In true Beverly fashion, she told me to get in the car, shut my mouth and my dad was going to hear about this as soon as we got home. Now, I was confused. What did I do wrong? Was my skin not brown? After dinner and her going on and on and on about me embarrassing her, we had the TALK. She started to go off again and I started crying. My dad interrupted her and asked me what happened. After I told them through sobs, she went into another rage. Why didn't I tell her what happened? She was sorry and she would pack me an extra snack tomorrow, so I wouldn't have to worry about that funky pretzel. The next day, their was a ruckus in the hallway. Involved me darting my eyes back in forth, the principal apologizing, Ms. G trying to explain her method and my mom asking for a transfer. Needless to say, I went to Byck the next year.

2. Advanced placement test, more work and another transfer because Byck was a traditional school. AP to me meant, classrooms where I was either the only Black in the classroom or the only female and again... MORE WORK! It kind of felt like punishment for being smart. Shouldn't the kids who didn't excel as well as us, have more work? That excuse about challenging us because we get bored easily was foolishness!

3. Debutante Ball! A formal introduction of young ladies to society, also known as a "cotillion." SHE, HER, ME was Miss Congeniality... got a lot of flack from "so-called" friends that had they been in it, it would have been them. (Another AH HA moment, why did I stay friends with them?) The practices were hysterical. The night was priceless and I loved being in that dress!!! The aftermath in between the Galt House and Hyatt, all of us partying and acting a fool... priceless as well!

4. When I was 8, I went to a summer camp in Park DuValle. One morning, I was playing hide-n-seek in the main hallway. One of the teachers had just said "no running inside" and we laughed it off. One of the boys, Brett or was his name Brent, called my name. I turned towards the direction his voice came from but was still running. When I turned around

Ran into one the buildings support beams. Another teacher helped me to my room and they decided that my parents should be called. I was in pain. I'm positive my brain did a 360! I just didn't want to miss the Frito Lay field trip. Seeing how I couldn't stand up, lights hurt my eyes and I was vomiting... the emergency room won. Concussion #1. I literally crawled for a week. Everything hurt my head. 

5. Attending the University of Kentucky, I got my degree, but probably should have left with an arrest record! Enough said! I had a great time!!!

6. The birth of all of my nieces. You know how mothers have a hard time becoming grandmothers, I was that way with becoming an aunt. At the tender age of 14, I wasn't ready to be responsible. Bouncing baby #1 came April 15, 1998, #2 August 1, 1999, #3 July 8, 2002 and October 29, 2007!! Jealous or not, baby #1 stole my heart as well as the others! I see a piece of me in all of them! Joy!

7. Rekindling friendships that mean a lot to me and even mending fences of those I had previously only been cordial with. Jean most of all. Glad to see her happily be a wife and mom. Can't wait to do the same things  and share those experiences with her. Didn't realize how much I missed hearing Britt yell "Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" and laughing with her. This has been a huge source of growth!! 

I'll reserve 8, 9 and 10 for later....... Don't think they have happened yet!  

Day 24 of 30: What gives you sincere happiness?

Let me start off by apologizing. Hosted a brunch Saturday that turned into dinner and then a night out with friends. So I wasn't able to post anything but we had a great time!!!

Moving on.... Sincere Happiness!

The goofy and ridiculous moments that you think no one will understand and you realize they do and you can't stop laughing... either of you! Like, the laughter becomes contagious and after a while you don't even remember why you were laughing in the first place, but can't stop!! I live for those moments.

The innocence of children. The way they give love without recourse. The way they play and innocently ask questions about their differences, but could care less about said differences after their question is answered. How the smallest things bring them joy!

Looking out the window on lazy day with the fireplace going and looking at a fresh blanket of snow.

A crisp fall day walking through the St. James Art Fair and the leaves are falling and the colors are changing.

Having movie night with my parents in the basement. Their commentary... hysterical!!!

I know you guys will probably think this wrong but a good trip and maybe even a fall as long as no one is hurt... makes me double over and loose it! Then I have to text Akia and laugh again! We're goofy!

The times you pray and pray and pray for something and God moves and it gives you a sense of peace about whatever you were praying about!

My family reunions, doesn't matter what we're doing, I just love to be around them!

Resting my head on a cool pillow after a long day and wrapping up in my comforters. Love that feeling!

Busy... Busy... Busy...

My weekend has been jam packed! Haven't had much time to blog. Keeping my friend's son and nephew tonight. One is up and one is out. I am about to pass out. Hopefully, nothing crazy will happen while I'm sleep!!!

I will catch up tomorrow. Goodnight Loves!!!!

Day 23 of 30: Write a letter to the person who has ever hurt you the most.

Dear C,

If over 3 years ago, someone would have told me I would harbor this much resentment towards one person, I would've probably rolled me eyes, but to know that the person is you at times feels like a homicide to my heart. If I could get over it I would... trust!

My mom doesn't like me to openly talk about what has happened to me, but I think she is from a time where a lot of things are taboo and I feel that by sharing hopefully I can help someone else. In life we find ourselves saying what we would and wouldn't do, until the situation approaches us. Would I ever think I would be sexually assaulted, no! And by 2 men, in a friends house and then discarded by the friend to tend to the guy you were dating, but had participated in the act, no, again! Matter of fact... Hell no!

