My weekend has been jam packed! Haven't had much time to blog. Keeping my friend's son and nephew tonight. One is up and one is out. I am about to pass out. Hopefully, nothing crazy will happen while I'm sleep!!!
I will catch up tomorrow. Goodnight Loves!!!!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Day 23 of 30: Write a letter to the person who has ever hurt you the most.
Dear C,
If over 3 years ago, someone would have told me I would harbor this much resentment towards one person, I would've probably rolled me eyes, but to know that the person is you at times feels like a homicide to my heart. If I could get over it I would... trust!
My mom doesn't like me to openly talk about what has happened to me, but I think she is from a time where a lot of things are taboo and I feel that by sharing hopefully I can help someone else. In life we find ourselves saying what we would and wouldn't do, until the situation approaches us. Would I ever think I would be sexually assaulted, no! And by 2 men, in a friends house and then discarded by the friend to tend to the guy you were dating, but had participated in the act, no, again! Matter of fact... Hell no!
Life however has a way of delivering blows that sometimes knocks all of the proverbial air out of us. The days and weeks following that day were among some of the worst for me. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat and cried all day long until it felt like my tear ducts would dry out. Sadness does not even begin to describe how I felt. Eventually, I pulled together a facade to help those who were upset as well (family and friends) try to move past it. Looking back, I can truly acknowledge that I was depressed!
In the beginning I had people inbox me on facebook and ask why we weren't friends on there or they saw you or one of the other girls and were told a version that was blatantly a lie and in my opinion, your way to save face about the whole situation. I stuck with the standard "people grow apart" but as each day passed and more lies were told, that sense of loss I was feeling turned into hatred! I was mourning the loss of something so intimate being taken from me. Mourning the loss of friends I had been inseparable from for 12 years. Mourning the loss of my identity and on the verge of suicide, twice! I couldn't do it though because it's a cowards way out and when I got to that point I thought of my parents and my nieces, they need me and I would never want to leave them to deal with such pain. I'm better than that!
I don't think you understand what's it's like to spend five hours in a rape crisis center, being poked and prodded. Given what seems like a gazillion medicines as a preventative measure. To take pictures of your sacred areas. To be asked one million questions.
Or what it's like to see your father so upset, mother crying, friends ready to go hunt these dudes down with guns blazing.
Or to have the police tell you that "we're really sorry this happened to you, we've got substantial evidence but you weren't shot, stabbed or beaten so your case has to wait for a couple of years."
When I finally reached you, you were rude at first and then tearful. I will never forget that conversation because I could never be so callous to ask someone I call a friend to go have lunch and just forget about what happened. Or to give the guys my number, hoping that them apologizing or bringing up their kids would keep me from going to the police. Amazing because through the pain comes the lessons and eventually the healing. I don't hate you you anymore, but I can't lie to myself and say I'm over it.
The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is, expectations, especially great ones will let you down! What I am thinking in my head you should do, say, think or feel is probably not what you believe you should do and that's where the problem lies. If I was to truly reflect, our friendship was over many years before that happened, but I didn't trust my gut instinct to let you all go and or to have stayed with Kara that night. Or listened to Derek when he told me to leave.
You live and you learn. I probably could beat your ass and you really take me there when you try and strike up conversations when you see me or try to pass the love in church. To me all of the "I miss you's and still love you" with a smile, lacks so much sincerity on your part, but again EXPECTATIONS and perceptions. No matter how much this situation or you bother me, I pray for you and them. The carnal part of me would love to see to it you feel my wrath, but my spirit keeps me at bay. Besides, I'm way too cute to do 20 to life for some crime, when I know revenge doesn't belong to me but the Lord.
Keturah
If over 3 years ago, someone would have told me I would harbor this much resentment towards one person, I would've probably rolled me eyes, but to know that the person is you at times feels like a homicide to my heart. If I could get over it I would... trust!
My mom doesn't like me to openly talk about what has happened to me, but I think she is from a time where a lot of things are taboo and I feel that by sharing hopefully I can help someone else. In life we find ourselves saying what we would and wouldn't do, until the situation approaches us. Would I ever think I would be sexually assaulted, no! And by 2 men, in a friends house and then discarded by the friend to tend to the guy you were dating, but had participated in the act, no, again! Matter of fact... Hell no!
Life however has a way of delivering blows that sometimes knocks all of the proverbial air out of us. The days and weeks following that day were among some of the worst for me. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat and cried all day long until it felt like my tear ducts would dry out. Sadness does not even begin to describe how I felt. Eventually, I pulled together a facade to help those who were upset as well (family and friends) try to move past it. Looking back, I can truly acknowledge that I was depressed!
In the beginning I had people inbox me on facebook and ask why we weren't friends on there or they saw you or one of the other girls and were told a version that was blatantly a lie and in my opinion, your way to save face about the whole situation. I stuck with the standard "people grow apart" but as each day passed and more lies were told, that sense of loss I was feeling turned into hatred! I was mourning the loss of something so intimate being taken from me. Mourning the loss of friends I had been inseparable from for 12 years. Mourning the loss of my identity and on the verge of suicide, twice! I couldn't do it though because it's a cowards way out and when I got to that point I thought of my parents and my nieces, they need me and I would never want to leave them to deal with such pain. I'm better than that!
I don't think you understand what's it's like to spend five hours in a rape crisis center, being poked and prodded. Given what seems like a gazillion medicines as a preventative measure. To take pictures of your sacred areas. To be asked one million questions.
Or what it's like to see your father so upset, mother crying, friends ready to go hunt these dudes down with guns blazing.
Or to have the police tell you that "we're really sorry this happened to you, we've got substantial evidence but you weren't shot, stabbed or beaten so your case has to wait for a couple of years."
When I finally reached you, you were rude at first and then tearful. I will never forget that conversation because I could never be so callous to ask someone I call a friend to go have lunch and just forget about what happened. Or to give the guys my number, hoping that them apologizing or bringing up their kids would keep me from going to the police. Amazing because through the pain comes the lessons and eventually the healing. I don't hate you you anymore, but I can't lie to myself and say I'm over it.
The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is, expectations, especially great ones will let you down! What I am thinking in my head you should do, say, think or feel is probably not what you believe you should do and that's where the problem lies. If I was to truly reflect, our friendship was over many years before that happened, but I didn't trust my gut instinct to let you all go and or to have stayed with Kara that night. Or listened to Derek when he told me to leave.
You live and you learn. I probably could beat your ass and you really take me there when you try and strike up conversations when you see me or try to pass the love in church. To me all of the "I miss you's and still love you" with a smile, lacks so much sincerity on your part, but again EXPECTATIONS and perceptions. No matter how much this situation or you bother me, I pray for you and them. The carnal part of me would love to see to it you feel my wrath, but my spirit keeps me at bay. Besides, I'm way too cute to do 20 to life for some crime, when I know revenge doesn't belong to me but the Lord.
Keturah
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Day 22 of 30: Whom Do You Admire Most?
I feel as though I have surrounded myself with a lot of admirable people and have been blessed to be related to some admirable people. So, I find it hard to narrow it down to one person or even a couple of people.
admire
Verb
1. Regard (an object, quality, or person) with respect or warm approval.
2. Synonymous with cherish, honor, value, look up to, credit.
If I look at it from the second point describing the word, my answer became clear.
MY DAD!!!
He's my hero! I honor him, cherish him and credit him with teaching me a lot. Sometimes I just stare at him or sit really close to him, poking and prodding him. He laughs and says "what is wrong with you? Why are you so close to me? Girl, stop! Beverly, get yo' daughter!" He probably thinks I'm weird, but the truth is I can't imagine my world without him, so I try to take in everything about him whenever I have a chance because neither of our tomorrows are guaranteed.
He came from a single parent home. He had one brother by his mom and father and a host of half brothers and sisters. Throughout my life he let me know that not having his father present propelled him to be the best father he could be. Is he perfect? No. We've certainly bumped heads a time or two and when he was wrong, he'd admit it and explain why he did what he felt was right. Most parents hit you with the "because I'm the parent and you'll do what I say."
Typical man, he has a hard exterior and doesn't always show emotion, but I know without a shadow of a doubt he loves my mother, my brother, my nieces and our extended family members and select friends. I've seen his struggles and the ability to carry what seems like the world on his shoulders. But, more than anything he's showed me his vulnerable side.
I saw how much the death of his father, albeit sort of a stranger, affected him. I was sad and mad for him. I wouldn't have gone to the funeral, but he went to the wake, funeral and burial... in fact I didn't. Couldn't bring myself to pour out emotion for someone who chose to have some of his kids and grandkids and not all. Even with all he was going through, he told me that closure was important. Being mad at someone who is no longer here proves and does nothing. In fact harboring animosity for anyone who has gone on with their life, is simply stupid. He was right!
