If I was to be completely honest, I know how to fight because my brother and cousins taught me. So defending myself in a literal sense is not an issue and even if I thought I wasn't going to win the fight, I'm going to take that ass whooping fighting back with every fiber in my body!
In a figurative sense, I think I am a fighter more so than a lover NOW because I have bottled up disappointment, sadness and frustration and turned it into a shield that comes across as anger. The things that are causing inner turmoil for me have created what feels like a maze. I'm running into the walls and don't know how to get out but with every wall I hit more weight is added to the burden of what is already existing on my shoulders.
On the flip side, I am a lover and I love hard, but loving hard to me hasn't returned that love (family and friends included). So, I have drawn back on the love I give because if I keep pouring into others, what will I have left except depletion?
In the past I would say I would do anything for anyone I love and I'm not sure I would still say or do the same thing. Some battles simply don't belong to us... POINT.... BLANK... PERIOD! I can want the best for those I love but if you don't want it for yourself or keeping doing something or messing with someone that is not good for you, why should I go fight your battles?
Eventually, I think I will get back to being fun loving and rid of those things that are keeping me from doing so. I don't like going from 0 to 100 in sixty seconds. It's not healthy. It's shouldn't be celebrated and it shouldn't become a comfort zone. It doesn't feel good to hear people say "Hey, I remember when you went off on such and such. That was crazy." Don't misinterpret though, I am happy to an extent and am very blessed but there some things I have to get to the core about in order to move into the next phase of my life! I owe that to myself and those that have poured into me positively and love me!
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