Life however has a way of delivering blows that sometimes knocks all of the proverbial air out of us. The days and weeks following that day were among some of the worst for me. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat and cried all day long until it felt like my tear ducts would dry out. Sadness does not even begin to describe how I felt. Eventually, I pulled together a facade to help those who were upset as well (family and friends) try to move past it. Looking back, I can truly acknowledge that I was depressed!

In the beginning I had people inbox me on facebook and ask why we weren't friends on there or they saw you or one of the other girls and were told a version that was blatantly a lie and in my opinion, your way to save face about the whole situation. I stuck with the standard "people grow apart" but as each day passed and more lies were told, that sense of loss I was feeling turned into hatred! I was mourning the loss of something so intimate being taken from me. Mourning the loss of friends I had been inseparable from for 12 years. Mourning the loss of my identity and on the verge of suicide, twice! I couldn't do it though because it's a cowards way out and when I got to that point I thought of my parents and my nieces, they need me and I would never want to leave them to deal with such pain. I'm better than that!

I don't think you understand what's it's like to spend five hours in a rape crisis center, being poked and prodded. Given what seems like a gazillion medicines as a preventative measure. To take pictures of your sacred areas. To be asked one million questions.

Or what it's like to see your father so upset, mother crying, friends ready to go hunt these dudes down with guns blazing.

Or to have the police tell you that "we're really sorry this happened to you, we've got substantial evidence but you weren't shot, stabbed or beaten so your case has to wait for a couple of years."

When I finally reached you, you were rude at first and then tearful. I will never forget that conversation because I could never be so callous to ask someone I call a friend to go have lunch and just forget about what happened. Or to give the guys my number, hoping that them apologizing or bringing up their kids would keep me from going to the police. Amazing because through the pain comes the lessons and eventually the healing. I don't hate you you anymore, but I can't lie to myself and say I'm over it.

The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is, expectations, especially great ones will let you down! What I am thinking in my head you should do, say, think or feel is probably not what you believe you should do and that's where the problem lies. If I was to truly reflect, our friendship was over many years before that happened, but I didn't trust my gut instinct to let you all go and or to have stayed with Kara that night. Or listened to Derek when he told me to leave.

You live and you learn. I probably could beat your ass and you really take me there when you try and strike up conversations when you see me or try to pass the love in church. To me all of the "I miss you's and still love you" with a smile, lacks so much sincerity on your part, but again EXPECTATIONS and perceptions. No matter how much this situation or you bother me, I pray for you and them. The carnal part of me would love to see to it you feel my wrath, but my spirit keeps me at bay. Besides, I'm way too cute to do 20 to life for some crime, when I know revenge doesn't belong to me but the Lord.

Keturah

Day 22 of 30: Whom Do You Admire Most?

I feel as though I have surrounded myself with a lot of admirable people and have been blessed to be related to some admirable people. So, I find it hard to narrow it down to one person or even a couple of people.

admire
Verb
1. Regard (an object, quality, or person) with respect or warm approval.
2. Synonymous with cherish, honor, value, look up to, credit.

If I look at it from the second point describing the word, my answer became clear.

MY DAD!!!


He's my hero! I honor him, cherish him and credit him with teaching me a lot. Sometimes I just stare at him or sit really close to him, poking and prodding him. He laughs and says "what is wrong with you? Why are you so close to me? Girl, stop! Beverly, get yo' daughter!" He probably thinks I'm weird, but the truth is I can't imagine my world without him, so I try to take in everything about him whenever I have a chance because neither of our tomorrows are guaranteed.

He came from a single parent home. He had one brother by his mom and father and a host of half brothers and sisters. Throughout my life he let me know that not having his father present propelled him to be the best father he could be. Is he perfect? No. We've certainly bumped heads a time or two and when he was wrong, he'd admit it and explain why he did what he felt was right. Most parents hit you with the "because I'm the parent and you'll do what I say."

Typical man, he has a hard exterior and doesn't always show emotion, but I know without a shadow of a doubt he loves my mother, my brother, my nieces and our extended family members and select friends. I've seen his struggles and the ability to carry what seems like the world on his shoulders. But, more than anything he's showed me his vulnerable side.

I saw how much the death of his father, albeit sort of a stranger, affected him. I was sad and mad for him. I wouldn't have gone to the funeral, but he went to the wake, funeral and burial... in fact I didn't. Couldn't bring myself to pour out emotion for someone who chose to have some of his kids and grandkids and not all. Even with all he was going through, he told me that closure was important. Being mad at someone who is no longer here proves and does nothing. In fact harboring animosity for anyone who has gone on with their life, is simply stupid. He was right!

I'm grateful that God saw fit to bless me with my parents! My mother is spectacular, but I think that the direction and strength that my father provides has laid the foundation for who I am and who I will date and marry!

Day 21 of 30: Who is your best friend in life?

I've thought about this question all day and came up with several answers....

Being a Christian, I suppose the most sanctified of Saints would expect me to say: My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ who saved a wretch like me (Catches the holy ghost). However, I'm sure the person who wrote these questions was probably talking about an actual person on earth right now in the flesh.

To be honest... I don't want to name one person or list why those I'm the closest to are the BFF's. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings but this is the truth. My friends all add to my life for different reasons. I appreciate my friendships with them and value the times we have spent, talks we've had, cries we've shared and times we probably should have been thrown on the alter or arrested.