I'm grateful that God saw fit to bless me with my parents! My mother is spectacular, but I think that the direction and strength that my father provides has laid the foundation for who I am and who I will date and marry!
admire
Verb
1. Regard (an object, quality, or person) with respect or warm approval.
2. Synonymous with cherish, honor, value, look up to, credit.
If I look at it from the second point describing the word, my answer became clear.
MY DAD!!!
He's my hero! I honor him, cherish him and credit him with teaching me a lot. Sometimes I just stare at him or sit really close to him, poking and prodding him. He laughs and says "what is wrong with you? Why are you so close to me? Girl, stop! Beverly, get yo' daughter!" He probably thinks I'm weird, but the truth is I can't imagine my world without him, so I try to take in everything about him whenever I have a chance because neither of our tomorrows are guaranteed.
He came from a single parent home. He had one brother by his mom and father and a host of half brothers and sisters. Throughout my life he let me know that not having his father present propelled him to be the best father he could be. Is he perfect? No. We've certainly bumped heads a time or two and when he was wrong, he'd admit it and explain why he did what he felt was right. Most parents hit you with the "because I'm the parent and you'll do what I say."
Typical man, he has a hard exterior and doesn't always show emotion, but I know without a shadow of a doubt he loves my mother, my brother, my nieces and our extended family members and select friends. I've seen his struggles and the ability to carry what seems like the world on his shoulders. But, more than anything he's showed me his vulnerable side.
I saw how much the death of his father, albeit sort of a stranger, affected him. I was sad and mad for him. I wouldn't have gone to the funeral, but he went to the wake, funeral and burial... in fact I didn't. Couldn't bring myself to pour out emotion for someone who chose to have some of his kids and grandkids and not all. Even with all he was going through, he told me that closure was important. Being mad at someone who is no longer here proves and does nothing. In fact harboring animosity for anyone who has gone on with their life, is simply stupid. He was right!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Day 21 of 30: Who is your best friend in life?
I've thought about this question all day and came up with several answers....
Being a Christian, I suppose the most sanctified of Saints would expect me to say: My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ who saved a wretch like me (Catches the holy ghost). However, I'm sure the person who wrote these questions was probably talking about an actual person on earth right now in the flesh.
To be honest... I don't want to name one person or list why those I'm the closest to are the BFF's. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings but this is the truth. My friends all add to my life for different reasons. I appreciate my friendships with them and value the times we have spent, talks we've had, cries we've shared and times we probably should have been thrown on the alter or arrested.
To a certain extent friends after certain experiences and amounts of time become family.
I also think until I meet my "him," I can't name anyone person my best friend in life. Call it cliche or whatever you would like, but I hope the person I decide to spend my forever with will be my best friend for life.
Being a Christian, I suppose the most sanctified of Saints would expect me to say: My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ who saved a wretch like me (Catches the holy ghost). However, I'm sure the person who wrote these questions was probably talking about an actual person on earth right now in the flesh.
To be honest... I don't want to name one person or list why those I'm the closest to are the BFF's. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings but this is the truth. My friends all add to my life for different reasons. I appreciate my friendships with them and value the times we have spent, talks we've had, cries we've shared and times we probably should have been thrown on the alter or arrested.
To a certain extent friends after certain experiences and amounts of time become family.
I also think until I meet my "him," I can't name anyone person my best friend in life. Call it cliche or whatever you would like, but I hope the person I decide to spend my forever with will be my best friend for life.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Day 20 of 30: Does love = sex?
According to guys trying to get in my panties "How can I know if I truly love you if I can't have sex with you? Love is more than emotional, it's physical too." <--- SMH!! (Is there some type of book that you jack asses are passing around and studying???!!) If I went by that logic the answer would be yes, but I don't think they are equivalent.
I think when you are truly in love, it heightens the sex because your connection is deeper than how her boobs and behind made your manhood jump or how his bicep flexing and the way he licks his full lips (fans self) has you secretly doing kegels.
People treat sex too casual for it to be equated to love, especially when so many people have been jaded by heart aches, generational curses and whatever other reason you front like you don't want, need or believe in love. If people fell in love each time they had sex with someone, we would have a lot of EPO's and episodes of Snapped and Cheaters.
Don't misinterpret, no one should force love or believe that a time frame (90 days) will make the love appear. If you're not ready, you're simply not ready and people shouldn't try and coerce you into thinking you can't have casual sex (HOPEFULLY IT'S SAFE SEX). Only you know what's best for you.
Whatever you choose to do, wrap it up!
I think when you are truly in love, it heightens the sex because your connection is deeper than how her boobs and behind made your manhood jump or how his bicep flexing and the way he licks his full lips (fans self) has you secretly doing kegels.
People treat sex too casual for it to be equated to love, especially when so many people have been jaded by heart aches, generational curses and whatever other reason you front like you don't want, need or believe in love. If people fell in love each time they had sex with someone, we would have a lot of EPO's and episodes of Snapped and Cheaters.
Don't misinterpret, no one should force love or believe that a time frame (90 days) will make the love appear. If you're not ready, you're simply not ready and people shouldn't try and coerce you into thinking you can't have casual sex (HOPEFULLY IT'S SAFE SEX). Only you know what's best for you.
Whatever you choose to do, wrap it up!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Day 19 of 30: Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.
Dear Keturah (the young lady),
Being 28 on the verge of 29, I look back and think about so many things I could have changed or simply done without. It would be easy for me to tell you all of the things and people to avoid, but then I (the future you) wouldn't be who I am today.
With that being said there are some things that will always hold true. Focus on school! You have plenty of time to party and date. Neither are going anywhere. Avoid credit cards, they seem alluring in college, but you really don't have a job. Those gut feelings you have about some people around you, speak on it and keep it moving. Trust, honesty isn't always a pleasant thing, but if people who you call friends aren't willing to respect, love and be as truthful with you as you are with them, you don't need them. Open those spots for people that offer more to your life than them.
Remember Aaron saying he was going to marry Candyce at that Alpha Halloween Party and he barely knew her? They did!! One of the best couples and families ever. Their wedding was gorgeous and they have 2 kiddos.
As thin as you are now, develop a daily exercise routine because after 25 it's hard to get that weight off. All of the snacking you do probably doesn't help, but avoid the struggle to have to even worry about that.
Although, you're not as close to your dad's side of the family as your mom's, fight to make that a reality. You're blessed to have 2 amazing sides of family. Don't let years go by and be so disconnected!
Your parents are amazing! You can tell them everything. They know more than you believe them to and even when disappointed or angry, they will always love you.
You're in for some good times, great times, WTF times and bad times, but with everything that happens the phrase "this too shall pass" will help you through. Your parents built a strong Christian foundation for you, you will stray in college because you think you know it all, but that foundation and relationship with Christ will get you through. As Rev. Cosby says, "there are some things you will NEVER get over, but God gives you enough Grace and mercy to help you get through them."
Love,
Keturah (The women you will become)
Being 28 on the verge of 29, I look back and think about so many things I could have changed or simply done without. It would be easy for me to tell you all of the things and people to avoid, but then I (the future you) wouldn't be who I am today.
With that being said there are some things that will always hold true. Focus on school! You have plenty of time to party and date. Neither are going anywhere. Avoid credit cards, they seem alluring in college, but you really don't have a job. Those gut feelings you have about some people around you, speak on it and keep it moving. Trust, honesty isn't always a pleasant thing, but if people who you call friends aren't willing to respect, love and be as truthful with you as you are with them, you don't need them. Open those spots for people that offer more to your life than them.
Remember Aaron saying he was going to marry Candyce at that Alpha Halloween Party and he barely knew her? They did!! One of the best couples and families ever. Their wedding was gorgeous and they have 2 kiddos.
As thin as you are now, develop a daily exercise routine because after 25 it's hard to get that weight off. All of the snacking you do probably doesn't help, but avoid the struggle to have to even worry about that.
Although, you're not as close to your dad's side of the family as your mom's, fight to make that a reality. You're blessed to have 2 amazing sides of family. Don't let years go by and be so disconnected!
Your parents are amazing! You can tell them everything. They know more than you believe them to and even when disappointed or angry, they will always love you.
You're in for some good times, great times, WTF times and bad times, but with everything that happens the phrase "this too shall pass" will help you through. Your parents built a strong Christian foundation for you, you will stray in college because you think you know it all, but that foundation and relationship with Christ will get you through. As Rev. Cosby says, "there are some things you will NEVER get over, but God gives you enough Grace and mercy to help you get through them."
Love,
Keturah (The women you will become)
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Day 18 of 30: What’s your passion?
