I think I've touched on broken relationships/friendships before in a previous blog, but the subject has reappeared... as lessons tend to do when you have not passed the test yet! Where I stand in my life right now is certainly not where I want to be, but who I am in this moment makes me happy from the inside out. I am what you call a people person. According to my dad and friend, Tiya, I must have missed the lesson on "Stranger Danger," because I will strike up a conversation with anyone. It's just my nature, but what I noticed a while back is that there's a difference between being a people person and being a people PLEASER! It's not that I was verbally saying 'Hey, feel free to walk all over me," but my actions exuded something that made people think it was okay to do so.
Our generation is one that is fascinated with social media, but the problem with that is a lot of people are projecting an image of what they think will get them the most likes, retweets, comments and adoration/envy. The other issue with being so open on social media, is the entitlement people feel to judge you. Many people are not living the reality that they project on social media. Their marriages suck. They are unhappy with themselves. They are spending above their means. They are faking relationships/friendships to appear important, liked or loved. The list can certainly go on and on.
I've received much criticism about who I'm hanging with, what I do or don't do and have or don't have. I would take those "critiques" to my friends and they would listen and then give advice, but one day a friend said "Keturah, I love you, but I don't want to hear about what ____ has to say anymore. Why do you care? That person is miserable. Do what's best for you." LIGHT BULB MOMENT So I took some time to dissect my feelings and thoughts. The truth was I felt a bit vulnerable. I was surrounded by great people, but I was waiting for something to happen to show me that maybe I couldn't trust anyone or that based upon my past friendships, it wasn't possible to be understood and truly enjoy being in their company or allow myself to be seen bare.
Where friendship is concerned, I've honestly had a tough time with it. You see people say 10 years, 15 years, 20 years... My day 1's. So to in a sense, ending a lot of friendships and start over or scaling back, was crippling me from truly testing the waters and relying on my faith. People sometimes walk into your life and show you why and how past friendships were wrong for you. You have to realize that you will never be good enough in some people's eyes, but that's not your problem. You also have to get comfortable knowing when you walk away from people and or scale back, they will not take it well. Some will badmouth you and that's them being jealous or intimidated and trying to make you less appealing to others or them convincing themselves they don't care, want or need you.
What I've found in my circle of friends, that I call "my forevers" is amazing. We laugh together, joke around, cry, fight, support and most of all LOVE one another. I talk to them EVERY DAY, multiple times a day. Our parents love all of us! We come as a package deal, we'll respect your relationship, but you get all of us with the person you are dating! Just when I felt like I was going to break, God sent them to me.
So, yes... you may see my pics and post and think we spend a lot of time together or party a lot but what you don't see are the tears I cried. The times I wanted to die. The soul ties I thought I would never break. The process it took to have me firmly planted and proud now. The times I settled for less. The times I stayed, when it hurt. The things I held on to, that did not deserve to occupy space in my head and or room in my heart. It cost me a lot to get here. I had to pray a lot. I had to learn to give up old thoughts, old habits, friends turned faux and so much more. God is still creating new things in me and replenishing me where I felt depleted.
I love all of my friends, but some people have to be loved from a distance. I can't be everywhere and do everything everyone would like me to do. Your reality is not mine, because my life and decisions belong to me!
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