To a certain extent friends after certain experiences and amounts of time become family.

I also think until I meet my "him," I can't name anyone person my best friend in life. Call it cliche or whatever you would like, but I hope the person I decide to spend my forever with will be my best friend for life.

Day 20 of 30: Does love = sex?

According to guys trying to get in my panties "How can I know if I truly love you if I can't have sex with you? Love is more than emotional, it's physical too." <--- SMH!! (Is there some type of book that you jack asses are passing around and studying???!!) If I went by that logic the answer would be yes, but I don't think they are equivalent.

I think when you are truly in love, it heightens the sex because your connection is deeper than how her boobs and behind made your manhood jump or how his bicep flexing and the way he licks his full lips (fans self) has you secretly doing kegels.

People treat sex too casual for it to be equated to love, especially when so many people have been jaded by heart aches, generational curses and whatever other reason you front like you don't want, need or believe in love. If people fell in love each time they had sex with someone, we would have a lot of EPO's and episodes of Snapped and Cheaters.

Don't misinterpret, no one should force love or believe that a time frame (90 days) will make the love appear. If you're not ready, you're simply not ready and people shouldn't try and coerce you into thinking you can't have casual sex (HOPEFULLY IT'S SAFE SEX). Only you know what's best for you.

Whatever you choose to do, wrap it up!

Day 19 of 30: Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.

Dear Keturah (the young lady),

Being 28 on the verge of 29, I look back and think about so many things I could have changed or simply done without. It would be easy for me to tell you all of the things and people to avoid, but then I (the future you) wouldn't be who I am today.
 
With that being said there are some things that will always hold true. Focus on school! You have plenty of time to party and date. Neither are going anywhere. Avoid credit cards, they seem alluring in college, but you really don't have a job. Those gut feelings you have about some people around you, speak on it and keep it moving. Trust, honesty isn't always a pleasant thing, but if people who you call friends aren't willing to respect, love and be as truthful with you as you are with them, you don't need them. Open those spots for people that offer more to your life than them.
 
Remember Aaron saying he was going to marry Candyce at that Alpha Halloween Party and he barely knew her? They did!! One of the best couples and families ever. Their wedding was gorgeous and they have 2 kiddos.
   
As thin as you are now, develop a daily exercise routine because after 25 it's hard to get that weight off. All of the snacking you do probably doesn't help, but avoid the struggle to have to even worry about that.
 
Although, you're not as close to your dad's side of the family as your mom's, fight to make that a reality. You're blessed to have 2 amazing sides of family. Don't let years go by and be so disconnected!
 
Your parents are amazing! You can tell them everything. They know more than you believe them to and even when disappointed or angry, they will always love you.

You're in for some good times, great times, WTF times and bad times, but with everything that happens the phrase "this too shall pass" will help you through. Your parents built a strong Christian foundation for you, you will stray in college because you think you know it all, but that foundation and relationship with Christ will get you through. As Rev. Cosby says, "there are some things you will NEVER get over, but God gives you enough Grace and mercy to help you get through them."

Love,
Keturah (The women you will become)

Day 18 of 30: What’s your passion?

I'm passionate about a lot of things....

My faith, still learning and becoming the reflection of what I've been taught. Or as the popular saying goes "God ain't through with me yet!"

DIY projects... I'm obsessed! Pinterest, I don't know how may times I can tell you, that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that site. HGtv, the discovery channel, TLC (When it's not full of reality tv). The ideas people come up with are amazing. I plan on making some Christmas ornaments I saw on Pinterest. I have tried a couple of things I've seen on there from cleaning to organizing.

The cake my dad made for my 5th Birthday

Cooking and baking, growing up in a household where my mother cooked almost EVERY DAY. Packed homemade lunches filled with my favorites and my dad made the best breakfasts and cakes/pies ever, I have flourished in the area. I love to do it.

Strawberry cupcakes and choc covered strawberries I made for my nieces 14th Birthday!

Reesie Cup brownies with peanut butter frosting & chocolate ganache

Party Planning, I have a knack for it. The problem I run into are cheap people and working with family and friends. My time and thoughts are precious. If you don't value or respect it, trust I will hand the reins back over to you and sit on the side eating buffalo dip on tortilla chips. (Rolls eyes) This to me is probably on the top of the list. I just love how creative it allows you to be! I love me some David Tutera, Preston Baily & Mindy Weiss!!!! They are fabulous!! 

Kids.... I LUH THE KIDS!!! (Martin voice) No matter how much they wear me out or I try to fight it, I'm good with them. I did a mentor program in high school with elementary kids. To see the kid I had go from his teacher doubting him, to being excited about school and his mom in tears because he was doing so much better still makes my heart swell and I had a similar experience while working with a little boy for Teach for America. English was his second language and the only English he learned from his older brother's rap music. Insert a lot of B____, F___, damns and S___. He just didn't know any better and every time I explained it, he understood, but it took patience! Had his teacher taken the time to not always yell at him, she would have figured that out. (Wonder why they always give me the difficult child they write off as bad or unable to learn??) 

Music! Lord, I am a human jukebox. I feel like I'm always singing something or music is floating through my head. There is no off switch!! In the shower, I kill any singer to have ever done it!!! Then I turn the water off and realize the perfect acoustics I heard in my head may have been just that... In my head.