I'm passionate about a lot of things....
My faith, still learning and becoming the reflection of what I've been taught. Or as the popular saying goes "God ain't through with me yet!"
DIY projects... I'm obsessed! Pinterest, I don't know how may times I can tell you, that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that site. HGtv, the discovery channel, TLC (When it's not full of reality tv). The ideas people come up with are amazing. I plan on making some Christmas ornaments I saw on Pinterest. I have tried a couple of things I've seen on there from cleaning to organizing.
Cooking and baking, growing up in a household where my mother cooked almost EVERY DAY. Packed homemade lunches filled with my favorites and my dad made the best breakfasts and cakes/pies ever, I have flourished in the area. I love to do it.
Music! Lord, I am a human jukebox. I feel like I'm always singing something or music is floating through my head. There is no off switch!! In the shower, I kill any singer to have ever done it!!! Then I turn the water off and realize the perfect acoustics I heard in my head may have been just that... In my head.
My faith, still learning and becoming the reflection of what I've been taught. Or as the popular saying goes "God ain't through with me yet!"
DIY projects... I'm obsessed! Pinterest, I don't know how may times I can tell you, that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that site. HGtv, the discovery channel, TLC (When it's not full of reality tv). The ideas people come up with are amazing. I plan on making some Christmas ornaments I saw on Pinterest. I have tried a couple of things I've seen on there from cleaning to organizing.
The cake my dad made for my 5th Birthday
Strawberry cupcakes and choc covered strawberries I made for my nieces 14th Birthday!
Reesie Cup brownies with peanut butter frosting & chocolate ganache
Party Planning, I have a knack for it. The problem I run into are cheap people and working with family and friends. My time and thoughts are precious. If you don't value or respect it, trust I will hand the reins back over to you and sit on the side eating buffalo dip on tortilla chips. (Rolls eyes) This to me is probably on the top of the list. I just love how creative it allows you to be! I love me some David Tutera, Preston Baily & Mindy Weiss!!!! They are fabulous!!
Kids.... I LUH THE KIDS!!! (Martin voice) No matter how much they wear me out or I try to fight it, I'm good with them. I did a mentor program in high school with elementary kids. To see the kid I had go from his teacher doubting him, to being excited about school and his mom in tears because he was doing so much better still makes my heart swell and I had a similar experience while working with a little boy for Teach for America. English was his second language and the only English he learned from his older brother's rap music. Insert a lot of B____, F___, damns and S___. He just didn't know any better and every time I explained it, he understood, but it took patience! Had his teacher taken the time to not always yell at him, she would have figured that out. (Wonder why they always give me the difficult child they write off as bad or unable to learn??)
Music! Lord, I am a human jukebox. I feel like I'm always singing something or music is floating through my head. There is no off switch!! In the shower, I kill any singer to have ever done it!!! Then I turn the water off and realize the perfect acoustics I heard in my head may have been just that... In my head.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Day 17 of 30: Choose: trust or love
Having been in a relationship where I wasn't secure enough to know that love could not and would not hold us together. I know without a doubt I prefer TRUST.
It's exhausting to go through voicemails, argue about Facebook posts and at the time, myspace top 10's, why you call her a "sister" and any other fooley wang I put myself through. I was young and dumb and had not truly been honest with myself. (Refer to Day 8)
On the flip side, I have seen couples where one person may or may not be cheating and saw how the other person was always in a sour mood or flipping out.
He/she speaks to the waiter and you flip out.
Someone comments on his/her Facebook status and you demand they be blocked or you go on their post and cuss them out.
You can't believe they can have an amicable relationship with an ex or that platonic friendships exist. Going through his phone or checking his bill. Riding past his house....
Just CRAZY!!!! And if I am exhausted watching it, you have to be exhausted doing or putting up with it.
That type of behavior is crazy as hell and probably conducive to ulcers, headaches and all types of stress. The craziest thing about it is, you DON'T have to put yourself through that!!!
If trust doesn't exist, insecurities and other issues will outweigh the love! It's that simple!
It's exhausting to go through voicemails, argue about Facebook posts and at the time, myspace top 10's, why you call her a "sister" and any other fooley wang I put myself through. I was young and dumb and had not truly been honest with myself. (Refer to Day 8)
On the flip side, I have seen couples where one person may or may not be cheating and saw how the other person was always in a sour mood or flipping out.
He/she speaks to the waiter and you flip out.
Someone comments on his/her Facebook status and you demand they be blocked or you go on their post and cuss them out.
You can't believe they can have an amicable relationship with an ex or that platonic friendships exist. Going through his phone or checking his bill. Riding past his house....
Just CRAZY!!!! And if I am exhausted watching it, you have to be exhausted doing or putting up with it.
That type of behavior is crazy as hell and probably conducive to ulcers, headaches and all types of stress. The craziest thing about it is, you DON'T have to put yourself through that!!!
If trust doesn't exist, insecurities and other issues will outweigh the love! It's that simple!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Another boring Friday
I've kind of kept to myself all week. Nothing personal towards anyone in particular just thinking about where I am and where I want to be. How I've changed for the better and for the worse. I'm sure some people are speculating or being insecure as to why I've been rather quiet and quite frankly, I can't worry about them. It's amazing that people act as if I should always be on 10 and get nervous when I'm quiet.
I did however have 2 great conversations with 2 people that mean a lot to me and they posed some questions and offered some comments that tap danced on my nerves a little but no friendship worth having is ever all agreements and sunshine. So, I'm thankful that they were honest and truly see me for who I am and not who they want me to be or think I am.
First is, is it a true reflection of me, what I allow those around me to do/say. Granted I cannot control them, but I can make a conscious decision to not be around it. Equal yoke does not only apply to marriage, it applies to friendships. Have I allowed myself to be a punching bag for others and have I taken the steps to properly heal from things in the past?
Hmmmmm.......
I do feel myself evolving, so no I don't want to drink like I did in college. Shots make me gag now! No, I don't want to be in the club or out all late like I'm still 21. Yes, I've been trying to cuss less. No, I don't smoke anything. Sunday is not just a day of relaxation but a day of worship and family time.
But it seems like others around me, only want to do certain things. I'm not knocking them or saying that what they want to do is beneath me because there are def times, I wanna go out and let my hair down.
I know for certain, I want my husband to be my best friend. The person who compliments me and vice versa. The person who prays for and with me. Looking back, I'm in awe at how "friends" have presented me to others or have continued to speak on and about things I have asked them not to because they are embarrassing and or disrespectful. I'm alone for a reason and not lonely. Just because 2 people are single does not mean they are compatible. (PLEASE DIGEST AND REMEMBER MY LAST SENTENCE) I don't have sex because I choose not to. Although, I am not a virgin, I want the next time I open myself up to someone in that manner, to be the LAST first time. Crazy how my lack of sexuality is a concern for those who are not attached to my sexual organs.
I said all of that to say this, as each day passes, I'm changing and I'm not sure everyone who is present now can stay on my journey. I love my friends, but reason, season and lifetime applies to everyone. What category you fall in depends on you.
God truly is teaching me patience and even at almost 30, I'm learning things can change when you least expect it. I pray that when the time is right, God lets me meet the person, who makes me laugh when I wanna cry. Offers to protect me, worships with me and doesn't want me to lose me to become "we," someone I can trust and respect and I will offer the same qualities and more to him. There's so much I wanna do and doing it as a group or as a "girl's trip" is beyond old. So I'll save those ideas for my him.
Until then I'll be on the couch, eating ice cream, listening to slow jams and daydreaming
Day 16 of 30: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
I don't like this question at all. I feel like there is a lot that can be done but we live in a f'd up world! So where do you begin and what topic is more important than the next? How do you decide?
So, I'm not answering it......
So, I'm not answering it......
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Day 15 of 30: If you could have a super power, what would it be?
This is easy for me... to be able to read people's minds and know how to interpret their moods/feelings!
I just don't want it to be like that one Jim Carey movie where he was temporarily God and could every prayer all at once. I want it to be a power I can turn on and turn off.
I also don't want people to know I am doing it. I don't have time to be zapping people with that wand like Men in Black.
I just don't want it to be like that one Jim Carey movie where he was temporarily God and could every prayer all at once. I want it to be a power I can turn on and turn off.
I also don't want people to know I am doing it. I don't have time to be zapping people with that wand like Men in Black.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Day 14 of 30: Dream Wedding
(Takes a deep breath) To know me is to know this is a day I can't wait for, I think I have planned it a million times and now my vision is even easier to attain with Pinterest!!!
The wedding last what 20 minutes, give or take. So the most important part and what I look forward to the most is the reception!!!
