Sex is easy!

I know that even in writing this and thoroughly explaining how I feel, someone will still not get it and that is fine. On one of my previous blogs This isn't going to work… Deal Breakers!, I said I would address this topic of celibacy and abstinence and my choice to wait until marriage.

I lost my virginity in high school and if I could honestly do it over again, I would have waited. As a teenager, I don't believe I was emotionally equipped to handle sex. I felt a lot of pressure from my then friends, who had been giving it up for years (no shade) and claimed it was so fun and if I wanted to be mature and or keep my man, that is what it took. I also, did not feel comfortable to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. (We still have never talked about sex!) Besides the initial pain, I didn't have this big explosive finish, I had been hearing about and to date I still have never had a vaginal orgasm. (I know you're gasping)

As I went through college and my adult life post-college, I would go months and almost a year at a time without having sex. The actual act was fun to an extent. but the anticlimatic finish was getting old. Of course my friends had a million suggestions, but nothing worked. And with each relationship and experience, I felt a little tug on my heart... I generally ignored it.

I think the general assumption for my friends is I don't have sex, because of the sexual assault I endured and it may play a factor, but it's not the reason I have decided to abstain. After going to the doctor and telling him "my vagina was broke," he stifled laughter and assured me that it wasn't... I probably just hadn't met the right guy, which confused me even more.

Part of my confusion comes from understanding love! If I am to be 100% honest, I do not think I've ever truly been in love. I have loved boyfriends and lusted guys, but there is not one instance where I can comfortably say, "I loved them from my soul and felt that reciprocated." Even, with not truly being in love, I created soul ties with some people. It took me 29 years, to understand that God will try to close the door and or steer you away because he understands what lies ahead. He'll give you indications (that tug on the heart, I spoke of earlier), but we allow our flesh to render the decision.

The things I was clear about were 1) sex was easy, the actual act of having it. 2)with each partner, a soul tie could be created. 3)casual sex and even sex in a relationship, was simply not for me. I've been told this sounds idiotic, but my heart is tied to my vagina, not literally, but in a sense that whoever I'm destined to be with has to unlock it in a metaphorical sense, must truly be in tune with me... mind, body and soul!

I have tried several times to refrain from sex, but I allowed the way I felt carnally or a past soul tie, to interfere with that decision. Each time the guilt being stronger and stronger. We're in a society that promotes sex. It is literally everywhere! On tv, in movies, in music... everywhere! It's a topic that can carry heavy consequences, but is casually approached.

For me, it's simple now! God is not conditional! I cannot say I trust the Lord, but I have to have sex with ____ to know that God got my wishlist of what I want from a man, right. I get in my car, on a plane and walk across a street without testing the road, the car, the plane and so forth. If I truly trust the Lord, why is it that I do not have faith that he will supply all of my needs where a friend, boyfriend and husband are concerned? I'm not knocking anyone who had an active sex life before marriage, to each his own, but I know this is the correct decision for me. The examples attesting to abstinence before marriage, are fewer that those that decided to have sex, but I have met couples and come across stories where they waited and their stories are amazing.

It actually makes dating a tad bit easier. Most guys are not willing to wait and that is fine, (points to the left) "There is the exit!" What I have learned is that I cannot idolize marriage, I should enjoy being single and finding ways to get closer to God. I've also learned that whomever I decide to marry, will have had to make their own decision to abstain, for themselves. It's selfish to try and make a guy, who I want him to be and agree to go along with abstaining. The decision is not one that was placed on his heart for his own personal reasons. I've been single for almost 6 years. Does it get tough, yes, but I know one day, I will be sharing an amazing love story designed by God! On top of that, I have no "oops" moments or trips to the clinic! So again, sex is easy, but choosing to wait is hard... but worth it!