Day 17 of 30: Choose: trust or love

Having been in a relationship where I wasn't secure enough to know that love could not and would not hold us together. I know without a doubt I prefer TRUST.

It's exhausting to go through voicemails, argue about Facebook posts and at the time, myspace top 10's, why you call her a "sister" and any other fooley wang I put myself through. I was young and dumb and had not truly been honest with myself. (Refer to Day 8)

On the flip side, I have seen couples where one person may or may not be cheating and saw how the other person was always in a sour mood or flipping out.

He/she speaks to the waiter and you flip out.
Someone comments on his/her Facebook status and you demand they be blocked or you go on their post and cuss them out.
You can't believe they can have an amicable relationship with an ex or that platonic friendships exist. Going through his phone or checking his bill. Riding past his house....

Just CRAZY!!!! And if I am exhausted watching it, you have to be exhausted doing or putting up with it.

That type of behavior is crazy as hell and probably conducive to ulcers, headaches and all types of stress. The craziest thing about it is, you DON'T have to put yourself through that!!!

If trust doesn't exist, insecurities and other issues will outweigh the love! It's that simple!

Another boring Friday

I've kind of kept to myself all week. Nothing personal towards anyone in particular just thinking about where I am and where I want to be. How I've changed for the better and for the worse. I'm sure some people are speculating or being insecure as to why I've been rather quiet and quite frankly, I can't worry about them. It's amazing that people act as if I should always be on 10 and get nervous when I'm quiet.

I did however have 2 great conversations with 2 people that mean a lot to me and they posed some questions and offered some comments that tap danced on my nerves a little but no friendship worth having is ever all agreements and sunshine. So, I'm thankful that they were honest and truly see me for who I am and not who they want me to be or think I am.

First is, is it a true reflection of me, what I allow those around me to do/say. Granted I cannot control them, but I can make a conscious decision to not be around it. Equal yoke does not only apply to marriage, it applies to friendships. Have I allowed myself to be a punching bag for others and have I taken the steps to properly heal from things in the past?

Hmmmmm.......

I do feel myself evolving, so no I don't want to drink like I did in college. Shots make me gag now! No, I don't want to be in the club or out all late like I'm still 21. Yes, I've been trying to cuss less. No, I don't smoke anything. Sunday is not just a day of relaxation but a day of worship and family time.

But it seems like others around me, only want to do certain things. I'm not knocking them or saying that what they want to do is beneath me because there are def times, I wanna go out and let my hair down.  

I know for certain, I want my husband to be my best friend. The person who compliments me and vice versa. The person who prays for and with me. Looking back, I'm in awe at how "friends" have presented me to others or have continued to speak on and about things I have asked them not to because they are embarrassing and or disrespectful. I'm alone for a reason and not lonely. Just because 2 people are single does not mean they are compatible. (PLEASE DIGEST AND REMEMBER MY LAST SENTENCE) I don't have sex because I choose not to. Although, I am not a virgin, I want the next time I open myself up to someone in that manner, to be the LAST first time. Crazy how my lack of sexuality is a concern for those who are not attached to my sexual organs.

I said all of that to say this, as each day passes, I'm changing and I'm not sure everyone who is present now can stay on my journey. I love my friends, but reason, season and lifetime applies to everyone. What category you fall in depends on you.

God truly is teaching me patience and even at almost 30, I'm learning things can change when you least expect it. I pray that when the time is right, God lets me meet the person, who makes me laugh when I wanna cry. Offers to protect me, worships with me and doesn't want me to lose me to become "we," someone I can trust and respect and I will offer the same qualities and more to him. There's so much I wanna do and doing it as a group or as a "girl's trip" is beyond old. So I'll save those ideas for my him. 

Until then I'll be on the couch, eating ice cream, listening to slow jams and daydreaming

Day 16 of 30: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

I don't like this question at all. I feel like there is a lot that can be done but we live in a f'd up world! So where do you begin and what topic is more important than the next? How do you decide?

So, I'm not answering it......

Day 15 of 30: If you could have a super power, what would it be?

This is easy for me... to be able to read people's minds and know how to interpret their moods/feelings!

I just don't want it to be like that one Jim Carey movie where he was temporarily God and could every prayer all at once. I want it to be a power I can turn on and turn off.

I also don't want people to know I am doing it. I don't have time to be zapping people with that wand like Men in Black.

Day 14 of 30: Dream Wedding

(Takes a deep breath) To know me is to know this is a day I can't wait for, I think I have planned it a million times and now my vision is even easier to attain with Pinterest!!!

The wedding last what 20 minutes, give or take. So the most important part and what I look forward to the most is the reception!!!

So here's what I know, weddings are often synonymous with stress or stress and in the words of Sweet Brown "Ain't NOBODY got time for that!" I think I have made it pretty clear that I'm not really open to everyone's suggestions about pretty much ANYTHING!! Not about to argue with family members or friends about who should be in my wedding, food, color scheme or anything else. Want it your way... get married!

Any who, here are my ideas:

I want a classical feel for the wedding. I think I want my bridesmaids to wear black strapless dresses with sweetheart necklines, floor length and some type of intricate belt. I think I want them to wear gloves. Hair in a updo or pinned to the side. Red lips and smoky eyes.

For colors I am leaning towards purple but teal is a strong contender. I want the bouquets to fade in color, with the darkest color starting in the back and fading to the lightest shade and mine will probably be white with pearls and some bling in and around it.