So here's what I know, weddings are often synonymous with stress or stress and in the words of Sweet Brown "Ain't NOBODY got time for that!" I think I have made it pretty clear that I'm not really open to everyone's suggestions about pretty much ANYTHING!! Not about to argue with family members or friends about who should be in my wedding, food, color scheme or anything else. Want it your way... get married!
Any who, here are my ideas:
I want a classical feel for the wedding. I think I want my bridesmaids to wear black strapless dresses with sweetheart necklines, floor length and some type of intricate belt. I think I want them to wear gloves. Hair in a updo or pinned to the side. Red lips and smoky eyes.
For colors I am leaning towards purple but teal is a strong contender. I want the bouquets to fade in color, with the darkest color starting in the back and fading to the lightest shade and mine will probably be white with pearls and some bling in and around it.
I want the guys to either wear black tuxes or black pants with grey jackets (back lapels).
I wanted to put my nieces in but I have 4 and they range from ages (14-4) so I think I will refrain from that. I think I will have baby Jeff be the ring bearer (depending on what age he is).
I want an all white and glass reception with purple lighting to set it off!!! Depending on what type of accessories we wear, I will use silver or gold to accent it. I believe I want to do it all in one place, wedding and reception!
I'm pretty set on having a mermaid style dress! Something flirty, fun and sexy! I'm not into changing dresses, so I will have to absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!! Here are 2 I found, I like I don't know who makes the lace one but I think my butt will look fantastic in it. If you can tell me the designer, I will love you for life. I keep searching and no results.
My mom probably will be the most difficult part. Partially because I think she believes this is equally OUR day (SMH) and she is picky about dresses!
My dad and I already know we're dancing to "So Fresh & So Clean," that dude loves that song!! Of course we'll do a slow song, but not Beyoncé "Daddy." I am so tired of that song!!
A candy buffet and cupcakes everywhere!!!
Really, I just want everyone to be merry, shake their groove things and party like it's going out of style!!
Corniesa, is going to have her photo booth there for me!!! Love her!
Zellner will probably be my DJ!
There's a lady in Rebecca's Bridal that helped my friend AK with her wedding and she will def be who I use! She was like a real life J.Lo in Wedding Planner, well except she wasn't Puerto Rican.
I'll let my hair stylist, Tomeka Shelton do my hair however she likes. I'm still hesitant on a veil!
FOOD, has to be great! My inner fat girl will have a meltdown if it sucks. All that foolishness my friends went through being stressed and not eating... I am not about that life! I will eat!
The wedding last what 20 minutes, give or take. So the most important part and what I look forward to the most is the reception!!!
So here's what I know, weddings are often synonymous with stress or stress and in the words of Sweet Brown "Ain't NOBODY got time for that!" I think I have made it pretty clear that I'm not really open to everyone's suggestions about pretty much ANYTHING!! Not about to argue with family members or friends about who should be in my wedding, food, color scheme or anything else. Want it your way... get married!
Any who, here are my ideas:
For colors I am leaning towards purple but teal is a strong contender. I want the bouquets to fade in color, with the darkest color starting in the back and fading to the lightest shade and mine will probably be white with pearls and some bling in and around it.
I want the guys to either wear black tuxes or black pants with grey jackets (back lapels).
I wanted to put my nieces in but I have 4 and they range from ages (14-4) so I think I will refrain from that. I think I will have baby Jeff be the ring bearer (depending on what age he is).
I want an all white and glass reception with purple lighting to set it off!!! Depending on what type of accessories we wear, I will use silver or gold to accent it. I believe I want to do it all in one place, wedding and reception!
I'm pretty set on having a mermaid style dress! Something flirty, fun and sexy! I'm not into changing dresses, so I will have to absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!! Here are 2 I found, I like I don't know who makes the lace one but I think my butt will look fantastic in it. If you can tell me the designer, I will love you for life. I keep searching and no results.
My mom probably will be the most difficult part. Partially because I think she believes this is equally OUR day (SMH) and she is picky about dresses!
My dad and I already know we're dancing to "So Fresh & So Clean," that dude loves that song!! Of course we'll do a slow song, but not Beyoncé "Daddy." I am so tired of that song!!
A candy buffet and cupcakes everywhere!!!
Really, I just want everyone to be merry, shake their groove things and party like it's going out of style!!
Corniesa, is going to have her photo booth there for me!!! Love her!
Zellner will probably be my DJ!
There's a lady in Rebecca's Bridal that helped my friend AK with her wedding and she will def be who I use! She was like a real life J.Lo in Wedding Planner, well except she wasn't Puerto Rican.
I'll let my hair stylist, Tomeka Shelton do my hair however she likes. I'm still hesitant on a veil!
FOOD, has to be great! My inner fat girl will have a meltdown if it sucks. All that foolishness my friends went through being stressed and not eating... I am not about that life! I will eat!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Day 13 of 30: Favorite Movies
OMG.... This may be one of my favorite questions!!! And I cannot rank them in order, so I'll just list them!
Coming to America
Jumping the Broom
Brown Sugar
Poetic Justice
Hitch
What about Bob? (This is one of the funniest movies ever)
Funny Farm
Baby Boom
He Got Game
Our Family Wedding
ATL (know every line)
Baby Boy
Steel Magnolias (makes me cry my eyes very single time)
Something New
The Bestman
The Brothers
Soulfood
Waiting to Exhale
Step Brothers
Clueless
The Toy
Love & Basketball
Love Jones
A thin line between love and hate
Bad Boys (both of them)
Sex and the City
Game Plan
Harlem Nights
The Player's Club
Boomerang
Guess Who
This Christmas
Stomp the Yard
Glitter (Forget y'all I liked that movie)
Sparkle (Dare I say the new one over the old one. Whhhhhhiiiiiiittttttnnnnneeeeyyyyyy!!!!)
The Family that Preys
Bridesmaids
Hangover
Dreamgirls
Norbit
The Color Purple
Remember the Titans
Traffic
The Wood
Paid in Full
I'm sure there are more but that's all I have for now....
Coming to America
Jumping the Broom
Brown Sugar
Poetic Justice
Hitch
What about Bob? (This is one of the funniest movies ever)
Funny Farm
Baby Boom
He Got Game
Our Family Wedding
ATL (know every line)
Baby Boy
Steel Magnolias (makes me cry my eyes very single time)
Something New
The Bestman
The Brothers
Soulfood
Waiting to Exhale
Step Brothers
Clueless
The Toy
Love & Basketball
Love Jones
A thin line between love and hate
Bad Boys (both of them)
Sex and the City
Game Plan
Harlem Nights
The Player's Club
Boomerang
Guess Who
This Christmas
Stomp the Yard
Glitter (Forget y'all I liked that movie)
Sparkle (Dare I say the new one over the old one. Whhhhhhiiiiiiittttttnnnnneeeeyyyyyy!!!!)
The Family that Preys
Bridesmaids
Hangover
Dreamgirls
Norbit
The Color Purple
Remember the Titans
Traffic
The Wood
Paid in Full
I'm sure there are more but that's all I have for now....
Monday, September 17, 2012
Day 12 of 30: What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
Now that I am nearing 30, my biggest fear is I will never meet the one and do all of the things I have hoped for like have a happy/healthy relationship, get married and have children.
By no means am I saying that 30 is old but geesh, how much longer do I have to wait? I'm exhausted on praying about it because it seems like they are falling on deaf ears.
And before anyone chimes in with their 2 cents, I did not ask for, my desire to move to the next phase of my life does not stem from what everyone else around me is doing. Looking around some seem really happy and I am happy for them but their story is just that "THEIRS."
Maybe I've read one too many books and looked at way too many movies about happily ever after and have been hypnotized.
I keep hearing friends and family, saying "he's coming just be patient," but frankly I'm out of patience and weighing my options on going to a sperm bank for my 31st birthday! DEAD SERIOUS! Already ran this by my parents and several friends, they are not too thrilled to say the least but who wants to be in their 40's trying to have a baby?
Idk... time will tell! Or my biological clock will get the best of me!
By no means am I saying that 30 is old but geesh, how much longer do I have to wait? I'm exhausted on praying about it because it seems like they are falling on deaf ears.
And before anyone chimes in with their 2 cents, I did not ask for, my desire to move to the next phase of my life does not stem from what everyone else around me is doing. Looking around some seem really happy and I am happy for them but their story is just that "THEIRS."
Maybe I've read one too many books and looked at way too many movies about happily ever after and have been hypnotized.
I keep hearing friends and family, saying "he's coming just be patient," but frankly I'm out of patience and weighing my options on going to a sperm bank for my 31st birthday! DEAD SERIOUS! Already ran this by my parents and several friends, they are not too thrilled to say the least but who wants to be in their 40's trying to have a baby?
Idk... time will tell! Or my biological clock will get the best of me!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Day 11 of 30: Are you a lover or a fighter?
I feel like I just laid across the couch in a therapist's office. (Ponders for a moment)
If I was to be completely honest, I know how to fight because my brother and cousins taught me. So defending myself in a literal sense is not an issue and even if I thought I wasn't going to win the fight, I'm going to take that ass whooping fighting back with every fiber in my body!
In a figurative sense, I think I am a fighter more so than a lover NOW because I have bottled up disappointment, sadness and frustration and turned it into a shield that comes across as anger. The things that are causing inner turmoil for me have created what feels like a maze. I'm running into the walls and don't know how to get out but with every wall I hit more weight is added to the burden of what is already existing on my shoulders.
On the flip side, I am a lover and I love hard, but loving hard to me hasn't returned that love (family and friends included). So, I have drawn back on the love I give because if I keep pouring into others, what will I have left except depletion?
In the past I would say I would do anything for anyone I love and I'm not sure I would still say or do the same thing. Some battles simply don't belong to us... POINT.... BLANK... PERIOD! I can want the best for those I love but if you don't want it for yourself or keeping doing something or messing with someone that is not good for you, why should I go fight your battles?
The best thing I know how to do is pray. Prayer is a form of love and fighting, whether you are praying for a friend, your children, your enemies, your future spouse and so forth. Especially, when you don't know what else to do.
Eventually, I think I will get back to being fun loving and rid of those things that are keeping me from doing so. I don't like going from 0 to 100 in sixty seconds. It's not healthy. It's shouldn't be celebrated and it shouldn't become a comfort zone. It doesn't feel good to hear people say "Hey, I remember when you went off on such and such. That was crazy." Don't misinterpret though, I am happy to an extent and am very blessed but there some things I have to get to the core about in order to move into the next phase of my life! I owe that to myself and those that have poured into me positively and love me!
If I was to be completely honest, I know how to fight because my brother and cousins taught me. So defending myself in a literal sense is not an issue and even if I thought I wasn't going to win the fight, I'm going to take that ass whooping fighting back with every fiber in my body!
In a figurative sense, I think I am a fighter more so than a lover NOW because I have bottled up disappointment, sadness and frustration and turned it into a shield that comes across as anger. The things that are causing inner turmoil for me have created what feels like a maze. I'm running into the walls and don't know how to get out but with every wall I hit more weight is added to the burden of what is already existing on my shoulders.
On the flip side, I am a lover and I love hard, but loving hard to me hasn't returned that love (family and friends included). So, I have drawn back on the love I give because if I keep pouring into others, what will I have left except depletion?
In the past I would say I would do anything for anyone I love and I'm not sure I would still say or do the same thing. Some battles simply don't belong to us... POINT.... BLANK... PERIOD! I can want the best for those I love but if you don't want it for yourself or keeping doing something or messing with someone that is not good for you, why should I go fight your battles?
Eventually, I think I will get back to being fun loving and rid of those things that are keeping me from doing so. I don't like going from 0 to 100 in sixty seconds. It's not healthy. It's shouldn't be celebrated and it shouldn't become a comfort zone. It doesn't feel good to hear people say "Hey, I remember when you went off on such and such. That was crazy." Don't misinterpret though, I am happy to an extent and am very blessed but there some things I have to get to the core about in order to move into the next phase of my life! I owe that to myself and those that have poured into me positively and love me!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Day 10 of 30: 10. What do you dislike the most about yourself?
Again.... are we talking physically or overall?
If we say physically, I would say a slimmer nose and a full top lip.
Overall, being slower to respond (creating a verbal and nonverbal filter).
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT! (Forrest Gump voice)
If we say physically, I would say a slimmer nose and a full top lip.
Overall, being slower to respond (creating a verbal and nonverbal filter).
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT! (Forrest Gump voice)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Day 9 of 30: What do you like the most about yourself?
This question is not specific... What do I like most about myself physically? Intellectually? Emotionally?
If we go with physically, I'm going to be shallow and say my boobs... Sue me! But, then again I like my hair, curls and and all. I like my legs too. All hell, I'm somewhat conceited!
I think the thing I like about me the most a whole is that I am equal parts hilarious and compassionate, although I don't show my sensitive side to many!
I will laugh at everything and I do mean everything! I get that from my father and NOTHING is more funny that when we get together (my brother included) and joke about every and anything while my mother feigns innocence and acts embarrassed by us! You name a place and we are acting up! Church... Restaurants... Shopping malls... Hospitals... I don't think there is a place that is off limits! The best part is I have is his gift to tell a joke and keep a straight face.
Plus, I really don't have a filter. (I try but it's just not function properly and I really don't care)
Life is too short, to not be able to enjoy it! Laughter is great for the soul and in my opinion builds character. If you can tell jokes, you should be able to take them as well. This new age stuff where people can't take what they dish and then get ready to fight or pull out a gun... foolishness!
My compassionate side has tears threatening to test my thug vernacular everyday, LOL! It seems like the older I get, the more I tend to just cry at the drop of a hat. Watching Lifetime is no longer an option for me! I cry over a lot too. Weddings, baby christenings, stuff I watch on television, all of the ginger ale or nutella being gone. Geesh! It only lasts for a moment and I hate for people to see me cry.
I do take a lot of stuff to heart. I wish I could heal and fix problems and wounds, those I love carry! I pray throughout the day about so much and nowadays the best prayers are for everyone else. I'm not saying I don't pray for my wants and needs but with age and wisdom comes the knowledge to know, had someone not prayed for me I would not be where I am.
So, to sum it up: My boobs, hair, legs, humor and compassion!
If we go with physically, I'm going to be shallow and say my boobs... Sue me! But, then again I like my hair, curls and and all. I like my legs too. All hell, I'm somewhat conceited!
I think the thing I like about me the most a whole is that I am equal parts hilarious and compassionate, although I don't show my sensitive side to many!
I will laugh at everything and I do mean everything! I get that from my father and NOTHING is more funny that when we get together (my brother included) and joke about every and anything while my mother feigns innocence and acts embarrassed by us! You name a place and we are acting up! Church... Restaurants... Shopping malls... Hospitals... I don't think there is a place that is off limits! The best part is I have is his gift to tell a joke and keep a straight face.
Plus, I really don't have a filter. (I try but it's just not function properly and I really don't care)
Life is too short, to not be able to enjoy it! Laughter is great for the soul and in my opinion builds character. If you can tell jokes, you should be able to take them as well. This new age stuff where people can't take what they dish and then get ready to fight or pull out a gun... foolishness!
My compassionate side has tears threatening to test my thug vernacular everyday, LOL! It seems like the older I get, the more I tend to just cry at the drop of a hat. Watching Lifetime is no longer an option for me! I cry over a lot too. Weddings, baby christenings, stuff I watch on television, all of the ginger ale or nutella being gone. Geesh! It only lasts for a moment and I hate for people to see me cry.
I do take a lot of stuff to heart. I wish I could heal and fix problems and wounds, those I love carry! I pray throughout the day about so much and nowadays the best prayers are for everyone else. I'm not saying I don't pray for my wants and needs but with age and wisdom comes the knowledge to know, had someone not prayed for me I would not be where I am.
So, to sum it up: My boobs, hair, legs, humor and compassion!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Day 8 of 30: Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?
Heartbreak....
Ooh, that's a subject that could have me talking for days, but here's some truth (puts on big girl panties).
In our teenage years and even in our early 20's we often confuse lust, loneliness and what we read in books/magazines and see on television as love. Had I listened to my female intuition about certain situations and people, I wouldn't have had a need to play the "Waiting to Exhale" soundtrack (Hurts so bad, Not gone cry, Funny Valentine and Hurts like hell) on repeat and cry myself to sleep. Knowing when something feels off kilter or wrong is one thing, but having enough sense to walk away is another.
One of my mottos about life is "You GROW through what you GO through." <------ That will preach! (Waves old MLK Jr. church fan)
So yeah those guys were wrong for the things they did, but to a certain extent, they did what I allowed them to do.
No need to point fingers and air dirty laundry on here, but HONEY, I have some stories!!!
To answer the question, yes, I have had my heart broken and I am sure that I have broken a heart or two before.
It's life, you learn to dust yourself off and try again or keep kissing frogs until you meet your prince (but not literally, don't want that *Uncle HERP* as I call it or mono) or whatever clever phrase you want to insert!
Ooh, that's a subject that could have me talking for days, but here's some truth (puts on big girl panties).