I want the guys to either wear black tuxes or black pants with grey jackets (back lapels).

I wanted to put my nieces in but I have 4 and they range from ages (14-4) so I think I will refrain from that. I think I will have baby Jeff be the ring bearer (depending on what age he is).

I want an all white and glass reception with purple lighting to set it off!!! Depending on what type of accessories we wear, I will use silver or gold to accent it. I believe I want to do it all in one place, wedding and reception!

I'm pretty set on having a mermaid style dress! Something flirty, fun and sexy! I'm not into changing dresses, so I will have to absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!! Here are 2 I found, I like I don't know who makes the lace one but I think my butt will look fantastic in it. If you can tell me the designer, I will love you for life. I keep searching and no results.

My mom probably will be the most difficult part. Partially because I think she believes this is equally OUR day (SMH) and she is picky about dresses!

My dad and I already know we're dancing to "So Fresh & So Clean," that dude loves that song!! Of course we'll do a slow song, but not Beyoncé "Daddy." I am so tired of that song!!

A candy buffet and cupcakes everywhere!!!

Really, I just want everyone to be merry, shake their groove things and party like it's going out of style!!

Corniesa, is going to have her photo booth there for me!!! Love her!

Zellner will probably be my DJ!

There's a lady in Rebecca's Bridal that helped my friend AK with her wedding and she will def be who I use! She was like a real life J.Lo in Wedding Planner, well except she wasn't Puerto Rican.

I'll let my hair stylist, Tomeka Shelton do my hair however she likes. I'm still hesitant on a veil!

FOOD, has to be great! My inner fat girl will have a meltdown if it sucks. All that foolishness my friends went through being stressed and not eating... I am not about that life! I will eat!

Day 13 of 30: Favorite Movies

OMG.... This may be one of my favorite questions!!! And I cannot rank them in order, so I'll just list them!

Coming to America
Jumping the Broom
Brown Sugar
Poetic Justice
Hitch
What about Bob? (This is one of the funniest movies ever)
Funny Farm
Baby Boom
He Got Game
Our Family Wedding
ATL (know every line)
Baby Boy
Steel Magnolias (makes me cry my eyes very single time)
Something New
The Bestman
The Brothers
Soulfood
Waiting to Exhale
Step Brothers
Clueless
The Toy
Love & Basketball
Love Jones
A thin line between love and hate
Bad Boys (both of them)
Sex and the City
Game Plan
Harlem Nights
The Player's Club
Boomerang
Guess Who
This Christmas
Stomp the Yard
Glitter (Forget y'all I liked that movie)
Sparkle (Dare I say the new one over the old one. Whhhhhhiiiiiiittttttnnnnneeeeyyyyyy!!!!)
The Family that Preys
Bridesmaids
Hangover
Dreamgirls
Norbit
The Color Purple
Remember the Titans
Traffic
The Wood
Paid in Full

I'm sure there are more but that's all I have for now....

Day 12 of 30: What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?

Now that I am nearing 30, my biggest fear is I will never meet the one and do all of the things I have hoped for like have a happy/healthy relationship, get married and have children.

By no means am I saying that 30 is old but geesh, how much longer do I have to wait? I'm exhausted on praying about it because it seems like they are falling on deaf ears.

And before anyone chimes in with their 2 cents, I did not ask for, my desire to move to the next phase of my life does not stem from what everyone else around me is doing. Looking around some seem really happy and I am happy for them but their story is just that "THEIRS."

Maybe I've read one too many books and looked at way too many movies about happily ever after and have been hypnotized.

I keep hearing friends and family, saying "he's coming just be patient," but frankly I'm out of patience and weighing my options on going to a sperm bank for my 31st birthday! DEAD SERIOUS! Already ran this by my parents and several friends, they are not too thrilled to say the least but who wants to be in their 40's trying to have a baby?

Idk... time will tell! Or my biological clock will get the best of me!

Day 11 of 30: Are you a lover or a fighter?

I feel like I just laid across the couch in a therapist's office. (Ponders for a moment)

If I was to be completely honest, I know how to fight because my brother and cousins taught me. So defending myself in a literal sense is not an issue and even if I thought I wasn't going to win the fight, I'm going to take that ass whooping fighting back with every fiber in my body!

In a figurative sense, I think I am a fighter more so than a lover NOW because I have bottled up disappointment, sadness and frustration and turned it into a shield that comes across as anger. The things that are causing inner turmoil for me have created what feels like a maze. I'm running into the walls and don't know how to get out but with every wall I hit more weight is added to the burden of what is already existing on my shoulders.

On the flip side, I am a lover and I love hard, but loving hard to me hasn't returned that love (family and friends included). So, I have drawn back on the love I give because if I keep pouring into others, what will I have left except depletion?

In the past I would say I would do anything for anyone I love and I'm not sure I would still say or do the same thing. Some battles simply don't belong to us... POINT.... BLANK... PERIOD! I can want the best for those I love but if you don't want it for yourself or keeping doing something or messing with someone that is not good for you, why should I go fight your battles?

The best thing I know how to do is pray. Prayer is a form of love and fighting, whether you are praying for a friend, your children, your enemies, your future spouse and so forth. Especially, when you don't know what else to do.