In our teenage years and even in our early 20's we often confuse lust, loneliness and what we read in books/magazines and see on television as love. Had I listened to my female intuition about certain situations and people, I wouldn't have had a need to play the "Waiting to Exhale" soundtrack (Hurts so bad, Not gone cry, Funny Valentine and Hurts like hell) on repeat and cry myself to sleep. Knowing when something feels off kilter or wrong is one thing, but having enough sense to walk away is another.
One of my mottos about life is "You GROW through what you GO through." <------ That will preach! (Waves old MLK Jr. church fan)
So yeah those guys were wrong for the things they did, but to a certain extent, they did what I allowed them to do.
No need to point fingers and air dirty laundry on here, but HONEY, I have some stories!!!
To answer the question, yes, I have had my heart broken and I am sure that I have broken a heart or two before.
It's life, you learn to dust yourself off and try again or keep kissing frogs until you meet your prince (but not literally, don't want that *Uncle HERP* as I call it or mono) or whatever clever phrase you want to insert!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Day 7 of 30: What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?
I was certainly not supposed to be here!! After the 2 pregnancies prior to mine not turning out well, my mother decided to have her tubes tied. The doctor, who I won't name but is still practicing (God Bless anyone he is tending to) did not believe in birth control (Yet, he went to medical school to become an obstetrician and gynecologist.... a field that is not stuck in the 19th century) so he only tied ONE tube.
Now, my parents had no idea that he felt that way or that he did not fully do the procedure. So in March of 1983, my mother begin to feel funny. Went to the doctor to hear "SURPRISE, you're pregnant." Feeling as though the doctor was confused she went to 2 other doctors, to only be told the same thing.
Her pregnancy with me left her a lot baffled and a tad depressed. Just imagine thinking you couldn't have anymore children and then *BAM* you're pregnant. Some family members offered suggestions, but thank Jesus my mama prayed and searched the bible for my name, after the insistence of my Godmother.
The suggested name for me was SHERMANETTA FRANSCITA..... Yeah, I can imagine that you are reading this and are in total awe or can't stop laughing.
Shermanetta because my dad's name is Sherman and Franscita after my paternal grandmother. I'm all for legacies and honoring people, worth honoring but with a name like that I would have been 500 pounds going to fat camp every year, never having a boyfriend, lonely with 20 cats and eating ice cream by the gallon.
After much contemplation, my mother went with KETURAH DIANE. Keturah is found in the bible, Genesis the 25th chapter and 1st verse. Diane, after a friend she no longer talks to, but I digress.
To date the only meaning I have found is that Keturah is Hebrew and means incense.
So there you have it in a nutshell!
Now, my parents had no idea that he felt that way or that he did not fully do the procedure. So in March of 1983, my mother begin to feel funny. Went to the doctor to hear "SURPRISE, you're pregnant." Feeling as though the doctor was confused she went to 2 other doctors, to only be told the same thing.
Her pregnancy with me left her a lot baffled and a tad depressed. Just imagine thinking you couldn't have anymore children and then *BAM* you're pregnant. Some family members offered suggestions, but thank Jesus my mama prayed and searched the bible for my name, after the insistence of my Godmother.
The suggested name for me was SHERMANETTA FRANSCITA..... Yeah, I can imagine that you are reading this and are in total awe or can't stop laughing.
Shermanetta because my dad's name is Sherman and Franscita after my paternal grandmother. I'm all for legacies and honoring people, worth honoring but with a name like that I would have been 500 pounds going to fat camp every year, never having a boyfriend, lonely with 20 cats and eating ice cream by the gallon.
After much contemplation, my mother went with KETURAH DIANE. Keturah is found in the bible, Genesis the 25th chapter and 1st verse. Diane, after a friend she no longer talks to, but I digress.
To date the only meaning I have found is that Keturah is Hebrew and means incense.
So there you have it in a nutshell!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Day 6 0f 30: What is your phobia/fear?
I know that our religions teach us that we shouldn't fear anything but listen that all goes out of the window when something I don't like makes that fear surface and my heart feel like it's jumping out of my chest and about to fall out of my vagina!!!
The movie "IT" tops that lists, there's nothing scarier than that damn clown with those jacked up teeth, killing kids and blood floating all over the screen. I'm grown as hell! I'm talking real bills and responsibilities. And, I still feel like a toddler that hates that damn rat in Chuckie Cheese but my parents keep taking me back because of that movie! Let's just add all scary movies!
Bug, insects, rodents.... ALL of that! Landing on me, flying in my face, buzzing in my ear!
I know this sounds irrational but I have always had a fear of falling down the steps and breaking my teeth! I don't know why, I just do!
Haunted Houses and forests.... nope! Count me out!!!
Dogs, cats... hell, almost all pets! Don't need anything running and jumping on me! I have to think twice about bowing a child in the head when they unexpectedly jump on me!
Funeral homes (gagging at the current moment) THEY CREEP ME OUT! I'm scared that I'm going to get locked in one and all types of unexplainable shit is going to happen!
That's all I have for now!
The movie "IT" tops that lists, there's nothing scarier than that damn clown with those jacked up teeth, killing kids and blood floating all over the screen. I'm grown as hell! I'm talking real bills and responsibilities. And, I still feel like a toddler that hates that damn rat in Chuckie Cheese but my parents keep taking me back because of that movie! Let's just add all scary movies!
Bug, insects, rodents.... ALL of that! Landing on me, flying in my face, buzzing in my ear!
I know this sounds irrational but I have always had a fear of falling down the steps and breaking my teeth! I don't know why, I just do!
Haunted Houses and forests.... nope! Count me out!!!
Dogs, cats... hell, almost all pets! Don't need anything running and jumping on me! I have to think twice about bowing a child in the head when they unexpectedly jump on me!
Funeral homes (gagging at the current moment) THEY CREEP ME OUT! I'm scared that I'm going to get locked in one and all types of unexplainable shit is going to happen!
That's all I have for now!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Day 5 of 30: Describe the last thing that made you seriously cry
I had a dream one night that I was at my father's funeral and it felt so real I jumped out of my sleep. In a panic, I searched through my phone looking for evidence that the dream was true and found NONE. The details of it still floated through my mind and I cried like I have never cried before...
I just kept seeing someone at the podium crying trying to conduct the service and my second niece walking to the casket and breaking down. I walked up to her and comforted her, telling her that he would always be with her. After a moment she walked back to her mom but I turned back towards the casket and completely lost it. All of my friends just surrounded me and someone started praying. I just kept wailing "my daddy" and my emotion ripped through the crowd and brought everyone to tears. My brother stayed to comfort my mom. I eventually walked back to my seat but was numb.
I have yet to figure out why I had that dream and am thankful that he is still here. I know one day it will be a reality and that does not sit well with me but I know he really lived life and has been a friend, blessing, mentor and so many things, to so many people.
When my parents thought they couldn't have anymore children, my father prayed for one more child, a daughter if possible and God gave me to them. He stepped up after my mom's postpartum depression and in my opinion went above and beyond the typical father duties. Learning to do my hair. Father daughter bowling league. The first man to give me roses.
I now understand what it means to say "I want a man like my father." Patience isn't easy but I know God has designed someone who will compliment me and vice versa and will love and adore me as I have seen my father love my mother and respect me as a young woman.
I just kept seeing someone at the podium crying trying to conduct the service and my second niece walking to the casket and breaking down. I walked up to her and comforted her, telling her that he would always be with her. After a moment she walked back to her mom but I turned back towards the casket and completely lost it. All of my friends just surrounded me and someone started praying. I just kept wailing "my daddy" and my emotion ripped through the crowd and brought everyone to tears. My brother stayed to comfort my mom. I eventually walked back to my seat but was numb.
I have yet to figure out why I had that dream and am thankful that he is still here. I know one day it will be a reality and that does not sit well with me but I know he really lived life and has been a friend, blessing, mentor and so many things, to so many people.
When my parents thought they couldn't have anymore children, my father prayed for one more child, a daughter if possible and God gave me to them. He stepped up after my mom's postpartum depression and in my opinion went above and beyond the typical father duties. Learning to do my hair. Father daughter bowling league. The first man to give me roses.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Day 4 of 30: What is True Love?
What is true love.....
Hmmmmmm...... I just can't think of a definition. Everyone on this earth has a different background, experiences and so forth... so, how can you define it?
I just think that it will be different for each individual and for the different relationships.
I do believe it has to be genuine, honest and at times selfless!
So it's probably best that everyone defines this on their own!
Hmmmmmm...... I just can't think of a definition. Everyone on this earth has a different background, experiences and so forth... so, how can you define it?
I just think that it will be different for each individual and for the different relationships.
I do believe it has to be genuine, honest and at times selfless!
So it's probably best that everyone defines this on their own!
Day 3 of 30: If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?
A DAY LATE.... I WAS BUSY YESTERDAY!
I instantly knew what I wanted but I knew saying it could probably result in some backlash. I decided from the beginning that doing this would mean I would have to be raw and vulnerable. So here goes....
If there was ever some aspect of my growing up I could change, it would be having the type of grandparents I saw everyone else have or to have my Godparents live longer. (stay with me, that's not my actual wish)
Seeing others getting picked up by their grandparents and spending the nights at their house or cooking/baking with them and the passing of stories, ideals, colloquials and so much more is an area I just feel slighted on and it's probably fair that I explain why.
My paternal grandfather simply wasn't a part of my life. Of course, I asked questions and met him once, but I truly felt no love lost because I didn't know him. It wasn't until I started to build a relationship with my cousin (my father's niece from one of his half-brothers) that I learned how close he was to some of his grandchildren and to be honest I still struggle with it a bit. It hurts to know he chose to be there for some of us and not all! Time heals all wounds though.....
My maternal grandfather was a very (taps finger to chin) uh.... "special" man, lol. To know him is know he wanted things done his way and was very vocal when they weren't. Not really sure being a father was something he truly wanted to be, but he beamed about my brother and I. As he neared the latter part if his life, his thoughts/words and actions became very erratic, but I chalk it up to his dementia. I know that he loved me, but a part of me hurts to know he wasn't the father he could have been and how it hurt(s) my mom.
My maternal grandmother is loved by many and as crazy as it sounds, I have no connection to her at all. I've seen and heard the ways my mother felt upset with her about how she grew up and my earliest memories of her revolve around me being sick and her and my grandfather have a shouting match. My father asking them to leave and them continuing to argue outside. (oil and water) My brother and cousins have different feelings and memories. I'm not mad at her, nor am I harboring ill will. I just see the pain etched in my mother's face when she's shared things with me and I guess you can say, I've chose sides in a non-existing war.
My Godmother and Godfather, were amazing.... No other way to put it. The memories flood and overwhelm me when I think of them. She helped my mother find my name. The butter mints in that tin can with the colors separated by colors he would give me. The fireplace in their house. Learning to skate in their kitchen while she cooked. Arguing with their grandson, Derek about who's night it was to spend the night and who they loved more. (He was much older and just picking with me, miss him as well) Helping her get Geno ready when she would keep him and listening to her tell him he wasn't any different than anyone else because of his physical handicap. And I could keep going but the tears are flowing, happy ones though.
My paternal grandmother died before I was born, but I've heard so much about her and as shocking as this may sound, I feel that had she lived I would have been so close to her.
So my wish would be to bring back my Godparents and to have allowed me to meet my grandmother. Everything happens for a reason, so I'll be okay knowing God's plan has no error.
I instantly knew what I wanted but I knew saying it could probably result in some backlash. I decided from the beginning that doing this would mean I would have to be raw and vulnerable. So here goes....
If there was ever some aspect of my growing up I could change, it would be having the type of grandparents I saw everyone else have or to have my Godparents live longer. (stay with me, that's not my actual wish)
Seeing others getting picked up by their grandparents and spending the nights at their house or cooking/baking with them and the passing of stories, ideals, colloquials and so much more is an area I just feel slighted on and it's probably fair that I explain why.
My paternal grandfather simply wasn't a part of my life. Of course, I asked questions and met him once, but I truly felt no love lost because I didn't know him. It wasn't until I started to build a relationship with my cousin (my father's niece from one of his half-brothers) that I learned how close he was to some of his grandchildren and to be honest I still struggle with it a bit. It hurts to know he chose to be there for some of us and not all! Time heals all wounds though.....
My maternal grandfather was a very (taps finger to chin) uh.... "special" man, lol. To know him is know he wanted things done his way and was very vocal when they weren't. Not really sure being a father was something he truly wanted to be, but he beamed about my brother and I. As he neared the latter part if his life, his thoughts/words and actions became very erratic, but I chalk it up to his dementia. I know that he loved me, but a part of me hurts to know he wasn't the father he could have been and how it hurt(s) my mom.
My maternal grandmother is loved by many and as crazy as it sounds, I have no connection to her at all. I've seen and heard the ways my mother felt upset with her about how she grew up and my earliest memories of her revolve around me being sick and her and my grandfather have a shouting match. My father asking them to leave and them continuing to argue outside. (oil and water) My brother and cousins have different feelings and memories. I'm not mad at her, nor am I harboring ill will. I just see the pain etched in my mother's face when she's shared things with me and I guess you can say, I've chose sides in a non-existing war.
My Godmother and Godfather, were amazing.... No other way to put it. The memories flood and overwhelm me when I think of them. She helped my mother find my name. The butter mints in that tin can with the colors separated by colors he would give me. The fireplace in their house. Learning to skate in their kitchen while she cooked. Arguing with their grandson, Derek about who's night it was to spend the night and who they loved more. (He was much older and just picking with me, miss him as well) Helping her get Geno ready when she would keep him and listening to her tell him he wasn't any different than anyone else because of his physical handicap. And I could keep going but the tears are flowing, happy ones though.
My paternal grandmother died before I was born, but I've heard so much about her and as shocking as this may sound, I feel that had she lived I would have been so close to her.
So my wish would be to bring back my Godparents and to have allowed me to meet my grandmother. Everything happens for a reason, so I'll be okay knowing God's plan has no error.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Day 2 of 30... Who or what can't you live without?
Been thinking about this question all day and I came up with nothing....
Sure, I could ramble on and say:
My parents but the reality is one day we will all go to heaven and I, nor they (God forbid I go first) can stop living because the circle of life is taking place.
Music... As much as I love it, if i had to do without it, I would learn to adapt. (I think)
Food... Sure it's tasty and on a bad day can soothe some moments away temporarily but that just feels so wrong to say food. Almost like idolatry!
TV.... entertaining, but I'm sure I could live without it!
Sex... I don't have it now, so i know I can live without that! (Remind me to blog about that)
Clothes, shoes, cars, money, nail polish and the list goes ON & ON & ON, but none of these things seems to hold the volume of meaning needed to stop my life or break me down because I don't have them.
And then it dawned on me..... LOVE!! Love, whether it's loving me and the skin I'm in, or loving those around me, seeing love in these sappy romantic comedies I love how awesome it feels and radiates on the faces of those being loved and how different the definition is from one person to the next!!! And, I'm not just limiting it to love between lovers.
The look a mother has for her newborn and the way the father looks at the mother after the birth... LOVE!
The look a child has when they mess up and aren't proud of what they did, but are certain their parent(s) loves them no matter what... LOVE!
The way a couple that just got married gazes into each other's eyes and tears are flowing while reciting words coming from their heart and souls.... LOVE!
The way a child who everyone else counted out walks across the stage for high school or college graduation and that support system they have is beaming with joy... LOVE!
Seeing a soldier come home on TV and be disfigured and amputated and his/her family be so proud of them and promise to help them through the struggles that they face... LOVE! (Seing the soldiers come home period!!!!)
The examples could flow for days, so I'll stop here! (Feeling a little misty eyed)
Sure, I could ramble on and say:
My parents but the reality is one day we will all go to heaven and I, nor they (God forbid I go first) can stop living because the circle of life is taking place.
Music... As much as I love it, if i had to do without it, I would learn to adapt. (I think)
Food... Sure it's tasty and on a bad day can soothe some moments away temporarily but that just feels so wrong to say food. Almost like idolatry!
TV.... entertaining, but I'm sure I could live without it!
Sex... I don't have it now, so i know I can live without that! (Remind me to blog about that)
Clothes, shoes, cars, money, nail polish and the list goes ON & ON & ON, but none of these things seems to hold the volume of meaning needed to stop my life or break me down because I don't have them.
And then it dawned on me..... LOVE!! Love, whether it's loving me and the skin I'm in, or loving those around me, seeing love in these sappy romantic comedies I love how awesome it feels and radiates on the faces of those being loved and how different the definition is from one person to the next!!! And, I'm not just limiting it to love between lovers.
The look a mother has for her newborn and the way the father looks at the mother after the birth... LOVE!
The look a child has when they mess up and aren't proud of what they did, but are certain their parent(s) loves them no matter what... LOVE!
The way a couple that just got married gazes into each other's eyes and tears are flowing while reciting words coming from their heart and souls.... LOVE!
The way a child who everyone else counted out walks across the stage for high school or college graduation and that support system they have is beaming with joy... LOVE!
Seeing a soldier come home on TV and be disfigured and amputated and his/her family be so proud of them and promise to help them through the struggles that they face... LOVE! (Seing the soldiers come home period!!!!)
The examples could flow for days, so I'll stop here! (Feeling a little misty eyed)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Day 1 of 30: 20 of my favorite things
DAY 1 of 30: 20 of my favorite things
This seems like a great question to introduce you to me... in no particular order!!