Eventually, I think I will get back to being fun loving and rid of those things that are keeping me from doing so. I don't like going from 0 to 100 in sixty seconds. It's not healthy. It's shouldn't be celebrated and it shouldn't become a comfort zone. It doesn't feel good to hear people say "Hey, I remember when you went off on such and such. That was crazy." Don't misinterpret though, I am happy to an extent and am very blessed but there some things I have to get to the core about in order to move into the next phase of my life! I owe that to myself and those that have poured into me positively and love me!

Day 10 of 30: 10. What do you dislike the most about yourself?

Again.... are we talking physically or overall?

If we say physically, I would say a slimmer nose and a full top lip.

Overall, being slower to respond (creating a verbal and nonverbal filter).

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT! (Forrest Gump voice)

Day 9 of 30: What do you like the most about yourself?

This question is not specific... What do I like most about myself physically? Intellectually? Emotionally?

If we go with physically, I'm going to be shallow and say my boobs... Sue me! But, then again I like my hair, curls and and all. I like my legs too. All hell, I'm somewhat conceited!

I think the thing I like about me the most a whole is that I am equal parts hilarious and compassionate, although I don't show my sensitive side to many!

I will laugh at everything and I do mean everything! I get that from my father and NOTHING is more funny that when we get together (my brother included) and joke about every and anything while my mother feigns innocence and acts embarrassed by us! You name a place and we are acting up! Church... Restaurants... Shopping malls... Hospitals... I don't think there is a place that is off limits! The best part is I have is his gift to tell a joke and keep a straight face.

Plus, I really don't have a filter. (I try but it's just not function properly and I really don't care)

Life is too short, to not be able to enjoy it! Laughter is great for the soul and in my opinion builds character. If you can tell jokes, you should be able to take them as well. This new age stuff where people can't take what they dish and then get ready to fight or pull out a gun... foolishness!

My compassionate side has tears threatening to test my thug vernacular everyday, LOL! It seems like the older I get, the more I tend to just cry at the drop of a hat. Watching Lifetime is no longer an option for me! I cry over a lot too. Weddings, baby christenings, stuff I watch on television, all of the ginger ale or nutella being gone. Geesh! It only lasts for a moment and I hate for people to see me cry.

I do take a lot of stuff to heart. I wish I could heal and fix problems and wounds, those I love carry! I pray throughout the day about so much and nowadays the best prayers are for everyone else. I'm not saying I don't pray for my wants and needs but with age and wisdom comes the knowledge to know, had someone not prayed for me I would not be where I am.

So, to sum it up: My boobs, hair, legs, humor and compassion!

Day 8 of 30: Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

Heartbreak....

Ooh, that's a subject that could have me talking for days, but here's some truth (puts on big girl panties).

In our teenage years and even in our early 20's we often confuse lust, loneliness and what we read in books/magazines and see on television as love. Had I listened to my female intuition about certain situations and people, I wouldn't have had a need to play the "Waiting to Exhale" soundtrack (Hurts so bad, Not gone cry, Funny Valentine and Hurts like hell) on repeat and cry myself to sleep. Knowing when something feels off kilter or wrong is one thing, but having enough sense to walk away is another.

One of my mottos about life is "You GROW through what you GO through." <------ That will preach! (Waves old MLK Jr. church fan)

So yeah those guys were wrong for the things they did, but to a certain extent, they did what I allowed them to do.

No need to point fingers and air dirty laundry on here, but HONEY, I have some stories!!!

To answer the question, yes, I have had my heart broken and I am sure that I have broken a heart or two before.

It's life, you learn to dust yourself off and try again or keep kissing frogs until you meet your prince (but not literally, don't want that *Uncle HERP* as I call it or mono) or whatever clever phrase you want to insert!

Day 7 of 30: What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?

I was certainly not supposed to be here!! After the 2 pregnancies prior to mine not turning out well, my mother decided to have her tubes tied. The doctor, who I won't name but is still practicing (God Bless anyone he is tending to) did not believe in birth control (Yet, he went to medical school to become an obstetrician and gynecologist.... a field that is not stuck in the 19th century) so he only tied ONE tube.

Now, my parents had no idea that he felt that way or that he did not fully do the procedure. So in March of 1983, my mother begin to feel funny. Went to the doctor to hear "SURPRISE, you're pregnant." Feeling as though the doctor was confused she went to 2 other doctors, to only be told the same thing.

Her pregnancy with me left her a lot baffled and a tad depressed. Just imagine thinking you couldn't have anymore children and then *BAM* you're pregnant. Some family members offered suggestions, but thank Jesus my mama prayed and searched the bible for my name, after the insistence of my Godmother.

The suggested name for me was SHERMANETTA FRANSCITA..... Yeah, I can imagine that you are reading this and are in total awe or can't stop laughing.

Shermanetta because my dad's name is Sherman and Franscita after my paternal grandmother. I'm all for legacies and honoring people, worth honoring but with a name like that I would have been 500 pounds going to fat camp every year, never having a boyfriend, lonely with 20 cats and eating ice cream by the gallon.

After much contemplation, my mother went with KETURAH DIANE. Keturah is found in the bible, Genesis the 25th chapter and 1st verse. Diane, after a friend she no longer talks to, but I digress.

To date the only meaning I have found is that Keturah is Hebrew and means incense.

So there you have it in a nutshell!  

Day 6 0f 30: What is your phobia/fear?

I know that our religions teach us that we shouldn't fear anything but listen that all goes out of the window when something I don't like makes that fear surface and my heart feel like it's jumping out of my chest and about to fall out of my vagina!!!

The movie "IT" tops that lists, there's nothing scarier than that damn clown with those jacked up teeth, killing kids and blood floating all over the screen. I'm grown as hell! I'm talking real bills and responsibilities. And, I still feel like a toddler that hates that damn rat in Chuckie Cheese but my parents keep taking me back because of that movie! Let's just add all scary movies!

Bug, insects, rodents.... ALL of that! Landing on me, flying in my face, buzzing in my ear!

I know this sounds irrational but I have always had a fear of falling down the steps and breaking my teeth! I don't know why, I just do!

Haunted Houses and forests.... nope! Count me out!!!

Dogs, cats... hell, almost all pets! Don't need anything running and jumping on me! I have to think twice about bowing a child in the head when they unexpectedly jump on me!

Funeral homes (gagging at the current moment) THEY CREEP ME OUT! I'm scared that I'm going to get locked in one and all types of unexplainable shit is going to happen!

That's all I have for now!

Day 5 of 30: Describe the last thing that made you seriously cry

I had a dream one night that I was at my father's funeral and it felt so real I jumped out of my sleep. In a panic, I searched through my phone looking for evidence that the dream was true and found NONE. The details of it still floated through my mind and I cried like I have never cried before...

I just kept seeing someone at the podium crying trying to conduct the service and my second niece walking to the casket and breaking down. I walked up to her and comforted her, telling her that he would always be with her. After a moment she walked back to her mom but I turned back towards the casket and completely lost it. All of my friends just surrounded me and someone started praying. I just kept wailing "my daddy" and my emotion ripped through the crowd and brought everyone to tears. My brother stayed to comfort my mom. I eventually walked back to my seat but was numb.

I have yet to figure out why I had that dream and am thankful that he is still here. I know one day it will be a reality and that does not sit well with me but I know he really lived life and has been a friend, blessing, mentor and so many things, to so many people.

When my parents thought they couldn't have anymore children, my father prayed for one more child, a daughter if possible and God gave me to them. He stepped up after my mom's postpartum depression and in my opinion went above and beyond the typical father duties. Learning to do my hair. Father daughter bowling league. The first man to give me roses.

I now understand what it means to say "I want a man like my father." Patience isn't easy but I know God has designed someone who will compliment me and vice versa and will love and adore me as I have seen my father love my mother and respect me as a young woman.

Day 4 of 30: What is True Love?

What is true love.....

Hmmmmmm...... I just can't think of a definition. Everyone on this earth has a different background, experiences and so forth... so, how can you define it?

I just think that it will be different for each individual and for the different relationships.

I do believe it has to be genuine, honest and at times selfless!

So it's probably best that everyone defines this on their own!

Day 3 of 30: If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?

A DAY LATE.... I WAS BUSY YESTERDAY!

I instantly knew what I wanted but I knew saying it could probably result in some backlash. I decided from the beginning that doing this would mean I would have to be raw and vulnerable. So here goes....

If there was ever some aspect of my growing up I could change, it would be having the type of grandparents I saw everyone else have or to have my Godparents live longer. (stay with me, that's not my actual wish)

Seeing others getting picked up by their grandparents and spending the nights at their house or cooking/baking with them and the passing of stories, ideals, colloquials and so much more is an area I just feel slighted on and it's probably fair that I explain why.

My paternal grandfather simply wasn't a part of my life. Of course, I asked questions and met him once, but I truly felt no love lost because I didn't know him. It wasn't until I started to build a relationship with my cousin (my father's niece from one of his half-brothers) that I learned how close he was to some of his grandchildren and to be honest I still struggle with it a bit. It hurts to know he chose to be there for some of us and not all! Time heals all wounds though.....

My maternal grandfather was a very (taps finger to chin) uh.... "special" man, lol. To know him is know he wanted things done his way and was very vocal when they weren't. Not really sure being a father was something he truly wanted to be, but he beamed about my brother and I. As he neared the latter part if his life, his thoughts/words and actions became very erratic, but I chalk it up to his dementia. I know that he loved me, but a part of me hurts to know he wasn't the father he could have been and how it hurt(s) my mom.

My maternal grandmother is loved by many and as crazy as it sounds, I have no connection to her at all.  I've seen and heard the ways my mother felt upset with her about how she grew up and my earliest memories of her revolve around me being sick and her and my grandfather have a shouting match. My father asking them to leave and them continuing to argue outside. (oil and water) My brother and cousins have different feelings and memories. I'm not mad at her, nor am I harboring ill will. I just see  the pain etched in my mother's face when she's shared things with me and I guess you can say, I've chose sides in a non-existing war.

My Godmother and Godfather, were amazing.... No other way to put it. The memories flood and overwhelm me when I think of them. She helped my mother find my name. The butter mints in that tin can with the colors separated by colors he would give me. The fireplace in their house. Learning to skate in their kitchen while she cooked. Arguing with their grandson, Derek about who's night it was to spend the night and who they loved more. (He was much older and just picking with me, miss him as well) Helping her get Geno ready when she would keep him and listening to her tell him he wasn't any different than anyone else because of his physical handicap. And I could keep going but the tears are flowing, happy ones though.

My paternal grandmother died before I was born, but I've heard so much about her and as shocking as this may sound, I feel that had she lived I would have been so close to her.