1. My Parents, married for 36 years, together for 39. Hands downs the funniest people I know. They get on each others nerves, bicker, laugh, support one another and us, keep God at the center of their lives and have managed to set an epic guide to marriage for me!
2. Nutella, I strongly believe crack cocaine is a secret ingredient. There is no other way to explain how or why the stuff is that great! Had to stop eating it for a while because it was spiking my cholesterol levels! (Could be that I was eating it by the jars)
3. Christianity, growing up it felt like we were in the church EVERYDAY!!! And when I got to college, I decided I didn't need to go as much but God truly has a way of humbling you through life experiences.
4. My nieces, nephews, God-Daughter, kids of friends... I love them all!!! They are such a blessing and a handful. The best is sending them home when the day is over!
5. My iPhone, I could give 2 frog asses what phone you have and how much you swear nothing tops the iPhone, but I'm convinced that this phone is the best ever!!!
6. My friends, (SMH) They are all special for different reasons. Many of times we should have went to jail or been tested for uncontrolled substances but I plead the fifth! I couldn't have asked for a better group to be surrounded by! WE ARE THE PARTY, no matter where we go! We need some camera crews!
7. My boobs, I know that sounds shallow as hell, but I don't care! These things are amazing! 34DDD, but that size is too porn like so I stick to a 36DD. And yes, they are real!!!
8. My shoes, I can't wear heels like I used to, but I still love them. There is something about a quality made high heel that just tickles my fancy!!
9. BIRTHDAYS, I blame my parents because I had a party every year of my life growing up except the 17th (terrible car accident). I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE birthdays!! Tomorrow is not promised and many of the people who have walked with us on our journey of life didn't make it this far!!!
10. Skirts/dresses, I'm a tomboy at heart, but there is something about skirts and dresses. They seem to tap into my inner sexiness and help exude all that makes me a woman.
11. Pinterest, this site is simply amazing!!! Recipes, DIY projects, Wedding ideas. It's utterly amazing!!!
12. Family Reunions, nothing like them! I have a brother, but the age difference between us creates quite a gap. Some of my cousins are like siblings. Learned a lot from them.... good and bad! LOL! I look forward to them every year!
13. Photos, I literally have thousands of photos! I love taking them! I love looking at them and reminiscing. I have tons of photos all of my place.
14. Books, I love to read, but they have to keep my attention!!
15. Cooking, it's fun! So many recipes to try!
16. Accessories, they are taking over my house but I can't stop buying them!! (Intervention)
17. Movies and Old tv shows, I can watch something over and over and over. It drove my dad nuts when I lived at home. Living Single, a Different World, Martin, This Christmas, What About Bob, Coming to America and I could go on for days!!! #Classics
18. Laughter, I love to laugh! Amazing what it can do for the soul!! But, I need to grow a filter because I laugh at some really inappropriate stuff! Don't trip in front of me because I will laugh while trying to ask if you're okay!!
19. My BED and the couch, I love to sleep! That quote about sleep being the cousin of death came from some foolish person. Ya'll gone mess around and stroke out, not sleeping!! As I get older, I realize how much naps are needed!
20. Sweets..... my weakness!!! Ice cream, pies, cookies, cakes, candies, pastries.... I just love them!!!
This seems like a great question to introduce you to me... in no particular order!!
1. My Parents, married for 36 years, together for 39. Hands downs the funniest people I know. They get on each others nerves, bicker, laugh, support one another and us, keep God at the center of their lives and have managed to set an epic guide to marriage for me!
2. Nutella, I strongly believe crack cocaine is a secret ingredient. There is no other way to explain how or why the stuff is that great! Had to stop eating it for a while because it was spiking my cholesterol levels! (Could be that I was eating it by the jars)
3. Christianity, growing up it felt like we were in the church EVERYDAY!!! And when I got to college, I decided I didn't need to go as much but God truly has a way of humbling you through life experiences.
4. My nieces, nephews, God-Daughter, kids of friends... I love them all!!! They are such a blessing and a handful. The best is sending them home when the day is over!
5. My iPhone, I could give 2 frog asses what phone you have and how much you swear nothing tops the iPhone, but I'm convinced that this phone is the best ever!!!
6. My friends, (SMH) They are all special for different reasons. Many of times we should have went to jail or been tested for uncontrolled substances but I plead the fifth! I couldn't have asked for a better group to be surrounded by! WE ARE THE PARTY, no matter where we go! We need some camera crews!
7. My boobs, I know that sounds shallow as hell, but I don't care! These things are amazing! 34DDD, but that size is too porn like so I stick to a 36DD. And yes, they are real!!!
8. My shoes, I can't wear heels like I used to, but I still love them. There is something about a quality made high heel that just tickles my fancy!!
9. BIRTHDAYS, I blame my parents because I had a party every year of my life growing up except the 17th (terrible car accident). I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE birthdays!! Tomorrow is not promised and many of the people who have walked with us on our journey of life didn't make it this far!!!
10. Skirts/dresses, I'm a tomboy at heart, but there is something about skirts and dresses. They seem to tap into my inner sexiness and help exude all that makes me a woman.
11. Pinterest, this site is simply amazing!!! Recipes, DIY projects, Wedding ideas. It's utterly amazing!!!
12. Family Reunions, nothing like them! I have a brother, but the age difference between us creates quite a gap. Some of my cousins are like siblings. Learned a lot from them.... good and bad! LOL! I look forward to them every year!
13. Photos, I literally have thousands of photos! I love taking them! I love looking at them and reminiscing. I have tons of photos all of my place.
14. Books, I love to read, but they have to keep my attention!!
15. Cooking, it's fun! So many recipes to try!
16. Accessories, they are taking over my house but I can't stop buying them!! (Intervention)
17. Movies and Old tv shows, I can watch something over and over and over. It drove my dad nuts when I lived at home. Living Single, a Different World, Martin, This Christmas, What About Bob, Coming to America and I could go on for days!!! #Classics
18. Laughter, I love to laugh! Amazing what it can do for the soul!! But, I need to grow a filter because I laugh at some really inappropriate stuff! Don't trip in front of me because I will laugh while trying to ask if you're okay!!
19. My BED and the couch, I love to sleep! That quote about sleep being the cousin of death came from some foolish person. Ya'll gone mess around and stroke out, not sleeping!! As I get older, I realize how much naps are needed!
20. Sweets..... my weakness!!! Ice cream, pies, cookies, cakes, candies, pastries.... I just love them!!!
Hey Everyone!
In order to get used to blogging daily, I decided to try the 30 day challenge. A series of questions or ideas that are supposed to evoke an over whelming flood of emotions and have me putting all of my deep seated issues locked away on display for the world to see. I'm no fool, so I'll be transparent to a certain degree. Not about to have people reading this and trying to call and have me locked in a padded room (I kid.... sort of). Lol!! I'll list the questions below and go from there... ENJOY!
1. 20 of my favorite things?
2. Who/what can’t you live without?
3. If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?
4. What is true love?
5. Describe the last thing that made you seriously cry.
6. What is your phobia/fear?
7. What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?
8. Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?
9. What do you like the most about yourself?
10. What do you dislike the most about yourself?
11. Are you a lover or a fighter?
12. What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
13. Favorite movies?
14. Dream wedding?
15. If you could have a super power, what would it be?
16. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
17. Choose: trust or love
18. What’s your passion?
19. Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.
20. Does love = sex?
21. Who is your best friend in life?
22. Whom do you admire the most?
23. Write a letter to the person who has ever hurt you the most?
24. What gives you sincere happiness?
25. What are the 10 most significant events in your life?
26. When were the happiest days in your life?
27. If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?
28. If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?
29. Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)
30. Who are you?
1. 20 of my favorite things?
2. Who/what can’t you live without?
3. If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?
4. What is true love?
5. Describe the last thing that made you seriously cry.
6. What is your phobia/fear?
7. What does your name mean? Why were you named what you were named?
8. Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?
9. What do you like the most about yourself?
10. What do you dislike the most about yourself?
11. Are you a lover or a fighter?
12. What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
13. Favorite movies?
14. Dream wedding?
15. If you could have a super power, what would it be?
16. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
17. Choose: trust or love
18. What’s your passion?
19. Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.
20. Does love = sex?
21. Who is your best friend in life?
22. Whom do you admire the most?
23. Write a letter to the person who has ever hurt you the most?
24. What gives you sincere happiness?
25. What are the 10 most significant events in your life?
26. When were the happiest days in your life?
27. If there was a movie about your life what actors would you cast and who would they play?
28. If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?
29. Who would you invite to the perfect dinner party? (Dead, living, historical, famous, not famous...)
30. Who are you?
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