So my wish would be to bring back my Godparents and to have allowed me to meet my grandmother. Everything happens for a reason, so I'll be okay knowing God's plan has no error.

Day 2 of 30... Who or what can't you live without?

Been thinking about this question all day and I came up with nothing....

Sure, I could ramble on and say:

My parents but the reality is one day we will all go to heaven and I, nor they (God forbid I go first) can stop living because the circle of life is taking place.

Music... As much as I love it, if i had to do without it, I would learn to adapt. (I think)

Food... Sure it's tasty and on a bad day can soothe some moments away temporarily but that just feels so wrong to say food. Almost like idolatry!

TV.... entertaining, but I'm sure I could live without it!

Sex... I don't have it now, so i know I can live without that! (Remind me to blog about that)

Clothes, shoes, cars, money, nail polish and the list goes ON & ON & ON, but none of these things seems to hold the volume of meaning needed to stop my life or break me down because I don't have them.

And then it dawned on me..... LOVE!! Love, whether it's loving me and the skin I'm in, or loving those around me, seeing love in these sappy romantic comedies I love how awesome it feels and radiates on the faces of those being loved and how different the definition is from one person to the next!!! And, I'm not just limiting it to love between lovers.

The look a mother has for her newborn and the way the father looks at the mother after the birth... LOVE!

The look a child has when they mess up and aren't proud of what they did, but are certain their parent(s) loves them no matter what... LOVE!

The way a couple that just got married gazes into each other's eyes and tears are flowing while reciting words coming from their heart and souls.... LOVE!

The way a child who everyone else counted out walks across the stage for high school or college graduation and that support system they have is beaming with joy... LOVE!

Seeing a soldier come home on TV and be disfigured and amputated and his/her family be so proud of them and promise to help them through the struggles that they face... LOVE! (Seing the soldiers come home period!!!!)

The examples could flow for days, so I'll stop here! (Feeling a little misty eyed)

Day 1 of 30: 20 of my favorite things

DAY 1 of 30: 20 of my favorite things

This seems like a great question to introduce you to me... in no particular order!!

1. My Parents, married for 36 years, together for 39. Hands downs the funniest people I know. They get on each others nerves, bicker, laugh, support one another and us, keep God at the center of their lives and have managed to set an epic guide to marriage for me!
2. Nutella, I strongly believe crack cocaine is a secret ingredient. There is no other way to explain how or why the stuff is that great! Had to stop eating it for a while because it was spiking my cholesterol levels! (Could be that I was eating it by the jars) 
3. Christianity, growing up it felt like we were in the church EVERYDAY!!! And when I got to college, I decided I didn't need to go as much but God truly has a way of humbling you through life experiences. 
4. My nieces, nephews, God-Daughter, kids of friends... I love them all!!! They are such a blessing and a handful. The best is sending them home when the day is over!
5. My iPhone, I could give 2 frog asses what phone you have and how much you swear nothing tops the iPhone, but I'm convinced that this phone is the best ever!!! 
6. My friends, (SMH) They are all special for different reasons. Many of times we should have went to jail or been tested for uncontrolled substances but I plead the fifth! I couldn't have asked for a better group to be surrounded by! WE ARE THE PARTY, no matter where we go! We need some camera crews! 
7. My boobs, I know that sounds shallow as hell, but I don't care! These things are amazing! 34DDD, but that size is too porn like so I stick to a 36DD. And yes, they are real!!!
8. My shoes, I can't wear heels like I used to, but I still love them. There is something about a quality made high heel that just tickles my fancy!! 
9. BIRTHDAYS, I blame my parents because I had a party every year of my life growing up except the 17th (terrible car accident). I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE birthdays!! Tomorrow is not promised and many of the people who have walked with us on our journey of life didn't make it this far!!! 
10. Skirts/dresses, I'm a tomboy at heart, but there is something about skirts and dresses. They seem to tap into my inner sexiness and help exude all that makes me a woman. 
11. Pinterest, this site is simply amazing!!! Recipes, DIY projects, Wedding ideas. It's utterly amazing!!!
12. Family Reunions, nothing like them! I have a brother, but the age difference between us creates quite a gap. Some of my cousins are like siblings. Learned a lot from them.... good and bad! LOL! I look forward to them every year!
13. Photos, I literally have thousands of photos! I love taking them! I love looking at them and reminiscing. I have tons of photos all of my place.
14. Books, I love to read, but they have to keep my attention!! 
15. Cooking, it's fun! So many recipes to try! 
16. Accessories, they are taking over my house but I can't stop buying them!! (Intervention)
17. Movies and Old tv shows, I can watch something over and over and over. It drove my dad nuts when I lived at home. Living Single, a Different World, Martin, This Christmas, What About Bob, Coming to America and I could go on for days!!! #Classics 
18. Laughter, I love to laugh! Amazing what it can do for the soul!! But, I need to grow a filter because I laugh at some really inappropriate stuff! Don't trip in front of me because I will laugh while trying to ask if you're okay!! 
19. My BED and the couch, I love to sleep! That quote about sleep being the cousin of death came from some foolish person. Ya'll gone mess around and stroke out, not sleeping!! As I get older, I realize how much naps are needed!
20. Sweets..... my weakness!!! Ice cream, pies, cookies, cakes, candies, pastries.... I just love them!!!